Takane no hana
by damn unique
Summary: Please don't leave me. Without you, I'm nothing... ShizNatNao Mai HiME Universe after the Carnival
1. Prelude

**___"_Silence is of different kinds, and breathes different meanings._"_**

**Disclaimer:** **I don't own Mai HiME.**

**Beta: Akira Sasaki  
**

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**Flower on a high peak**

**Takane no hana**** 高嶺の花**

Literally translated as, "Flower on a high peak." It means, "something out of one's reach." Some things are beautiful to look at, but realistically, there is no way you can get them. The object might be something that you want very much but can't have it.

**Prelude**

_Please don't leave me. Everyone I've ever cared for left me in the end. So please, stay by my side. Without you, I am nothing._

_"Take care then" was the only thing I was able to say, as you stood in front of that damn taxi. I could see my reflection in your eyes. It has always been that way, but I can also see the pain. The pain I brought to you and I still bring you. The cab is still waiting for you. The cab that will take you to the airport and out of my life._

_I took you for granted. You were never asking or requesting anything from me. And I know you're longing for the words that could save you; save us both. But you would never, never ask me for anything like that. Never pushing me, leaving my feelings as clueless as always, and sometimes, I hate you for that._

_No, that's not true, because I could never hate you. I hate myself for being such a coward. I can't... I just can't let my weak heart take control over my __tired brains. I still can't forget that you betrayed my trust. And I just can't forget that anyone who finds the door into my broken heart will leave it closed for good. And now, it's your turn. Shit, is there someone else to blame other than me?_

_"I love you, Natsuki." It's only a whisper while you slowly turn away to get into the cab. I can't stand this any longer: I need to go. So I just turn around and walk away, as always. I just can't face you anymore. I know your eyes would bring me to my knees and I don't want to be that weak. I hear the cab's engine starting and then... you're gone. I look at the small envelope you gave me a few moments ago. Three words:_

_"Takane no hana" is beautifully written on it. So this is how you see me: as a flower on a high peak. _

_I've never known why you would think so highly of me. I'm despicable, you know? I can't even be true to myself and I keep on hurting the only person who ever really cared for me. I still can't believe in love. I used to believe my mother loved me, but now I know it was only an illusion, because it's fact__ that her job was more important to her._

_You say you love me, but then, one day you leave. I wonder what love means. In my eyes, love and pain are equal. There is no difference in between. And if that's the case, then I think I love you as well, because my heart is aching so much that I can hardly breathe. A spiral of emotions, a long path full of thorns. Feels... human in a way._

_Shizuru, please... Please come back to me and make this awful pain disappear; like always... Save me one more time... _

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**A/N:** I'll upload the first chapter sooner or later. It's done so don't worry lol (as if you would)


	2. Out of Sight

**_"You might be out of my sight but you're not out of my heart."_**

**Beta: Akira Sasaki**_**  
**_

**Disclaimer:** **I don't own Mai HiME.**

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**Chapter 1 – Out of sight**

The raven-haired girl was sitting on the bed of her apartment. Silently thinking to herself.

_Holidays sure are a pain when you have nothing to do._

Of course, there were things to be done, but Natsuki was too lazy to bother with that stuff right now. She needed to get out of this room.

_I need space... _

She could swear that the longer she sat on her bed doing nothing but staring at the picture on her nightstand, the more those walls were slowly trying to close her in. So, she rose up from her bed, her gaze still locked with the picture.

_I would like to see you smile like that again... _

A moment later, she did the only thing she could think of that would bring at least a little joy: She grabbed her keys and left for a ride.

Just the feeling of the fresh air and the adrenaline in her body was enough to shut her brains off. Having no destination or idea of what she wanted, Natsuki found herself riding aimlessly for an hour.

Freedom, the engine's noise and her beating heart as a perpetual drum inside. And it's that feeling that makes her drive into one direction without realizing it. She knew that the place was nearby. The engine roared and she sped off to the cliffs.

It was getting dark and a lot colder than she thought it would. After parking her bike near the road, she slowly lifted her helmet. Dark strands were waving in the cold air. She turned to face the ocean. Emerald eyes locked into ephemeral blue, shadows of remaining rays playing and tricking her eyes; the colors changing in an instant. After minutes of silently looking at the far horizon she let out a sigh. Her thoughts were drifting off again. Her mind was lost by now, just like the ocean's soul.

It has been two months since Shizuru left to study in Germany. Unfortunately, Natsuki was so shocked and upset about the fact that the beautiful Kaichou decided to study abroad, that she didn't even ask her for an address or phone number. The only thing she knew was that Shizuru's university was in a city named Cologne.

_Cologne... _Natsuki whispered the word carefully.

_I'm such an idiot. I should have asked her for the address. But I'm sure that, even if she gave it to me, I would've been too proud or maybe too afraid to contact her._

Small drops of rain interrupted her thoughts for a moment, but she didn't care. Catching a cold or getting wet was the last thing she would think about right now since Shizuru was intoxicating her mind.

_I wonder if you remember this place as a special place for us, just like I do. Since I first brought you here, I feel different. Not anymore a place secluded with bad memories, now it was a place that reminds me of you and only thinking about it makes me smile brighter._

_But now that I know you are no longer here to share the view with me, it's more painful than ever and still... it brings a smile to my lips, even if it is a bitter one... it's a smile._

She closed her eyes and let her mind dive into one of the pleasant memories.

Slender arms were tightly wrapped around the waist of the raven-haired beauty. It was a warm day and the two girls were silently riding and enjoying each other's company. Natsuki was planning on taking Shizuru to the place where her mother had died. She wanted to share the memory of that place with her best friend, in hopes that the other girl's presence would soothe her aching heart and the never ending turmoil inside her soul. Of course, she could've just stayed away from those cursed cliffs, but somehow she couldn't bring herself to completely abandon the place of her mother's death.

Shizuru's body was warmly merging with the younger girl's.

"Natsuki, where are you taking me? It'll be getting dark soon." As Shizuru's voice was trying to reach Natsuki's ears she turned her head a bit to make it easier for Shizuru to understand the words.

"Just wait. You'll see." Her eyes were serious, a fact that Shizuru noticed in an instant. Therefore, she tried to ease Natsuki's mind a bit.

"Mou, Natsuki. Meanie!" The chestnut-haired girl didn't want to force the answer from the biker. She knew she had to be patient. She trusted Natsuki and that was enough for now. But a bit of teasing should do well against that serious expression.

So, the older girl decided that she could bring herself a bit closer. She bridged the distance and wrapped her arms tighter around Natsuki, hands now placed on the hips of the dark haired girl. Natsuki noticed the slight movement and tried to stop her brains from thinking about Shizuru and her short skirt and her gentle palms and... _Ahhh_... She felt as if Shizuru's hands were burning her hips.

"Oi, Shizuru. It's hard to concentrate when you_..._"

_What is the right word without embarrassing myself? Think brain, think... when you move your body so close to mine that I can only think about your hips against my... Gahh, noooooooooo!_

"When you're moving so fast without a warning." She smiled to herself.

_Good brain. I should give you a reward for that later._

"Well Natsuki, I thought you would prefer it that way, but it seems that Natsuki is not so passionate after all. I can move slower for you... if you want me to... " Shizuru's mischievous voice could be heard so clearly that Natsuki actually wondered if time stopped around them. There was no wind or engine anymore.

"Shizuru!" She nearly lost control over the bike, and the red color rising up her face wasn't making things any better.

After she managed to keep the bike in control, they finally arrived at the cliffs. Natsuki parked it near the guardrail and took her helmet off. The red color on the younger girl's cheeks was gone now, a lonesome look taking its place.

Shizuru was truly worried and her heart almost broke at the sight of her friend. But she also knew that it was better to wait. Natsuki brought her here and therefore would talk to her... sooner or later. It was hard to resist the urge to take the younger girl in her arms, as she knew Natsuki wouldn't allow her to do such a thing. Not after what she did. So, she just looked at the other girl, while placing a strand of hair behind her ear, with a heavy heart and a sick pain surging through her veins. The sun slowly began to sink into the horizon.

"It's beautiful how the sun seems to melt into the ocean..." Natsuki's voice was only a whisper.

"Yes, it is." Shizuru tried hard to control her feelings in a moment like this. It was always hard when Natsuki acted so weak.

"This is the place where my mother died." The raven-haired girl couldn't say anything anymore as tears forced their way to her eyes.

She hated being so weak, but she couldn't do anything against it. Without a second thought, Shizuru reached out to her, but the fear held her back.

Natsuki noticed the movement and it made her sad. Sad that Shizuru tortured herself so much.

"Would you... Would you hold me... just for now... " Natsuki's shaking voice was broken.

She wanted to be the one who could give Shizuru strength. She wanted to trust her. But now, here she was, on this infernal place. She didn't know why, but she wanted to feel Shizuru's embrace and her soothing hand's motion.

Before she could think any further, two arms encircled her waist and the chestnut-haired girl's chin was placed on her shoulder. Shivers were running wild through her body. Shizuru's breath was so close to her neck and ears. It traced an invisible path, in the delirious way her heart was moving, with the same chaotic movements as Natsuki's.

"Thank you ... Shizuru." The raven-haired girl whispered while closing her eyes.

Still standing alone on the cliff in the rain, Natsuki's mind was slowly wandering back to reality. Though, it was somehow still absorbed in Shizuru's imaginary scent. Soon, the darkness would cover everything.

_Ne, Shizuru... even if I can't see the sun, I know it is there. But the clouds won't allow me to catch any of its warmth. I wonder... can you feel it right now?_

RRRiinnngg.

Natsuki nearly jumped as her phone began to ring. She opened it without looking at the caller ID.

"Shizuru?" She said, adding a smile to her face.

"Well, no. Actually it's me, Mai." The smile faded in a blink of an eye. A small choke came out.

"Ahem... is there something wrong?" Natsuki said slowly, taking her time, while trying to steady the rhythm of her aching heart.

"I wanted to ask if you want to come to the club tonight." Mai answered, her voice now seriously concerned.

"Don't tell me its karaoke again." A long sigh could be heard over the line.

"It is. But trust me, this time it will be different. You don't have to wear that pink dress and... ", but she was suddenly cut off by Natsuki's rough tone.

"I'm not interested."

"Natsuki, please... "

"I said no. Sorry." A short pause, then she continued, "I have to go." She hung up and flipped the phone in her bag.

RRRRiiinng! _Ahhh, not again_...

She angrily opened the phone and shouted:

"Mai! I said: I... won't... come... tonight. Leave me alone. For god's sake!"

"Ara..." and after a long pause, the distinctive Kyoto-ben could be heard again: "It's good to hear that you and Mai-san still get along so well." The last words were a chuckling of small sounds. _Shizuru's laughter..._

The raven girl couldn't hear anymore, as her mind started to drift away and her heart began to swirl wildly. She could only mumble one word:

"Shizuru... "

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**A/N:** Why the ... does Shizuru study in Germany you ask? Well, the answer is quite simple: I want her all for myself :-)


	3. Serendipity

_**"Deep in my heart I'm concealing things that I'm longing to say. Scared to confess what I'm feeling - frightened you'll slip away."**_

**Beta: Akira Sasaki_  
_**

**Disclaimer:** **I don't own Mai HiME.**

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**Chapter 2 - Serendipity**

"Shizuru" Natsuki was rendered speechless after muttering the name.

"It's a pleasure to hear you whispering my name in such an... interesting way." Shizuru's voice broke the silence, still playful as ever.

"Ughh..." was all that came out before Natsuki found her voice for good. "Oi, what do you mean when you're saying 'interesting'? I'm just surprised. I thought it was Mai again." _Argh! Just a few words and I'm blushing like an idiot. This woman really freaks me out._

Shizuru knew that the raven-haired girl must be blushing right now, but decided to resist the urge to tease her any further. She didn't want to make her precious one angry since it took so much time to find the guts for calling, after leaving the younger girl behind. In fact, she wanted to call ever since she arrived in Germany, but was afraid that the cool biker was too angry to talk to her.

"So how has Natsuki been?" Shizuru was still friendly, but sounded more serious now.

"Fine." Natsuki's answer came fast. _Too fast..._

Shizuru didn't know if she was telling the truth but she was afraid to ask again. The raven girl sounded distant now. The thought that Natsuki must be busy or just not in the mood for talking crossed her mind.

_Or maybe she's really angry and didn't want to talk to me... _

"I'm glad that you're doing fine." The Kyoto-beauty was hiding her insecurities under a perfect mask, her voice never faltering.

Natsuki was indeed angry; angry with herself for lying again. Of course she wasn't fine and she was happy that Shizuru called and yet she was acting like a total moron.

An awkward silence engulfed them. A few minutes ago she was standing there, hating herself for not contacting the other woman, and now it just looked like a hurricane brainwashed her.

"Well, I just wanted to make sure you're doing fine. So... " Shizuru decided that it's better not bothering her friend any further.

"No!" Natsuki nearly shouted. "I mean, don't hang up now. I didn't ask anything about you yet."

"Ara, is Natsuki worrying about me?" The chestnut-haired woman playfully added.

There was a long pause before Natsuki found the guts to come out with at least half of the truth.

"Maybe a bit. You're alone in a foreign country after all." Her voice was a lot warmer now. Naturally, Shizuru was slightly shocked about the answer. She didn't expect Natsuki to be that honest nor that she would really worry so much about her. _Such a big liar, so loving and caring... _

"It's sweet of you to worry about me, but I'm doing fine." She said gently, not wanting to break the frailty from Natsuki's words... "School starts in a month, right?" her voice changing now into a motherly one: "Did you do some extra work to make up for the missed classes? Or do you need me to come back and study with you?" Mischief could be heard from her tone. She could let her mask break a little, sad eyes looking at nothing in particular. The other girl couldn't see her. _Oh, how I wish to come back to you. But it would just complicate things again. I can't stand being so close and yet so far away. It has to be this way._

At the same time, inner thoughts wanted to break free from Natsuki's mind. _Should I let Shizuru find out how much I miss her... I... I don't know... _Not knowing what to say, she decided to share some of her new activities with chestnut-haired girl.

"I did all the extra work thanks to the new laptop. I bought it a month ago. Internet sure can help you with a lot of school work these days." A genuine smile plastered on her face. _It sure helps me a lot._

"Ara, is Natsuki cheating? Letting a computer think instead of her brain?" Shizuru could almost imagine the younger girl standing there, being proud of her smartness. She just needed to tease her once more.

"Argh! No, I was just looking for, for some things... here and there." Natsuki felt like a mouse trapped into Shizuru's labyrinth of words.

"Really? You know Internet has a way of following your footsteps. So better don't stay too long on suspicious sites." she could almost hear Shizuru giggle. "Suspicious homepages? What do you mea… Shizuru! I'm not some perverted guy" Natsuki was beet red and she knew that Shizuru knew too. The Kyoto-girl was almost laughing by now. "I'm relieved then." Still amused, Shizuru decided to let it go. "I'm afraid I have to hang up soon." whispered the Kyoto woman.

"Oh... okay. You must be busy." Natsuki's voice sounded distant again. A tinge of regret flashed into Shizuru's jaded eyes.

"No, that's not it. At least not now, but the costs for a call to Japan are rather expensive." Shizuru's parents could of course afford those calls, but they wanted their child to be independent and so, they give her just a short amount of money each month. It's enough for living and studying, but she couldn't include such a big phone bill.

"Oh, of course." the younger girl realized her mistake. She was tired of hiding her emotions. She really wanted to talk to Shizuru a bit more, but she couldn't bring herself to ask her best friend to continue it.

"Since you have a laptop and Internet now you can give me your e-mail address. That way we can talk more and Natsuki will worry less." Shizuru's voice was sad and serious. Natsuki's heart skipped a beat by hearing Shizuru's words. _Of course! Internet! What a great invention! Gahh! Calm down Natsuki, she just asked for your e-mail address. _

And with that thought, Natsuki became bright red. _Nng, noooo... _

"Umm... I can't give you my e-mail." She answered with such seriousness, that the other girl was slightly taken aback.

"Oh... I see." Shizuru couldn't hide her sadness this time. Natsuki noticed the voice-change and became anxious. _No, it's not what you think, Shizuru... Please don't be sad. I think I'd better tell her... _

"It's not that I don't want to. It's just... " _Okay, just say it. _"It's just a bit... embarrassing." The raven-haired girl mumbled.

"Ara ara, Natsuki. I don't know what can be so embarrassing about an e-mail address. But if you don't want to, then I'll just have to wait until next month to catch a little of Natsuki's precious voice." The voice sounded desperate and she also added a few sobs to make the younger girl tell her.

Natsuki began to panic as she heard Shizuru sobbing. _Great, I'm such an idiot. I hurt her feelings again. What is wrong with me? You can do that Natsuki, she won't laugh and she's your best friend after all._

"Please, Shizuru, don't cry. Look, I'll tell you the address. But only if you promise that you won't laugh."

"Thank you, Natsuki." Shizuru's voice was still trembling, but if Natsuki would have paid enough attention, she could've heard a few distant giggles.

"..." There was a long pause because Natsuki was still fighting with her pride.

"So?" Shizuru didn't want to pry on her, but ...

"mayopuppyathotmaildotjp... " the words were spoken so fast that no ordinary human would be able to understand. However, this woman was no ordinary human; she was Shizuru Fujino after all and she understood the address quite clearly.

The following silence made the biker almost snap.

"Don't you dare!" Natsuki was truly angry that Shizuru didn't say anything to break the humiliating silence.

"Sweeeeeeet!" It was really hard for the former Kaichou to repress the laughter, but she knew that teasing Natsuki so soon wouldn't be a good choice. She would probably hang up in instant.

"Oi, it's not cute. I just needed a name for that damn email-server and all cool names were already taken. So I was annoyed and tried that name. I didn't think of giving this address to anyone." The younger girl was still grumbling.

"So, I am special to you. I'm happy now!" You're just too cute Natsuki. I can't stop teasing you.

"Shizuru!" Natsuki couldn't make the red color disappear from her face.

"Well then, I need to hang up now. Besides, it's getting late and you should go to bed soon." the motherly voice reappeared.

"Yeah... " Natsuki was still irritated and could only respond in her typical manner.

"Sleep well my dear Natsuki! I'll write as soon as possible." Shizuru said, gripping her skirt, tears in her eyes now. _I love you... _

Natsuki was left speechless. _Good night, Shizuru... _

The beeping sound of her cell phone snapped her back to reality and reminded her that Shizuru had hung up. _Guess I'll have to wait for your e-mail then. Maybe, I can go to the karaoke bar for a bit now and kill some time._ She dialed Mai's number and waited for the other girl to answer the call.

"Natsuki! I'm glad you called back. Did you change your mind?" Mai was as joyful as ever.

"Seems so. But I will just watch, okay? No singing for me tonight." A giggle could be heard over the phone. "Don't even try to think otherwise..." Natsuki spat, surely annoyed by Mai's behavior.

"It's alright. I'm happy enough that you decided to come. We're already here, so hurry."

"Yeah, yeah." She grumbled the conversation to an end.

Then, a few seconds later her heart started to beat faster than usual, a small pain rose up her chest, bringing almost tears in her eyes. _I miss you, idiot... _Eyes closed, she tried to imagine Shizuru... She could see the smile, could almost feel the caresses she received... _I want you... here._

A final look at the horizon... and the engine started to roar... _Better hurry, Mai's waiting... _

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**A/N:** So, this is Chapter 2. Thanks to anyone who reviewed so far and special thanks to my inspiration.

Since some people ask what the title means I will translate it once 's already said in the Prelude if you read carefully ;-) but anyways Takane no hana means literally Flower on a high peak. It's something out of one's reach and since I'm writing this for someone this is the perfect title. Some things are beautiful to look at but you can't have them...Haha oh the irony, I kill myself sometimes -.-


	4. Old Foes

_**"There's no long distance about love, it always finds a way to bring hearts together no matter how many miles there are between them."**_

**Beta: Akira Sasaki  
**

******Disclaimer:** I don't own Mai HiME.

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**Chapter 3 – Old Foes**

Mai was as usual singing with all her heart when Natsuki entered the karaoke bar. The loner quickly checked her surroundings and wasn't surprised to see the usual group of people sitting on the couch: Tate admiring Mai in her singing outfit; Midori trying to sip from a glass of beer not being quite the expert; Mikoto eating random things from the table; Haruka shouting something like 'disgusting alcohol' while Yukino was silently observing the whole ordeal;Nao sitting annoyed like ev... _WAIT! What the hell is Nao doing here? I'm not in the mood for a fight. I should probably leave. _She turned away slowly, trying to escape the wrath of...

"Natsuki, you actually came. I'm so glad" Mai stopped singing the moment she spotted Natsuki. The annoyed girl looked back, a scary expression on her face._ Damn, too late._

"Umm... Yeah. I came." the answer was grumpy, like always.

"Oh, ..." a mocking voice could be heard in all that noise: "I didn't know that Kaichou's puppy would be coming." The raven-haired girl didn't even need to look to know where that sneaky and disgusting voice was coming from. Only one person in this room would dare to say that aloud.

"Oh shut up, Nao. You're the last 'thing' I wanted to see." The response sounded serious yet a tad sad.

"Oi, what is wrong with you? Oh yeah, I forgot... Your owner left you behind. You must feel like a lost puppy now. Tsk tsk." Nao added in a bitchy tone.

The words hit Natsuki like a train. She suddenly found it hard to breathe and her knees became weak. _I need to get out of here. Now!_ The biker turned and headed for the door.

"Natsuki, wait!" Mai's voice was concerned, but she didn't care. She just wanted to get out of there and with that she slammed the door.

_Damn you, Nao! You have no friggin' idea how hard it is. No one has... _

The raven-haired girl walked along the street: a deceiving attempt to clear her mind. She didn't want to go back anymore, so she decided that it was best to drive home; her slow pace leading her toward the bike.

"I thought you got lost or something. But it seems that you will always find your bike."

_That voice..._ Natsuki couldn't believe her eyes. Nao was actually and for real leaning against her precious Ducati, filing her nails.

"Get your ass off of my bike! What the hell do you want from me, Nao? Leave me alone already!" Natsuki's voice became really angry and she was hardly restraining herself from going berserk.

"I'm sorry." Nao stated bluntly. Natsuki couldn't decipher the words.

"WHAT? What did you just say?" Not sure if she was imagining things or if Nao truly said that she was sorry, Natsuki stood there like an idiot.

"You heard me. So don't expect me to say that again." The voice was serious and low. A thing she didn't know from the pink-haired girl at all. An awkward silence began to take place. Feeling uncomfortable, Natsuki jumped on her bike, not wanting to stay for another second there.

"You're not going back?" Nao got the hint and was a bit surprised that the other girl still wanted to leave.

"No." was the fierce answer that echoed through the silence of the night.

"Why not?" The younger girl was slightly taken aback by this answer. "You can go back. I wanted to leave anyway. So no need to worry." Her tone was serious. _Strange... _

"I'm not in the mood." The sadness in Natsuki's eyes was clearly visible even to Nao.

_What's wrong Kuga? Nao stared at her. Not that I care; I have my own problems. _

"Do what you want." Nao said in her usual tone, then she turned around to leave.

"Going man hunting again?" The sarcasm in Natsuki's voice made Nao freeze in an instant.

"Why should you care?" she continued, hesitating a bit: "No, I'm going home, that's all."

"Right, you're living with your mother now. She must be really worried about you." She stated, not wanting to go further into this subject.

"She's not home, anyways." Nao's voice became weak and low.

Natsuki didn't expect such a reaction and now she felt like an idiot for saying the last sentence. Trying to repair the presumed damage, she asked:

"Can I can give you a ride?" But in an instant she realized what that meant.

_WHAT have I just said? Why would I give her a ride? She hates me and I hate her. Well, maybe not hate but I can't say that we're getting along very well. _

The debate continued, while Nao was staring at her, an implausible look in her eyes._ But, she looks sad; I shouldn't have said something about her mother. _

"Are you sick or something? Why would you give me a ride? I am the reason why you left that stupid party" Nao's old self was back again.

"It's okay if you don't want to. It was just an offer."

_At least she doesn't look sad anymore._

"I'll be fine. You don't need to worry, sweetheart." Nao said in a sing-song voice; a mischievous grin on her face.

"What? I am not your sweetheart and I'm not worrying about you. God, I was just trying to cheer you up... somehow" Natsuki felt like a complete idiot now.

_What was I thinking? Of course she isn't that sad. She's just trying to pick a fight with me again._

"Cheer me up? What for? I wasn't sad or anything." Nao said, unprepared for this situation.

_So, she noticed… _

"Argh, whatever. I'm leaving." The longer this conversation went on, the more embarrassing it was for Natsuki to open her mouth and say things she'll never admit saying.

"Well, since you asked me so nicely. I'm going to accept your offer." The pink-haired girl said abruptly.

Natsuki's jaw nearly hit the ground. _She has some nerves to say this now... Argh!_

"Oi, Kuga! Don't look like an idiot. You asked me, right? So, do you have another helmet with you?" Nao tried to pretend that all this was natural...

Without a word, Natsuki handed the helmet to Nao and waited for her to get on. Then added:

"So, where do you live?"

"Drive down the main road. I'll tell you where to go and when to stop." Nao said in a rather lower tone.

"Hold on tight." grumbled the biker.

"Ha, there's no way I'm going to touch you like that psychotic…" Nao bit her lip.

_Damn, I can't say something like that again. She'll kick me off her bike or even worse, she'll start to cry or something. _

Natsuki didn't say a thing. She started the engine and sped off, automatically making Nao hold on tight. Still not used to the sudden body contact, the raven-haired girl tensed under Nao's touch, but started to relax as soon as she increased the speed. This freedom was the best cure, for everything.

In front of Nao's house, the younger girl descended elegantly from the bike.

"Wow, didn't know that you live in such a huge place." The surprise was evident on Natsuki's face.

"Well, you know... That's none of your business." Nao said with an annoying nonchalance in her voice.

Suddenly, before Nao even got the chance to nag any further, the raven-haired girl noticed a sign at the door that read 'For Sale'. She raised an eyebrow and Nao instantly turned around, not wanting to explain things.

"Goodnight, Kuga!" She raised her hand, waving it back and forth. Just like a pretty but stupid actress playing a cheap role in a sappy movie.

"Wait! Do you really live here?" an incredulous expression on Natsuki's face.

"Listen, Kuga! Thanks for the ride, but that doesn't mean that we're best friends now. So, mind your own business." She said, not wanting to turn around.

Natsuki's silence and Nao's frustration made the pink-haired girl state the obvious:

"Fine. No, I am not living here. I'm here because I don't want to sleep outside. Happy now?"

The biker couldn't form any words and therefore nothing came out of her mouth. She just stared at the sign. A long pause followed before she finally asked Nao about the reasons.

"What happened? I thought you were living with your mother again..." She didn't get to finish the sentence when Nao started to speak:

"She got a new stupid boyfriend and he seems to dislike me. I really don't care about that, but mama has been acting awkward when I was around. Maybe that's because I told her what happened during the time she was in coma. So, I decided that it would be better to leave her with him." There was a long pause, but Natsuki didn't interrupt her and gave her the time to continue. "And she didn't complain." The pink-haired girl tried to sound untroubled, but she wasn't able to cover the sadness in her voice.

She turned slowly, looking in the same direction as Natsuki. The biker let out a sigh.

"I don't need your pity, though." But the forlorn look still lingered.

"Listen, you are right. We aren't friends, but if you need a place to sleep tonight, you can stay over at my apartment."

* * *

**A/N: **I didn't want to continue the story due to life issues but I don't like unfinished things.


	5. New Friends

"_**Love is just word. Shit is also a word. Just like distance..."**_

**A/N:** Alright Folks, after a long time of well, not writing. I decided to give the story another chance. I hope you like it.

**Beta: Akira Sasaki**

**Disclaimer: Mai HiME sure is property of Sunrise. But still Natsuki and Shizuru belong with me^^**

* * *

**Chapter 4 – New Friends**

Nao mumbled something like '...can't believe, I'm doing this', while Natsuki led the way.

"You know, it's better than sleeping under a bridge." came the biker's response in an instance.

"At least you have sharp ears. The image of a dog fits you quite well."

"Oh yeah and know what? I have the nose too. Take a shower. You smell."

"WTF!" Nao snapped. "Let's see if you can do more than just bark." and with this Nao was ready to punch Natsuki right in the face.

Surprisingly she stopped in the middle of her movement and wrinkled her nose.

"See." A big smirk crossed the older girls' face.

"Where's the bathroom?" A little blush was visible on her pale face.

Natsuki pointed at the door of the bathroom and turned away, still smiling.

_So, even to Nao the word shame is not a complete stranger. I'm relieved. Wait, why I'm relieved? We're even more similar than I thought…_

While the younger girl was showering, Natsuki checked her mails.

_It's not that I'm waiting for something or so. I'll just look if I got some spam-mail to delete._

And there was spam-mail. The Inbox is always filled with them, but no sign from the Kyoto-Beauty.

It's just a couple of hours. Of course, she is not writing me right away. Really, what am I thinking...?

Her face wandered through the empty room to the big window above her bed. Her eyes got captured by the full moon and she somehow got sad by not seeing the bright red star anymore.

It sure is difficult to have powers your whole life and then the evil is gone along with them. That's because good and evil only can exist together, right? I guess everything needs a counterpart.

The sound of the shower stopped. Nao came out of the bathroom, surprisingly still blushing and even more bright red than before.

"Oi... Kuga... Would you mind lending me some of your clothes for tonight?" The voice of the now suddenly shy girl was barely audible.

"Sure, help yourself. The closet is over there." Natsuki's baffled voice came a bit late and seemed to help Nao to get back on track.

"Hopefully you have something more than your sexy lingerie collection." She turned away to face the closet.

"Why? I'm sure your costumers would like that."

Once again there was silence.

_Okay, there you go Natsuki. You just totally overstepped the line. Maybe she won't mind. I mean, she started it, right. She's a tough girl. She can deal with it._

"You know Kuga... " The younger girl's voice became serious and low again.

_Shit... Now I'm afraid. I wouldn't be so afraid if she would just shout at me or punch or something. But this... _

This fragile Nao was something Natsuki couldn't deal with. She had never been good with feelings.

I'll-make-you-shut-your-mouth-conversations were much easier for her.

"As I already said, I never let those scumbags even touch me. I stopped doing that and that's the reason why I don't have new clothes." The last words were only whispers.

Natsuki felt like the most idiotic person on earth, but the pink-haired one, now facing her, went on before she could say anything.

"But don't worry little spoiled brat, I'll find a new job and make some money for living without the help of others. So please, spare me your pity."

The biker didn't know what to say. She turned away and started to make the couch comfortable for herself.

"The bedroom is next to the kitchen. Have a good night." was the only thing that came to her mind

First, Nao made no response. But she also didn't move.

Natsuki turned her head to see what's wrong and she was met with a worried look.

"Aren't you sleeping in your bed? I mean the couch is enough for me... " _Shoot! Stop being such a sap._ "I mean I don't wanna sleep in your dog basket."

_There you go with your tough masquerade... _

"It's okay. I take the couch since you are my guest. Goodnight and don't drool on my sheets." And with that the raven-haired girl gave the other one a true smile.

Obviously stunned by this, Nao didn't know what to say for a few seconds.

"As long as you don't snore too loud." The voice didn't fit her words. It was much too soft but somehow nice.

"Goodnight... and thanks." with this Nao went to the bedroom.

"You're welcome."

Natsuki didn't want to think any more about Shizuru tonight. She was actually happy, that Nao gave her some sort of distraction. So, instead of lying in bed and staring out the window, she could at least listen to Nao's steady breathing. She just wanted to sleep and to shut her brains off. Thankfully, Natsuki was able to fall asleep very quickly.

_Don't turn away. Please stop. You don't have to run anymore. I'm okay now. I can be with you. I want to be with you... Shizuru please... NOOOOO!_

Bathed in sweat, Natsuki was woken up by a hand on her shoulder. The shock was bleaching her face to an unhealthy color.

"Dog, you okay?" a sleepy voice asked.

The stunned girl didn't know what to say at first.

"I mean, you were screaming and struggling. At first I thought you were having some perverted dream about that stupid Kaichou since you mumbled her name a few times, but after a while I figured it might be a nightmare or something." The words were carefully picked. Natsuki heard that from the way Nao spoke. She tried to answer but her voice was fragile.

"Um... Well, I can't really remember."

Of course, she could remember but she didn't want to speak or even think about the dream anymore.

"Oh okay... " Nao sounded worried. Something Natsuki didn't expect and also something she liked in a weird way. The younger girl went in the direction of the bedroom again.

"Wait... " _Dammit! What was that! And now?_

"Hm?" Nao stopped instantly in her movement.

"What is it?

_Okay Brain, here we are again. Help me out. An excuse... an excuse... _

"Is it okay if I sleep in the bedroom, too?"

_WHAT THE HELL? Oh thanks, you stupid sleepy head! She will die of laughing, or even worse I will die because she'll beat me up._

"I guess it's better than letting you stay on the couch. Who knows what you might do next time you have such a nightmare. Probably fall off and break something." Nao answered in a composed manner.

"Yeah yeah, haha I know you would... Wait... it's okay with you?" The baffled voice of Natsuki filled the silence.

"Yes, as long as you stay on your side of the bed instead of starting some wild lesbian action."

"IDIOT! Of course!" Natsuki said with a big blush on her face.

"AND, stop snoring."

_Oh great, I can't remember blushing this hard for while... _

Turned away from each other the two girls fell asleep after a while of discomfort.

_Why is it Shizuru? Why is it that I can never win? _

* * *

**A/N:** AAAAANNND that it is! Like it? Reviews are very much appreciated.


	6. History

"_**Distance between two hearts is not an obstacle; rather a great reminder of just how strong true love can be."**_

**A/N:** HA! It didn't take me such a long time this time. And I already started the next chapter. I am surprised by myself, especially in which direction the story goes -.- I hope you like it, although I still write having proper knowledge in english.

**Beta: Akira Sasaki**

******Disclaimer:**** Mai HiME sure is property of Sunrise. Still...and forever...makes me want to cry**

* * *

**Chapter 5 - History**

_Cold... _

That was the only word Natsuki could form in her head when she woke up. She had the feeling that something was missing. The apartment was much too quiet. Nao must have left early. Not sure what to think of the whole situation, she rose to her feet to check her Mails again.

_You wrote me, right?_

And indeed, there was a message from Shizuru:

'I guess Natsuki was waiting for this all night, am I right? ;-P' and of course Natsuki had a light blush on her face by reading the first line.

'Germany is totally different from Japan. Let's say the people are much more open to many things. I already met some nice people to hang out with. I really would like to write you a longer message but I am not alone. I will tell you about Sandra, that's her name, another time. I think you would like her. She is into motorcycles, too."

_Motorcycles, huh? Sounds great... _

The Ice Queen didn't know what to respond right now. She felt awkward, especially, after the strange night with Nao.

_I wonder how to face her next time I see her. Maybe she will be like always, annoying and stupid. But maybe... maybe she'll be like last night. It was nice to have her around. Somehow... _

Later that day Natsuki remembered that she was supposed to be at Mai's for studying. When arriving there fashionably late, the busty red-head had already waited for her.

"Geez, Natsuki. Why didn't you show up earlier? We had an arrangement. You know you have to study hard for your summer classes. Otherwise you will have to repeat the year. You should really thank Midori for coming over to teach you."

"Alright Mai, I know that. Thanks for reminding me of the evil demon called school. Thanks, Midori... " The last words ended in a cute pouting face.

"No problem. The glorious teacher of justice errhh I mean history is here to help the lost students finding their way back to good grades."

"For god's sake... Teacher of justice... really now... " a familiar voice spoke behind Natsuki's back.

"Oh and before I forget, we have one more participant." Mai stated, completely proud of herself for helping the less fortunate of society with her idea of having Midori as a private teacher.

"Nao... " _Great Natsuki. How inconspicuous you are... dammit._

"Happy, dog?" Nao was cold as ever.

And there it was again. The cold Natsuki has felt this morning was suddenly back.

She didn't have the guts to respond anything useful and therefore she stood quietly.

Nao, wasn't taunting her any further either. Of course, Midori was much too busy with structuring the history lesson in a very weird manner to notice the strange atmosphere between the two wranglers. But Mai was considerate enough to recognize the change in the behavior of her good friend Natsuki and examined her for a while.

In the meantime Midori was shouting at Nao, who was filing her nails and ignoring Midori's monologue about the Nara Period and so was Natsuki, who spent most time looking out of the window, until Midori mentioned the role of Kyoto in the late eleventh century. Hearing the words, her face looked even more lost than before. Natsuki stood up and went wordlessly to the bathroom. Mai quickly sensed that she wasn't the only one who watched the reaction of raven-haired girl with worried eyes.

_Oh my, she must really miss Shizuru a lot... I wonder what I can do to help her... And what in the world is going on between Nao and Natsuki? _Mai thought while thinking of something useful.

"Nao." Mai interrupted Midori's babbling.

"Huh?"

"Do you know what's going on with Natsuki?"

"What? For god's sake, how would I know something about the drama queen?" Nao responded in a distant voice.

BASHHHH! Right after finishing the sentence, the bathroom door shot open and a very mad Natsuki dashed towards the front door.

"Oi, Natsuki, wait!" Mai shouted after her, but she was already on her motorcycle.

"Wow, I guess the lecture is over for today." Midori tossed in, trying to break the silence.

"Yeah, I guess." Mai answered.

Nao still sat there, not moving a finger. Her view still locked with the open front door.

"Nao, are you okay?" Midori asked, irritated about the whole situation.

She suddenly snapped out of her trance.

"What?"

"I asked, if you're okay?" The supposedly teacher repeated.

"Of course, I am. I gotta go." And with this she stood up and left straight away through the still open door.

Mai gave Midori a puzzled look and closed the door.

"Geez, that was weird." Mai whispered to herself.

"Indeed, what was wrong with my lecture?" Midori asked, still not getting the point of the whole scenario.

"I don't think it was your lecture. I guess we will know sooner or later."

Natsuki was driving very fast. She just wanted to get away from them.

_Them? I think I want to get away from everything, especially from the stupid history lecture about Kyoto._

She was automatically driving to the cliff. She didn't really want to go there, but it was somehow automatic. She stopped her motorcycle and sat down to watch the blazing sunset. She still thought of her reaction just because of the mentioning of the city Kyoto. Of course, it wasn't like saying Shizuru's name out loud. But still, that wasn't a reason to freak out either.

_Why am I such an idiot? Behaving like a child in front of my friends and especially in front of Nao... _

As the sunlight was slowly fading away she started to shiver a bit. But she still didn't want to move. She thought of Shizuru and how to respond to her mail.

_That stupid Sandra person. I wonder what she's up to... and why is it that Nao had to make this stupid statement? Am I really such a drama queen?_

Somehow, Natsuki knew that the real reason why she wanted to get out of Mai's apartment so badly was actually because she overheard the conversation between Nao and Mai. It was just that the cold comment made her want to punch someone in the face.

_Damn, why am I so aggressive? I better go home and get a shower to cool down a bit._

And with this she sped into the cool night air.

After taking a long shower, she sat in front of her laptop only wearing a towel around her body. She read Shizuru's Mail once again and formed a short answer:

'Hey Shizuru,

it's good to hear that you already found some people to hang out with. I am very busy with history lectures for my summer classes.

Midori is trying her best to teach me something, but I guess you would do a better job.

Natsuki'

She still wasn't able to express her feelings in the right way. But she tried. She tried to make Shizuru understand that she really missed her.

Right after sending the email, she heard a light knock at the front door. She took a short look on the clock: 11 p.m.

_Who could it be at this time? I better get a knife or something to defend myself in case of danger. It really is a pain without my powers._

She opened the door a bit to take a look in the dark corridor. Green eyes met green eyes.

* * *

**A/N:** I wonder, where this will go. Music inspires me. Well, more the mixture of a lonely rainy night and music.


	7. Guitar

"_**The simple lack of her is more to me than others' presence."**_

**A/N:** Vrrrooom! As fast as I could^^Hope'll you enjoy it.

**Beta: Akira Sasaki**

******Disclaimer:** Mai HiME is, was and will be property of Sunrise...dammit

* * *

**Chapter 6 - Guitar**

"Nao? What the hell are you doing here? It's late."

"Can I come in?"

Natsuki hesitated a bit, which caused Nao to speak again.

"Listen, I am not here to get myself embarrassed or something. It's up to you whether you let me in or not."

Without saying anything she opened the door.

Just as Nao started to go inside, she stopped dead in her tracks.

"Oi, what are you up to?" Nao spat as she pointed at the sharp knife in Natsuki's hand and let her eyes wander up and down the slender body that was wrapped in a very tiny towel.

Natsuki was still a bit irritated about the whole situation and didn't get Nao's comment.

"DOG! The knife, the towel... What are going to do with it? Playing some sick role play or maybe slitting my throat after distracting me by dropping the towel oh so accidentally? Cause if that's the case I prefer staying in the corridor."

"What? No, I was just being careful. You know, it's late and I'm living alone and... "

_Gaahh, why am I acting like a sissy? It's not like I'm a little lost girl._

"Uh-huh, and to scare them away you only wear a towel. That's very smart of you."

"You stupid brat, why would you..." Natsuki decided it would be wise to take a deep breath before she would spit any new venom. "Why would it distract you if I dropped my towel anyway?" She said, raising an eyebrow.

Nao's jaw dropped instead of the towel from the devastating counter. Natsuki sensed the helplessness and decided that they were even now.

"Just joking. Come in."

Nao was still slightly irritated when she entered the apartment.

_She sure has a nice body... WAIT, what sick lesbian shit am I thinking? That's a poor lost puppy and nothing more. I am only here to apologize._

The pink-haired girl took a seat in the living room and made herself comfortable by putting her feet and her mobile phone on the table while Natsuki got herself something to wear. Nao was taking a closer look at her surroundings this time and was surprised to find an acoustic guitar in the corner next to a small television. She couldn't resist the temptation to touch the wooden instrument. After struggling for a bit and brushing against the strings, she started to play some random chords which slowly began to form a song she hadn't played for years.

Natsuki was watching the whole scene from the door of her bedroom. First she wanted to make a teasing comment, but after seeing the dedication in Nao's playing, she could only stand still and listen to the nice melody. Seeing the younger girl play somehow made her happy. She didn't know that Nao was capable of doing something that beautiful.

_She sure is full of surprises. I wonder where she learned to play the guitar so well. I could really use such as a nice kind of such melody to fall asleep tonight... _

Nao soon realized that she had been watched and stopped playing right away.

"Why did you stop?" came the complaint from the black-haired beauty.

"Why did you spy?" Nao snapped.

"First of all, this is my apartment and my guitar. Secondly I wasn't spying, I was listening."

"It's the same. I'm sorry I touched your precious guitar. It could use some new strings. The old ones are getting rusty."

Natsuki couldn't understand why Nao would react so aggressively. She was the one who started playing after all. But instead of being persistent, she decided to stop arguing.

"Alright, you still haven't told me why you are here at such an hour."

Nao seemed to think about her words quiet long.

"I just wanted to apologize for my comment at Mai's apartment." She said with a tad of true regret in her voice.

Natsuki needed a bit to recapitulate what the younger girl meant and was not quite sure what to think about it. She would have never thought of Nao being this considerate.

"Apology accepted." Natsuki stated bluntly.

Nao felt stupid and didn't know what to say or do except for leaving.

"Well, that was all. I got to go now." she coldly responded and started to walk towards the front door.

Natsuki though, somehow felt the urge to stop her, but she couldn't find a logical reason in her head.

_Why would I want to stop her? She said what she wanted to say and that should be it._

And without being hindered Nao left the apartment.

_Great Natsuki, you made her feel embarrassed. But oh hey, she was the one who came here in the middle of the night for making an excuse about her behavior, although it wasn't necessary. _

Natsuki was eying the guitar and felt the need to play for a while. Unfortunately she couldn't play very well. She always wanted to learn it but she didn't have the time and so it sounded rather horrible. While strumming, she thought back of the song Nao played earlier and there it was...

_Natsuki, you stupid idiot! Of course, she wasn't only here to say sorry. She told you, she doesn't have a place to stay at moment and you made her go away._

She felt really bad and dialed Nao's number on the phone. She was a bit frightened when she heard the ringing of Nao's phone coming from the table. Right after the ringing started she hung up because there was no sense in calling her when she left her phone here. Much to Natsuki's relief there was knocking on the door again.

"I forgot my phone."

"I know, would you mind coming in?" Natsuki asked with a much gentler voice than before.

"Well, I only wanted to grab my phone... " Nao said, not quite sure what to think of it.

"Yeah, I know but I think this time it's my turn to say sorry. So let me treat you to a beer."

Seemingly unable to withstand any alcoholic beverage, Nao's face smoothened. "Sounds good. I'm in."

Natsuki fetched two beers from the fridge and sat down next to Nao on the couch.

They both took a huge gulp. None of them said a word until Nao broke the silence.

"You're a miserable guitar player, you know."

Natsuki was about to explode again when she saw the smirk on the pink-haired girl's face and so she decided not to take it as an accusation.

"You sure can play a lot better. Where did you learn to play so well?" She asked instead of insulting her former opponent.

"I had lessons when I was younger and later on I played in a band for more than a year until I discovered my HiME powers."

"Wow, that's pretty impressive. It was nice to hear you play. What was that song you were playing earlier? I really liked it."

Nao's face turned suddenly very serious.

"It is the favorite song of my mother. I used to play it for her when I was younger and I played it for her several times in the hospital when she was in a coma." Her voice was barely audible now.

_Shit, why am I always saying the wrong things? It must be some kind of evil curse or something. Okay, I got to think of something to distract her._

"I wish I could play as well as you, but in my hands it's only good enough to scare away some grandmothers." Natsuki said, adding a nervous laugh.

And much to her delight, Nao smiled about the stupid comment.

"I could teach you... "

"What?" Natsuki wasn't sure if she heard right.

"I mean if you really want to learn to play the guitar, I could show you some chords and stuff."

The older girl had to admit that she had always wanted to be able to play the guitar. But really, this was getting a bit too weird.

"I don't know... " Of course, she had to hesitate. This was Nao of all people.

"Sorry, forget it. It was just a rash thought." Nao was serious again, seemingly regretting her offer.

"Okay. Do it." Natsuki just couldn't stand the serious and lonely look.

"Do what?"

"Teach me."

"Really? Now?" The younger girl's eyes shot wide open in disbelief.

"Yes, I would like to learn playing guitar."

"I don't know if I can do it. I mean I don't think I'm a good teacher, but I'll try my best. It can't be more boring than Midori's history lessons, right?"

Both girls started to laugh carelessly for the first time in day. They just let the serotonin intoxicate their mind for a few minutes.

_It feels strangely good to see her laughing. I can't remember the last time I was laughing like this... _

"When will we start?" Nao asked after whipping away a tear from her eyes as a result of the laughing fit.

"We can start right away, if you want to."

"Now? But it's really late and I got to go... " She didn't really know how to finish the sentence, but Natsuki didn't hesitate to help her out.

"You can stay here, if it gets too late. I'm really motivated right now. Please." She said with a smile that even Nao could not resist.

"Umm, eerr. Okay... " Nao was slightly blushing and Natsuki couldn't repress a smirk.

_I guess this was the best thing I could do to make it up to her. Brain strikes again!_

"Would you hand me the guitar please?" Nao said, after getting back on track.

"First of all, I'll show you how to hold the guitar right. You have to hold it like this." She said as she was gliding down to the floor.

Nao showed the way a guitar should be held correctly and Natsuki tried to imitate it without success.

"No. You have to be gentle... if you're able to somehow."

"I am very able to!" Natsuki pouted.

"Alright, don't get angry little puppy. Let me help you."

Nao positioned herself behind Natsuki and had to wrap her arms around her to grab the guitar. Natsuki was more than irritated and started panicking. She struggled with her arms and turned her head only to stiffen when she was facing Nao directly.

Their faces were only inches away from each other and neither of them was moving a muscle or even breathing.

* * *

**A/N:** Ah, yes...the mean cliffhanger is back. But I have some good news for my readers. Actually, I think only two people read this cause I only got two reviews...Makes me wanna cry and stop writing instantly. BUT I didn't do it. I wrote and wrote and I already finished Chapter 8! It's getting too exciting for me to write so I always have to wait a few days before publishing the next chapter. So bare with me and read and review...it's what keeps writers going


	8. Catfight

_**"Love is only half the illusion; the lover, but not his love, is deceived"**_

**A/N: **Early update because it's a short chapter. The next one is longer. Some people wrote a review and were worried about the development of the NatNao relationship. I just wanted to say, that some plot is requiered. There have to be complications and drama. So all Shizna-Fans be patient and bare with me just a little longer.

**Beta: Akirda Sasaki**

******Disclaimer:** Mai HiME = property of Sunrise -.-

* * *

**Chapter 7 - Catfight**

There was some kind of electricity in the air that neither of them was capable of understanding. The world seemed to stop moving. Though it obviously didn't as Natsuki's cell made clear by going off like a berserker. Both jumped at the loud ringing. Their hearts were beating to no end while they were still starring at each other in horror.

_WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?_

Nao was the one who got a hold of herself first. "Won't you pick up that noisy phone?"

Natsuki was now starring at the mobile screen only to remain with a terrified look. The display clearly showed the letters: S-h-i z-u-r-u.

_For god's sake. I knew it, I am cursed for real._

"Yes?" she said with a shaky voice.

"Natsuki, is that you?" a beautiful voice asked.

"Yes."

"You sound weird. Are you alright? Did I wake you up? I'm sorry. I know it's late. Let's talk another time."

"No, no it's alright. I wasn't asleep." Slowly getting a hold of herself again, Natsuki tried to calm down enough to talk at least without a shaking voice.

"Oh okay. I was a bit worried because your mail sounded so strange. But I guess you're just exhausted thanks to the history lessons. I wish I could be home to play teacher and student with you." Shizuru added the last sentence with such an alluring voice that Natsuki's jaw dropped at once and her face went bright red.

"Shi-Shi-Shizuru... " Natsuki stuttered.

"It's good to know that I still know which buttons to push on my precious Natsuki."

"Umm, err. Stop it already. I have guests." she said, sounding slightly embarrassed.

"Oh, at this time? Say hello to Mai." Assuming it could only be Mai at this late, Shizuru's voice was nonchalant.

"Actually, it's not Mai. It's Nao... " Natsuki had no intention of lying to the abroad-student, but she also had no reasonable explanation for the whole situation.

There was an awful long silence before Shizuru's voice filled it again in the sweetest tone.

"Yuuki-san?"

Natsuki didn't know what to say. She didn't know how to explain herself. _Wait, do I even have to explain myself?_

"Yeah, she's teaching me to play guitar." The husky voice was back, and so was Natsuki's cool self.

"Oh, I see. Well then, I don't want to disturb you two any further. Goodnight, my dear Natsuki." Shizuru said composed.

"Goodnight." and with this Shizuru had hung up.

Nao, who was watching the whole scene, was suddenly very angry when she saw Natsuki starring at the bottom with sad eyes again.

"What's wrong? Didn't you get your goodnight pet from the psychotic Kaichou?" she couldn't help it. The words just slipped out. But strangely enough, she didn't regret it. She was angry, although she didn't know why.

"What?" Natsuki responded with the same aggressiveness. "That's none of your damn business."

"Right! It's none of my business that you're not able to stay true to yourself and spell out your feelings towards that psychotic bitch!"

Natsuki's eyes became wide.

"How dare you... "

"How dare I speak like this about your precious Fujino?" They both were furious now. "I tell you why! Because she isn't worth that you feel so bad about her! She left you and is probably having fun with another girl you don't even know of, and you are here waiting like a lost puppy full of sadness and regret. And the worst thing is that you're not even brave enough to admit it." Every word stung like a dagger.

"What would someone like you know about Shizuru... about me... about us... " Natsuki tried to speak strongly but the tears in her eyes broke her voice. "Leave... " she turned around and left for the bedroom.

"Right, run away. I am not your precious Kaichou. You're weak and you're not even strong enough to admit that. I despise people like you."

There was no response anymore. Only silence. No sobs, no breathing. Just nothing.

Natsuki heard the light steps and the clicking of the front door. She wasn't able to move while silent tears rolled down her face.

_How could I have possibly thought that Nao would understand something like this...? I guess I am meant to be alone. I want her by my side. I want her here with me... I don't want her to find someone new... I am a horrible person._

"Shizuru... come back to me... "

* * *

**A/N: **I'm not quite sure where the story goes but there will be Shizuru. Just wait for the next chapter and trust me I'm a Shiznat-Fan too**. **Again, I'm glad about the reviews especially about a particular one. Potatoes are very rare these days.


	9. In the distance

_**"I hate the stars because I look at the same ones as you do, without you."**_

**Beta: Akira Sasaki  
**

**Disclaimer:** **Mai HiME is property of Sunrise and not me...not me...not me =(**

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**Chapter 8 – In the distance**

Near the campus in the city of Cologne in Germany, a young girl was standing impatiently in the doorframe of her apartment.

"Shizuru, are you ready?"

"I'm sorry Sandra, I'm not feeling well. I guess I have to miss out on this one." Shizuru said with a beautiful smile.

"What? But I've been looking forward to this party for weeks." The brunette girl sadly stated.

"I know, and that's why you're going without me. There will be more than enough girls for you..." Shizuru smirked and winked at her.

"That might be true. But I want you, and even more I want you to want me, too." The girl tried to sound playful, but Shizuru knew that she meant every word.

She knew very well that this tall pretty girl was in love with her and she had to admit that she wasn't entirely innocent. She was good with making people fall in love with her. _At least with most people..._

"Go out and have fun. You're young. I'll come with you next time." She finished the last sentence with a short kiss on the mouth of the other girl because she decided it was better not to go into the comment any further. They had that conversation before, and it always ended in an argument. Sandra just couldn't understand how Shizuru could be so persistent about a small Japanese girl who was so far away. Thankfully, the taller girl gave in and left for the party.

Shizuru was relieved to pull off the smiling face. She lay down on her bed and watched the first stars appearing at the sky.

_Are you looking at the same sky in this moment, my dear Natsuki? Probably not since you still have Nao over. How come you and Nao suddenly get along so well that she is teaching you how to play guitar? It must look beautiful when you strum the strings with your slender and gentle fingers... I wish I could see you play. But it's not me, it's her who has the pleasure to hear and see it. God, I would have never thought that I could be jealous of someone like Nao. In three months, I'll be coming home for a visit. I wonder if you'll miss me by then. _

At Mai's apartment the history lesson, that was so harshly interrupted the other day, continued. Only one person was missing.

"Is Natsuki still sick, Mai?" Midori asked.

"Yeah, she told me. She's not feeling well, but she doesn't want me to come over. She said she has some kind of stomach trouble and that she doesn't want me to get it too."

_That liar. Still crying like a little baby over that stupid Fujino-bitch._

Nao, knew quite well that Natsuki wasn't really sick, except for a certain type of love-sickness.

"Well then, let's go on with the lesson. Maybe she can catch up somehow. There is still a lot of stuff to learn and we don't have much time left." Midori said, trying to get Nao's attention, and she was lucky enough to actually get it today.

Three days passed before Natsuki felt like leaving the bed for good. She couldn't even remember what she did the last few days except for sleeping and thinking. She felt sore. It was already getting dark when she entered the living room with a cup of instant noodles. She saw the guitar lying on the floor, a bad reminder of the fight with Nao. The first day she was so mad at her that she swore to herself to never see the younger girl again, but with time the agony faded and now she somehow missed her. Of course, in a strange way, but she had to admit that the words Nao had said weren't entirely untrue. She normally preferred the direct way and the harsh words. But when it came to herself she felt like a beaten puppy. _Nao also knows which buttons she has to push, but she just isn't aware of it. She just says what is on her mind. Just like I would have done in her position. I am just not able to when it comes to Shizuru... _

Natsuki, decided to be brave and opened her mailbox. But there was nothing. Not a sign of the Kyoto-beauty.

_Nao was probably right. She has this Sandra-person, and I am miles away. _The beep of her cell stopped her train of thoughts.

'I am sorry.' The message was not from Shizuru as she'd assumed, but Nao. Much to her surprise, Natsuki still was a bit happy to hear from the pink-haired girl. She typed a short response 'It's okay.'

Beep.

'Are you doing okay? Or at least any better?' They started a little message chat.

'Yeah, I'm alright.'

Beep.

'Ready, for another guitar lesson?'

Natsuki smiled at the thought of the last lesson though she was also a bit afraid. It was a really odd situation, but she had enough of being sad and alone. If Shizuru was able to have fun, she was more than able too, right...?"

'Sure, do you wanna come over?'

Beep.

'I'll be there in half an hour.'

As Nao came over she held up a package of new strings. It wasn't really meant as an apology, but she felt the need to at least bring along something.

"You'll see this will make it sound much better."

"How much did they cost?" came the instant question.

"This one is on me. Let's say for underlining my apology."

Strangely enough both girls were in a very good, even playful mood after their big fight a couple of days earlier.

"I get the feeling that you always come here to apologize. Maybe there's something wrong with your behavior." Natsuki said with a disarming smile which made Nao slightly blush again.

"Well yes, I am temperamental at times." She countered almost shy.

"It's good. I like it." Natsuki said, still smiling "Although, it doesn't seem likely."

"So, shall we restring your guitar?" Nao asked, trying to get draw the attention away from her rosy cheeks.

"Yes Ma'am." Natsuki answered with enthusiasm.

Two beers and a lot of stress later, the guitar was almost ready. Nao was about to re-tune it when Natsuki started to speak while she watched the pink-haired girl doing magic to her old guitar.

"You know, you were right... " She thought about how to finish the sentence without sound sappy again. She didn't want to be pitied by anyone. "About me being not honest with Shizuru, and especially to myself. I had a lot of time to think about the whole situation in the last few days."

"I know... I know that I am right. But the way I said it was probably not appropriate." Nao responded and after that they fell silent. But this time it was a good silence.

"Finished." Nao said while holding up the guitar like a trophy.

"Can you play a bit for me before we start the lesson? I would like to hear you play again." Natsuki demanded, using her puppy eyes.

"I... I... don't know... "

"Please, just a bit." The older girl asked as politely as she could, hoping to persuade the other girl.

"Okay, but only a short song. After all, I am here to teach you."

It was already past midnight. Nao's hands flew over the fret. It seemed like a mystical dance to Natsuki with a hypnotic melody and she could feel her eyelids getting heavy. Her thoughts melted with the sounds of the guitar as her tired body gave in.

- 'Shizuru, no! Why would you turn to someone like her?' -

When Natsuki awoke bathed in sweat from her nightmare, she found herself still lying on the couch. But she had a blanket spread over her body. She realized that she had fallen asleep, and was about to jump up in panic because she thought that Nao had left again.

_Damn it. She still doesn't have a place to stay, does she?_

"Hey sleepy head, did I wake you up? I'm sorry. I was just about to leave." Nao said, standing at the door with jacket on already.

"No it's not your fault, I had a nightmare." The raven-haired girl try to rub off the sleep from her eyes.

"Again? You really need some quality sleep... " Nao said subdued.

"I guess so... " Still not fully awake, Natsuki had troubles in organizing her thoughts. Half of them were still captured in the latest nightmare.

"Well then. Get some sleep. I'm leaving." Nao finally said, when Natsuki just stared into the emptiness of the room.

"Nao... "

"Yes... "

"Do you wanna stay over...? I actually slept very well last time you were here..." Natsuki's voice was so quiet that Nao could only imagine what the older girl said.

"If it's okay with you... "

Natsuki went to the bathroom to hand Nao the clothes she had worn last time. "I'll go ahead. Make yourself comfortable." The biker commented.

Nao was slowly getting back to teasing mode. "Yes, sir! And be sure to be dressed when I enter the bedroom. I don't wanna go blind."

"As if. I'll be dressed. Don't worry." Natsuki said with a little smile on her face. The older girl was already asleep when Nao entered the bedroom.

_She is not as strong as she acts. Actually there is a weakness in her I truly like, and damn she is beautiful when she's asleep. No wonder that psycho kissed her in her sleep... GAHH, where is this coming from? Sick lesbianism must be contagious. Gotta sleep now. _Nao's thoughts were interrupted by a quiet whimper._ Having nightmares again, ice princess..?. I swear this stupid Fujino isn't worth your torture. _Nao got herself closer to the sleeping girl and encircled her waist. The last thing she saw before she fell asleep was a light smile on the lips of the older girl._ No more nightmares for tonight._

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**A/N: **Well, more Shizuru in this chapter and there is still more to come.


	10. Teaser

_**"Brand new nails across my skin"**_

**A/N**: Only two reviews this time. Sad. Anyway. here's the next chapter.

**Beta: Akira Sasaki**

**Disclaimer**:** I don't own Mai HiME. But Sunrise does, those happy bastards.**

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**Chapter 9 - Teaser**

Natsuki woke up very early in the morning. She again found herself in the arms of Nao. But this time, she did not feel as awkward as last time. She slowly started to move, careful not to wake the younger girl. After stretching and yawning for a bit, she faced Nao's sleeping form. _She looks so young and fragile... kind of beautiful even... _

A sound from her stomach reminded Natsuki roughly that human beings are supposed to eat from time to time, especially in the morning. _A good chance to thank her for the guitar lessons._ A few minutes later she sped off to fetch breakfast.

Nao was eventually woken up by the delicious smell of coffee and toast. Not quite sure if she was allowed to simply enter the kitchen to have breakfast, she decided to first take a look into it from a safe distance, only to find Natsuki laying the table for two people. Just when she was about to go inside, she was spotted by Natsuki.

"Hey sleepy-head, are you hungry?" she said with a happy voice, which was strange enough coming from the drama queen.

"Actually, yes. But you didn't make this all because of me right?" Natsuki blushed a bit and Nao spoke again. "Forget it, it was a stupid question."

"Take a seat. Breakfast is almost ready." The emerald-eyed girl urged her. After serving the coffee the black-haired princess sat down and began to eat.

"Did you sleep well?" she asked Nao to initiate a conversation.

"Yes, which is more than you can say for yourself, right?"

"Why? What do you mean?" Unsure what to make of the question Natsuki kept herself busy with preparing the toast. Nao on the other hand was unsure if it was a smart thing to talk about the nightmares with her host. _If I ask her about her nightmares it will lead to the fact that I held her in my arms again and this will lead to the stupid Fujino, which leads to a sad Natsuki... Gaaahh, I have to speak to her about this bitch anyway. It can't go on like this. She'll be broken in the end and that stupid serpent charmer will be having happy lesbian action in Germany... I'm actually a bit worried about the many times I use the word lesbian. Must be the presence of Kuga, that damn lesbian. There I go again..._

The ticking clock on the wall was filling in for the absence of speech while Natsuki was watching Nao's inner debate with growing interest. When Nao noticed the teasing expression on the older girls face her cheeks became red.

"You didn't do nasty things last night, did you?" Natsuki just couldn't resist. _Slowly, I understand where the fun lies in teasing…_

"I... I... beg your pardon?" Nao stuttered back. "If you think I'm into the same lesbian lesbianism you used to have around… and with around I mean that psycho… you know, the lesbian… the lesbian president… whatever!" _Damn, why do I keep saying this sick word... _

"It's okay. Slow it down, girl." Natsuki said oddly composed. "You know, it's not actually about loving girls, it's about loving a person who happens to be a girl."

Nao was startled by Natsuki's comment. _Somehow, that sounds right. If such a thing like love would actually exist. Though, it's still sick of course…_There was a longer pause before Nao decided to speak what was really on her mind.

"Your nightmares... they're always about Fujino, right? She asked facing the table as she was too afraid of looking into the supposedly sad eyes of her opposite.

Natsuki did just the same as she sat down. "Apparently. At least most of the time."

"How..." Nao started, but instantly rephrased. "I mean why... "

Natsuki sighed heavily before she formed an answer. "I don't know why either. I think I realized too late what Shizuru means to me."

"And that is?" Though she anticipated the answer, she thought it would be a good idea to make the beaten puppy say it out loud.

"I don't know for sure. I guess she's more than just a friend... " Natsuki said very carefully, still not facing Nao.

"I think you know quite well what she means to you. Your reactions, dreams and emotions show it very clearly, but as usual, you're too afraid to talk about your feelings."

Natsuki was startled by Nao's succinct comment. _How could she assume to know me so well? Maybe I know what Shizuru means to me but..._"You're right." Natsuki suddenly said. "I am really just a coward. But this will end right now." Much to Nao's surprise, the former ice queen of Fuuka Academy hastily jumped up from her chair and grabbed the laptop.

"Mutt, are you crazy now? What are you doing? Starting an Emo-Blog or something?"

"No, no. I am writing Shizuru an E-Mail about my feelings." She said with a concentrated voice.

_Great Nao! You encouraged her to spill her feeling to a psychotic serpent charmer who left her for getting some new victims in a faraway country._

"But you know that she's far away, don't you?" Nao said, trying to stop Natsuki from doing something reckless.

"Yes, but that doesn't matter right now." Natsuki wasn't really listening to Nao anymore and the younger girl soon noticed that she wasn't needed anymore right now.

"I got to go. I have some things to do." Nao said grabbing her stuff.

"Yeah, no problem. See you." Natsuki wasn't even looking at her. _And that's what you get for trying to help that stupid mutt... Wait, she is happy and honest right now. That is what I wanted, right? Damn, why doesn't it make me feel good? Must be the bad-person-on-the-inside-syndrome or something._

The door slammed shut and Natsuki suddenly noticed that she was alone since Nao was gone. _Ughh, hopefully I wasn't too unfriendly. Anyway, I have to get this mail done._

- 'Dear Shizuru,

It seems this morning I have been woken up from a very bad dream. I suddenly realized that even I have to talk about my feelings sometimes. I know, I should have said this earlier, but somehow I was always too afraid to speak to you. Though, now that you're gone, I don't quite know how to say things either. But I have to talk to you. Since I still have some time left until school starts and I've never been to Germany, I've decided to visit you. If it's okay with you, I will buy the plane ticket for this Friday.

Natsuki.' -

Click.

- Your E-Mail has been sent. -

Two girls were silently lying in each other's arms while looking outside the window watching the night sky.

"Are you thinking of her right now?" the brunette girl asked, not getting an answer from the chestnut-haired one.

"I see... " Sandra assumed beaten.

Shizuru still wasn't saying a word. Indeed, she was thinking about Natsuki, but she didn't want to hurt the German girl in being so direct. _She has been here for me, when I was down on my knees after arriving here without my dear Natsuki. I can't just ignore her feelings for me, especially now, when Natsuki seems to get along without me quite well. I just don't understand why it has to be this Yuuki-girl to cheer her up. I thought they hated each other. At least she tried to kill Natsuki during the carnival. _ Shizuru got an edgy look on her face and Sandra knew her well enough by now to notice that something was off.

"Alright, Shizuru. You know what? Let's go for a ride." Sandra suggested in the hopes to purge Shizuru's mind at least for a bit. The Kyoto-beauty looked at Sandra with a puzzled expression.

"It's late." she said with a smooth voice and a thick Japanese accent.

"I know, but who cares. We're still young. So let's enjoy the night air and the stars at a nicer place. Maybe I can distract you again..." She said with a grin.

Shizuru was flattered and she was really happy that the other girl was there to cheer her up. She answered her with a long kiss. They closed the door and got on the Honda VTR SP3. Shizuru placed herself behind Sandra and held on tight.

_This could have been us... If only you could have loved me the way I loved you... and still do._

Shizuru shut her brains off and they were gone with a loud roar from the engine. A few seconds after they had left the building, Shizuru's laptop made a sound.

- You've got mail. -

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_**A/N:** _It's getting more and more complicated... _  
_


	11. Appointments

_**"Sometimes the memories are worth the pain"**_

**A/N: **A short chapter. I'm sorry for the late update. I was on vacation. Oh the sea...Anyway, enjoy!

**Beta: Akira Sasaki**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Mai HiME.**

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**Chapter 10 - Appointments**

Natsuki was nervously checking her mailbox every minute. But of course, nothing happened. She knew that she had to get some things done. She turned her head towards the kitchen.

_Ughh... I hate doing chores. _

After another 20 minutes of pretending to be busy searching some things on the internet, she had to admit that there was no way around cleaning. She started in the living room, then the bedroom, and finally the kitchen. While cleaning the kitchen she noticed that Nao had not eaten something for breakfast at all. _No wonder she has such a striking figure... Mhh... I guess I wasn't very nice before she left.. But I will make it up to her tomorrow somehow. _She wrote Nao a short message.

'Sorry for this morning. Are you free tomorrow?' The answer came quite late but it was a positive one.

Beep.

'Yes.'

Natsuki didn't really know what to do to make it up to her. But she decided that a ride would do.

'Let's go for a ride. I'll pick you up at 6 p.m.'

Beep.

'Okay. I'm curious about where you're taking me.'

Natsuki was a bit shocked because she hadn't thought of any special place by now. But she would just follow her feelings tomorrow. That's the way she always drives when she wants to relax for a little.

On the next morning the first thing Natsuki did was switching on her laptop. She was slightly angered by now because Shizuru hadn't replied yet. But when she opened her mailbox she found an E-Mail without words but a huge attachment from Shizuru. It was a plane ticket. She had a baffled look on her face. But her brain gave her a silent slap. _That's what you wanted you idiot. You wanted to visit her and tell her about your feelings. So go, print it out and get ready for Friday. _When Natsuki had the ticket printed out for taking a closer look she suddenly realized that the ticket wasn't for next Friday but for today instead. _Oh shit! Quick, quick, quick! I need to gather all my things and get myself ready. I only have a few hours left. Damn it, no more time to prepare my speech. As if Shizuru would have known! Maybe she does... No, Natsuki! She thinks you hate her. So go and make her happy for once. _

Natsuki needed over two hours to get all her things done and after looking at her luggage, she knew that she would have to pay a fine for excess baggage. _Stupid lingerie! Must weight so much. Anyway... I need options._ A look on the clock told her that she was really late. _Shit, I need to hurry. Do I have everything? Oh right, I will send Mai a message that I'll be away for a while visiting Shizuru._ And with this she closed the door and followed her heart.

Meanwhile in Germany two certain girls had finally a rather loud argument about crucial matters.

"Please, only for a few days." Shizuru claimed as politely as possible giving the rather urgent circumstances.

"The hell will I do. I am not your personal slave. You can't just push me away just because you're little precious one is coming for a visit."

"Don't you dare speaking of Natsuki such a way."

"Oh, I'm sorry if I hit a weak spot there! I live here too! And I'm not going to leave just because it's her." The anger was underlined with a spur of sarcasm, making the mixture of emotion even deadlier.

"Fine. Then stay. I will leave!"

After the raging storm came a thick veil of silence. Shizuru knew that she was harsh. But she didn't want Natsuki to meet Sandra. _She will gather one and one. She will know that it is no normal friendship and she will assume the wrong things. _Shizuru was abruptly torn out of her thoughts when she heard the other girl's light sobbing. Sandra had already started to pack her things and Shizuru suddenly felt really bad about her behavior.

_Oh no, I didn't want to make her cry. It's completely selfish of me to talk to her like that... _

"Sandra, I'm sorry. You can, of course, stay here."

"Fuck you, Shizuru! You know very well that I'm in love with you and you don't care a fucking bit about me! You only worry about your Natsuki, even though she doesn't care for you!"

The words hit Shizuru like a train.

_She is right. I left because I couldn't endure being near her anymore. She will never be able to love me and I still fuck up all relationships because of those false hopes. I can't simply forget all of this just because she is coming to visit me. We're friends. That's what she wanted anyway. So, it should be okay to meet Sandra. I already told Natsuki about her. No big deal. Maybe she'll be happy for me... Hopefully not... _

Shizuru grabbed Sandra's hand before she could leave and whispered in her ear.

"It's okay with me if you stay. But only if it's okay for you." A deep breath gave the taller girl goose bumps "You are important to me. You should know that by now." The last words were spoken with a tenderness Sandra could never resist. Sandra looked deep into the crimson eyes and set her bag aside.

While Natsuki is lightly snoring in the plane towards Germany, a pink-haired girl is standing on a corner at an outlying street staring at the setting sun. _Natsuki, you will come, right? _

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**A/N:** And now I have to write again. So I don't know yet what will happen next.


	12. Shortcuts

_**"How typical of humans...Your eyes are clouded so you cannot see...Even though the truth is always within you..."#**_

******Beta: Akira Sasaki**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Mai HiME.**

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**Chapter 11 - Shortcuts  
**

When Natsuki left the plane she was blended by the light of the midday sun. The time shift felt awkward to her as the day was already over in Japan. In Germany though, it was only noon.

_Like living a day again._

After grabbing her luggage, she felt a little lost in the hugeness of the airport. Cologne certainly was a different kind of city compared to Fuuka. It was amazing that such a little city in Japan had an airport to begin with. When she had finally found the exit, the situation wasn't getting any better. There were tons of people plus a language she didn't understand at all. She was nervously scanning the masses, hoping to find a bus or taxi. All she had after all was Shizuru's address and cell number. _What a mess. I really would have needed a bit more time for preparation. I'm here in a foreign land with strange letters and busy people and I... WHAT THE HECK?! _Natsuki suddenly went blind. She couldn't think and had not realized what had happened behind her back.

"Who dares touching me?" she screamed in anger.

"Ara, still as aggressive as always."

The soft voice made Natsuki shiver and she didn't even dare to breathe. The world seemed to stop in this very minute, her knees became week and her mouth was dry like a barren desert. Shizuru, of course, noticed that Natsuki stopped breathing and became slightly worried when she saw the other girl shiver. Hence, she decided to take her hands from Natsuki's eyes and since the girl was still not turning around, Shizuru broke the silence.

"Oh my, and here I thought Natsuki would be happy to see me. But it seems I scared the brave warrior princess to death."

Natsuki's mind was blank. If somebody would have poked her in the back, she would have fallen right on her face. _OH-MY-GOD...__ There she is. Standing right behind me. Picking me up from the airport. Of course she would do that. How stupid of me not to consider this possibility. Natsuki! Get a hold of yourself. You're acting like an idiot. Turn around. Say hello. _Nothing happened. _Why won't my body move? Okay, be brave. You can do it!_ Natsuki slowly started to turn around and with every bit her heart started to beat faster after the sudden heart attack from before. Finally facing the other girl, her now rather loud heartbeat seemed to stop again. _This is too much. First I went blind then deaf and now I can't hear anything but my heart hammering in chest. Maybe I'll die before I could even say hello._ The raven-haired girl still wasn't able to say something. She just stared into Shizuru's deep red eyes. The moment Natsuki had turned around, Shizuru was silenced by the almost forgotten beauty of the younger girl's face. _How could I have forgotten about that beautiful face? These eyes... Oh god, not again... _She suddenly felt dizzy and so the two girls where stupidly staring at each other without saying a word for what felt like forever. Thanks to the German unfriendliness the situation was cleared by a hectic man who jostled against Shizuru's back. It wasn't on purpose but of course, she was forced to stumble forward only to land right into Natsuki's arms.

_Oh shit... _

But without giving a second thought, Natsuki caught Shizuru's fall and took her into her arms. It was not about thinking what to do but about doing what feels right. And it felt right. More than that. Shizuru herself wasn't able to stop her fall. She first thought she would need to pull away, but when she felt Natsuki's arms encircle her, she couldn't bring herself to break the embrace.

"Well, I guess this is hello... " She breathed into Natsuki's ear.

"Hello Shizuru... " Natsuki whispered back much more affectionate than expected.

Somewhere in Japan close to the dorms of Fuuka Academy, Nao was sitting all alone on a bench in front of a small pond.

_Of course she would forget about me the very moment that damn bitch called. Owner calls, puppy comes... That stupid dog! I wish I had kicked her ass when I still had my powers. She could at least have called to tell me she is leaving. But no, she simply forgot me and I was stupid enough to worry to death. TO EVEN CALL MAI AND ASK HER IN PANIC! That was more than embarrassing. At least I'm back to being an intelligent decent person without having strange thoughts. Well, okay… cross out that decent. Anyway, it's good for me that she's away, right…? _

"Hey, don't I know you?"

A deep voice came from behind and scared the young girl almost to death. She turned around out of reflex, trying not give away her anxiety.

_Oh shit!_

"Of course, I know you. You bitch robbed me and chained me with this huge mechanic monster."

Nao had to admit that she was indeed more than afraid. She knew the voice very well. The man was much taller and stronger than her and she hadn't any of her power left. It wasn't too hard for the guy to notice the fear in her eyes. And with this he also figured this time something had changed.

"Lucky me, you don't seem to have any witchcraft anymore. This time I will be the one who will chain you! And believe me, you little bitch, this going to hurt!" His voice was sinister and his eyes full of hate.

_Fuck! Fuck! FUCK! Gotta call for help!_

But before she could make any sound she was knocked out.

On the train to Shizuru's apartment, the girls finally started to get more comfortable around each other.

"I know you would have preferred a ride but I can't afford it. I'm sorry."

"No need to be sorry." Natsuki was still looking at Shizuru in amazement. _She is so pretty. Her voice, her eyes. Everything. God, I was so stupid to let her go. Hopefully, I can correct that later on. _

"Since when is Natsuki such a deep thinker? You look very pensive to me. Is everything okay?"

"What? Me? Umm, I'm just a bit tired. The flight was a bit uneasy." Natsuki lied as best as she could. There was no way she would give Shizuru any teasing ground.

"No problem. You can rest for a bit when we're at my apartment. I have class later. We can make plans for tonight after that."

Shizuru was a bit worried that Sandra wouldn't keep her promise to be away when she and Natsuki were to arrive at the apartment for the first time. But when they finally came to their destination, Shizuru was lucky enough to find out that the German girl had kept the promise. _This way, I will not have to introduce Sandra to Natsuki before tonight. _

The raven-haired girl was already strolling around the apartment for a bit and had to admit that she was indeed very curious about the home of her best friend. To the outer world it probably looked like a puppy that inspected its new home. _I wonder how __her room__ will look like. Sometimes I have the feeling that I don't know Shizuru at all. I have no idea how she lives._ The apartment was smaller than Natsuki's but it was comfortable. _Alright, a little kitchen and a small living room and two bedrooms... __WAIT__!__T__wo bedrooms? What?_

Shizuru noticed Natsuki's questioned face when she saw the two beds. _I guess__ there's no way around__ it. _"As you can see, I don't live here alone. I have a roommate." Shizuru said, trying to as sound nonchalant as possible.

"Oh... okay." The biker didn't look too happy, which somehow made Shizuru a little happy.

"But it's no problem that you stay here. I talked to them and it's all good." The friendly smile was just a tad out of place and Natsuki didn't have the courage to look behind the smiling façade for now. There would be a lot of time to see what the real deal was.

"Good. I guess I will be sleeping on the couch then." She commented before she threw her bag on the green sofa.

"Actually, I thought you might sleep in the bed and I would sleep on the couch since you are my guest."

"No, it's okay with..." Natsuki was cut off by Shizuru, who already figured that the conversation would lead nowhere.

"I see, I see. This is going to be an issue. We will figure it out later, okay? I'm really sorry but I have to go to class. Please make yourself at home. Sleep for a bit. Maybe we will go out tonight; only if you're in the mood, though. It would be a chance to meet my roommate. But I will introduce her to you later on anyway."

_A girl... I thought so. _Natsuki instantly was caught up on the thought of Shizuru sharing the apartment with another woman. The frowning look of her face, of course, didn't go unnoticed by the Kyoto woman.

"Ara, is Natsuki really okay all by herself? You look a bit lost."

"Mou, Shizuru stop being so worried. I'm old enough. Come on, don't be late." she paused for a moment "I will still be here when you come back."

Shizuru smiled at the last words. It was one of those genuine smiles that Natsuki liked the most.

"See you later. Sleep well." The chestnut-haired girl winked as she grabbed her things.

"Thank you."

After Shizuru left, Natsuki was overwhelmed by a fatigue she hadn't experienced for quite a while. She decided to sleep for a while and made herself comfortable on Shizuru's bed.

_Mhmm... Smells so good._

She fell asleep very quickly.

At nearly the same time across the ocean, the day was already over. It was far past midnight when Mai and Yuuichi got home from another hilarious karaoke night. And against all complaints from the red-head they had taken the supposedly shortcut which wasn't very short at all.

"Tate, why do we always have to go the scary way back to my apartment?" Mai bickered.

"Because, I have to act strong for once, plus since you're never afraid I have to show you how brave I am by walking you through this dark and dangerous park."

"Idiot, can we please go another way next time. I don't like it here at night. It's scary." The fragileness in the voice made Tate smile.

"Alright, alright. But we're almost there and... Oh my god." His eyes became suddenly wide.

"What? What is wrong? Tate! Talk to me! Mai almost screamed while pulling on his sleeve.

"Somebody is lying over there." His mouth was dry by watching the body from afar.

"What? Where?" Mai tried her best to adjust her eyes to the obscurity, but the park was dimly lit and so the darkness concealed most of the scenery.

"Oh shit. We need to see if the person is okay." Her basic instincts kicked in immediately and without further thinking, she ran over.

"Wait, Mai! Are you stupid? What if it's a corpse or even worse, a zombie? We should call the police." The blonde boy shouted after her but Mai was already on her way, when Tate continued philosophizing about all the things that could have happened

"Tate, stop being such a coward and help me." She ordered heavily breathing. "Oi, are you okay?" The words directed at the person on the ground, now. They seemed to be injured and Mai was afraid to turn them around. "Tate, call an ambulance. I think the person is hurt." Finally, closing the last distance, the red-head bend slightly over. "Can you hear me?" She kept on talking as she was afraid to touch the body. After a few minutes without getting any answer she decided to turn the person around. The clothes were mostly ripped off the body that was all muddy. The only thing she could make out for sure was that the person was female. _Something awful must have happened to the poor girl. _When she turned the girl around, she could only gasp in shock. "NAO-SAN! Oh no! Can you hear me? Say something! Please! Get a hold of yourself. Tate! Come here, help me. It's Nao."

"What?" Disbelief plastered all over his face before he grabbed his mobile.

The body in Mai's arms slowly started to move.

"Oi, Nao. Are you awake?"

The usual cocky voice of Nao was barely audible when she opened her mouth. Mai had to bend hear head over Nao's to understand what the girl kept repeating.

"Help... "

* * *

**A/N: **There you have it. The reunion. But it's not over yet. More drama still to come


	13. Roommate

"_**You have to have a darkness...for the dawn to come."**_

******Beta: Akira Sasaki**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Mai HiME but Sunrise does.**

* * *

**Chapter 12 - Roommate  
**

Shizuru could barely keep her thoughts straight at the university, as she was much too eager to go home quickly.

_As I could ever keep my thoughts 'straight'… Anyhow… Time to go home. I can't believe that Natsuki will be there waiting for me. _

"Hey Shizuru, is she already here?" A voice from behind startled her a little at first but as soon as she had recognized the owner, she was at ease.

"Hey Sandra, yes she is."

"Oh great... Then you can have a lot of fun together since I'm banned until tonight from my own apartment. Sorry, I think I need to throw up... Whatever, are you two coming tonight?"

Shizuru knew better than to pay too much attention to the stupid comment because she knew quite well that Sandra was hurt and that she was only acting that way because of her complex towards Natsuki.

"I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do on her first day in Germany. I don't want to overstrain her."

"Oh come on, it's a party." The taller girl tried to sound casual and unaffected but the Shizuru knew better.

"It's not only that and you know that. Maybe she is tired."

"Oh come on that's a lame excuse. If she's such a prude then better don't bring her." The smile bothered the chestnut-hair girl, but she was determined not to pick up a fight.

_At least not by now._ "It's not about being prude. Lesbian parties aren't that common in Japan and I fear she never went to a party like this."

"It's for gays too and friends of course. Just don't tell her it's a lesbian party. Maybe that will work." Not really knowing why Sandra would help her in bringing Natsuki over to the party, Shizuru tried to remain secretive.

"We will see."

"Yes, hopefully. I want to know my opponent at least."

"First, she is not your opponent and second you will get to know her anyway." Making herself sound aloof was one of the easiest tasks for Shizuru. She had years of practice after all.

"Fine, I'll see you two later. Be good." she winked at Shizuru before walking away.

"Always." Shizuru smiled.

_That girl is up to something. Time to go home to Natsuki. __I bet she's starving to death._

When Shizuru entered the apartment, it seemed empty. Beginning to feel afraid that Natsuki had left, she held in for a second, and was rewarded, when she heard deep snoring from the bedroom. She walked towards the door and found a sleeping Natsuki drooling on the bed sheets.

_Sweet as always, my dear Natsuki. You must have been very tired._

As she walked over she tried to be as quiet as possible. She sat on the bed and looked at the sleeping girls' face. _You have no idea how much I missed you. I wish I could tell you... I wish I could be honest with you somehow. But I don't really know how to be honest with myself. I still feel such a deep need inside my heart for you. But I also know it's not right. I need to move on. I need to learn to be happy without you. To be your friend and nothing more. __It might be a good thing to introduce Sandra to you and show you that it's okay for me if you and I just stay as friends. _ She couldn't stop herself from brushing a strand of black hair out of the younger girl's face. _Your skin is still so soft and still so unreachable to me... _

Natsuki felt like something was tickling her and she slowly started to open her eyes. The first thing she saw was a pair of crimson eyes.

"Shizuru, you're here." Still disoriented, Natsuki rubbed the sleep out of her eyes.

"Yes I'm back. But you can sleep a bit longer. I will prepare something to eat."

"No no..." she yawned, "I'm awake."

"No you're not. I'll wake you when dinner is ready."

"I could help you with-"

"Hush." She closed Natsuki's eyes with her fingertips.

Natsuki was not really awake and the need to sleep a bit longer won over her mind.

After another hour Shizuru came back to the bedroom to wake the sleeping beauty once more. Natsuki felt relaxed when she opened her eyes again.

_No nightmares! Man that feels great. I could get used to that!_

"Dinner is ready." Shizuru said, leaning in the door frame.

"I'm coming." She rose from the bed and walked towards the kitchen.

"Wow, it smells delicious."

"I hope it tastes that good too." The older girl said with a grin.

"We will see." Natsuki smiled.

The picture of the two girls sitting on the table in a foreign land after all the complicated drama felt strange but somehow right. They chit-chatted a little about the German university system before Shizuru finally asked about their plans for the rest of the day.

"So, what is Natsuki up to for tonight?"

"I don't know. You tell me. You live here." came the blunt response.

"Well... there is a party."

"Karaoke? Not in a hundred years." Natsuki's face was so refreshingly easy to read, that Shizuru couldn't help but think of the fun times in Japan.

"It's not karaoke. To be honest, it's never karaoke here. I don't think it's very popular in Europe"

"Really? Maybe I should live here too then." The two girls started laughing.

"Maybe. No, it's more like a university party. Some friends of mine will be there, like for instance, my roommate. But we don't have to go if you're too tired." Trying to avoid the Sandra-topic a little longer, Shizuru started to clean the dishes.

"I'm not tired anymore and of course, we will go if your friends are there. That way I can meet some of them."

"Well, if it's okay with Natsuki I would be happy if we go there together."

"Alright, settled!" The biker pumped her fist in a cool manner.

_Time for a little teasing before she starts feeling too cocky. _"Your first day here and I already have a date with Natsuki. I'm so happy." She clapped her hands to make it sound more dramatic, and of course, it had the desired effect.

"Wait? Date? What?" And there it was, the pink color that made Natsuki's face even more beautiful to Shizuru.

_Oh how I missed that, my little Natsuki. _Though it was very tempting, she decided to stop the teasing because she knew very well that Natsuki would be more than shocked about the theme of the party.

"I'm just joking." She proclaimed.

"Alright... then let's get ready for the party."

"Yes, just one more thing... " Unsure of whether telling the truth or not, Shizuru decided it wouldn't be fair to keep the younger girl in the dark.

"Hm?"

"It's a more or less a girl party..."

"Huh? What in the world is a girl party?" The pure mind of Natsuki, never ceased to amaze Shizuru.

"Well... there will be girls... and girls."

"Yes and... no guys? Good, I don't like those idiots anyway." _Pure, indeed… and maybe a little dense at times too._

"There will be boys too… with other boys..." She didn't want to scare the girl with unnecessary terms, but wasn't so sure if Natsuki understood where she was aiming.

"I don't get the problem. It's a party with boys and girls."

"Yes, gays and lesbians," a deep voice with a German accent cut the conversation short.

"Sandra... I thought we would see you only at the party later."

"Yes, I thought so too. But I forgot my wallet."

"Sandra..." Natsuki muttered.

"Yes and you must be the precious Natsuki." Sandra said in a cool and distant voice.

"Hello, I'm Shizuru's roommate. I'll see you two later at the party. I've got to go." And with this, she was gone.

_Roommate... Sandra... Lesbian party. Oh god, this is too much._

"Natsuki, I'm sorry. I should have told you earlier. I mentioned Sandra in a mail before. You remember? It's totally okay with me if you don't want to go a party like that."

_Natsuki keep cool. You're here to tell Shizuru something important. You're not going to hurt her again and scare her even farther away. She likes girls and so do you... Wait no. Never! I like Shizuru. But not girls. No. _"No, it's alright. We can go to that party. I know you want to, plus I'm curious about German university parties too."

"Are you sure? You don't have to do this for me."

"I know." She looked deep into Shizuru's eyes and took her hand. "But I want to."

Shizuru was stunned by the sudden contact and didn't know what to say. She just stared back and relished the moment. _Why are you doing this to me now when I left everything behind? Your nice gestures can be very cruel at times, but I know you don't mean to hurt me. You're just trying to be friendly right? I wish I could have made you love me..._

* * *

**A/N:** Fear the Lesbian Party for next chapter^^


	14. Party

_**"Success is simple. Do what's right, the right way, at the right time."**_

**A/N:** Wow, that took me awhile. At least the chapter is a bit longer. I had to completely devote myself to remembering the evil parties. So here is your lesbian party chapter. Enjoy.

**Beta: Akira Sasaki**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Mai HiME.**

* * *

**Chapter 13 - Party  
**

Natsuki was getting more and more uneasy the nearer they got to the destination. They already saw some women in the bus holding hands and kissing in public.

_It's not that I am prude, but do they really have to be that open about such things? I mean isn't this whole relationship thing about love and being together and not about showing the public how confident I am with my way of life? I'm not sure if it was the right decision to come here. _Shizuru noticed that Natsuki was looking embarrassed and lost in her thoughts and decided that some teasing would ease the atmosphere.

"Is Natsuki making some 'special' plans for tonight?" She said in an alluring voice.

The younger girl wasn't really listening and mumbled something like:

"Yeah, yeah. Sure."

Shizuru brought herself closer and started to whisper.

"Interesting... Will you let me know about them now or do you want to surprise me later in bed when we're all alone?"

The sudden heat that was making its way to Natsuki's brain stopped her train of thoughts in an instant.

"WHAT?" She screamed so loud that everybody around was looking at them.

"Err... I mean... no... We will not be all alone to be begin with... "

"Well, if that's Natsuki's only problem we could arrange something-"

"Ah great, you're here." Sandra's voice was loud and clear in Natsuki's ears. It was probably because Sandra was standing right behind her and was much taller than Fuuka's famous Ice Princess.

Completely ignoring Natsuki, she threw her arms around Shizuru and gave her a seemingly endless embrace.

_I wonder if all Germans are so grabby... Maybe it's just her. She shouldn't be so comfortable with Shizuru and she is completely ignoring me... I don't like her at all._

"Ara, that's a bold way to say hello." Shizuru remarked sharply, but in weird friendly way. "Let's go inside before it gets too crowded." That said, Shizuru turned away from Sandra to walk around the last corner that separated them from the party. Sadly, there was already a queue at the entrance.

Natsuki's eyes got wide when she took in the sight in front of them.

_OMG, I would have never thought that there were so many of them... I mean what is this? They are everywhere. Why would we go to party like that? Why would Shizuru go on a party like that...?_

"We can go home whenever you want, you know... " Shizuru tried to smile, but Natsuki knew quite well that it was one of those fake smiles.

"Why go? We just arrived. Is your friend really feeling so uncomfortable?" Sandra interrupted in an unfriendly voice. "Are you ashamed because of Shizuru's 'tendencies'?"

Natsuki felt challenged and baffled at the same time.

"What do you know about her likings?" The aggressiveness in Natsuki's voice worried Shizuru a little, for she knew Sandra also had a temper.

"Oh more than you I guess... " She paused for a second "At least I am..."

"Stop it! Both of you! I don't like were this is going. I thought this would be fun, but it seems it's better if we go home." She turned around and tried to leave, but Natsuki grabbed her hand to hold her back.

"I'm sorry. Let's stay."

"Yeah, me too." Sandra and Natsuki both looked truly regretful and so Shizuru decided to stay.

After an endless wait that was filled with some university stories of Shizuru they finally got in. What Natsuki saw there though, was more like a dream than reality. Or was it a nightmare?

The place was so crowded that she could barely get an overview of the scenery. In front of her was the bar. That much she could figure out. She saw two girls and a boy putting salt on her palms. _What is that for?_ The three of them counted till three and then they licked off the salt, drank a colorless shot and bit into a piece of lemon. All seemed to happen in the same moment. The boy laughed and kissed one of the girls on her cheeks and whispered something into her ear. They turned around and left into the direction of what seemed to be toilets.

_Oi, isn't it wrong if guys go to the women's... Wait? Uff... Maybe he isn't a he after all... _

While disappearing behind the corner, Natsuki took a closer look to the body of the 'should-be-boy' and noticed that it indeed was a 'woman'.

Shizuru was watching Natsuki with amusement while Sandra started to comment on the scene.

"I don't get it all. Why would you say you're into women when you go out with one, who looks exactly like a guy?"

_That was the first intelligent comment that girl has made._ Natsuki thought to herself.

"All kinds of relationships have to do with love. I guess some women find those types attractive because they feel more secure and more like women." Shizuru stated.

"Okay, but why do those women wanna look like their natural enemy?" Sandra responded almost disinterested.

"I don't think men are their natural enemy. I think some of them always wanted to be more like a man but also like to stay as a woman. So they can have both... at least that's what I think."

"Geez, it's getting too complicated. Let's grab a beer and drink those nasty brains away." Sandra said with a grin and Shizuru started to laugh. Even Natsuki had to smile a bit.

The three of them were sitting at the bar when a girl called out to Sandra.

"Oh, I have to excuse myself. I need to say hello to some of my girls, you know." she winked with a cocky smile on her lips.

The remaining two sat there in silence until Natsuki broke the silence.

"This Sandra is really something, huh?" Her eyes fixated at the bottom, she tried to sound as nonchalant as possible.

"Well, yeah. She is always so self-confident. You'll get used to her. She is a kind person at the bottom of her heart."

"Mhm... I'm relieved then." _If she's the one you'll choose..._

"Ara, why is Natsuki looking so sad now? Wanna dance?" Shizuru poked her lightly to ease up tension.

"What? Dance? No, I can't. But I'll watch." She threw her arms up in defense.

"Alright, then let's hit the dance floor."

They entered the dancing hall and Shizuru searched for some familiar faces and found them in the middle of the floor.

"I'll be back in a few minutes." she said to Natsuki.

"Don't worry. I'm fine by myself. Go and have fun. I'll sit here and drink my beer."

Shizuru gave Natsuki a smile.

_Beautiful..._

The longer Shizuru danced the more irritated Natsuki became. _What kind of dance is that? __The "the-closer-you-get-the-more-fun-we-have-dance" or what? But it's not only Shizuru and their friends. All of them dance so close that the temperature inside here is rising to a desert like stadium. Women are totally scary... __I need more beer._ Natsuki was just about ordering a new beer when Sandra leaned herself over the bar and ordered two tequilas.

"Here. It's my way to say sorry about being harsh today."

Natsuki knew that if she would decline now, she'd be a loser. So she grabbed the tequila and did like the girls she saw earlier. _Gosh, this tastes disgusting and my throat burns like hell. __Don't choke Natsuki, don't choke._

"You're tougher than I thought."

"Same to you."

Because Natsuki desperately yearned for something to clear her throat, she ordered a beer right away. When she entered the hall again, Shizuru was still dancing and having fun. _It's nice to see her smiling like that... _Natsuki looked around and saw many people having that smile. _It must be nice to just be yourself without being judged._ Suddenly someone interrupted her train of thoughts by standing right in front of her. A girl with long brown hair and dark eyes looked at Natsuki and was about to say something.

"Hello." She said in the foreign language. Natsuki was at least able to understand that much.

"Hello."

"Is it your first time here? I have never seen you before." The girl spoke and Natsuki was a bit surprised that she could understand so much. _School is useful for something, yay. _But speaking was another thing.

"I am here visiting a friend."

"Oh, you're Japanese. I see. Well this conversation is going to be complicated but I'm studying English and Japanese. So I guess this will work out somehow."

The next few minutes they talked about nonsense in a wild mixture of languages and gestures. Shizuru was watching the girl ever since she had started to look at Natsuki. _Don't you dare stealing my precious time with Na... Where is that coming from? I need to calm down. She's not mine. She can do whatever she wants._

Sandra saw the disturbed look in Shizuru's eyes and guessed that this was her chance. She got to the dance floor and brought herself close to Shizuru. They had danced like this many times before but she knew that it never had that effect. When the girl asked Natsuki if she could get her another beer, she first wanted to decline but taking a short glance into the direction of Shizuru made her change her mind in an instance. _What on earth is she doing with that Sandra-person? __Is that some kind of ritual lesbian dance? The one who gets closest without being completely naked wins... _

"Oi, let's go grab another beer."

When Natsuki stood up she felt suddenly very dizzy. _Uff, German beer... _She drank the beer in a new record time. The other girl had said her goodbyes because her friends left early and Natsuki decided that she can't go in there without another beer. _Buthj first Iii need to ... toileeet. _She started to walk straight to the toilet at least what she thought was straight. _Haha... walkin straight... t t t Ss the only thing thats straight inhere... haha... _

"Natsuki, you're being stupid. Stop drinking."

"Brain, siss thhhis u?"

"Yes, it's me and I'm telling you to stop drinking."

"And me siss tellen u to ssssshut up."

"Stop being idiotic Natsuki. You had enough."

Natsuki started to wonder why her brain was talking with a Kyoto-ben.

"Oi brain, yougota 'ssssssssss very sstrtrange fyou."

"Come on, were going home."

Natsuki didn't really understand why her brain would like to go home with her and why it would grab her hand. _Brainss... sss so sof hands..._ She smiled.

Shizuru was a tad worried when she saw Natsuki's idiotic smile. _Oh my, she's really thinking I'm her brain._

"Natsuki, would you please be so kind and do it for me."

"Brrraainn no. Not foyu... "

"Natsuki, it's me, Shizuru, and not your brain. Snap out of it already."

"Shzuruu?" Natsuki babbled with a stupid smile.

"Yes. Can we at least go outside to get some fresh air for you?"

"Yeeesshh! Anythinnng fr u." still grinning like an idiot she grabbed Shizuru's arm and waited for her to lead the way. _Okay, note to self: I don't like drunken women, not even if it's Natsuki. __I should have watched her closer... We need to get out of here._

The cool night air cleared Natsuki's head a bit but she was still drunk. She looked at Shizuru and saw that she was facing the door.

"Are u waitin for Sandra?" Natsuki prattled.

"Why would I?" Shizuru bluntly said.

"I m not thaaat stupd, ya know. Whats she to you?"

Shizuru didn't know why but she was slightly angry about Natsuki's questions.

"It's not really your business."

Natsuki's head shot up.

"What? O course ss my business."

"Really? I thought it never was... " Shizuru said in a broken voice almost sobbing. Even after all that beer Natsuki knew when she hurt Shizuru's feelings. She suddenly felt sober enough to speak her mind. Or maybe the alcohol made her think this.

"I'm sssorry. I know I hurt ya feelings. I know you left because of me. But believe me... "

She looked at Shizuru's face... _the crimson eyes... her delicate skin and those lips..._ She slowly brought herself closer. _Oh no, Natsuki is doing something stupid because she's drunk. I have to stop that. She'll regret it tomorrow and probably won't want to stay here any longer._ _How I long for you to kiss me... But it's not right. This is not the right place for a first kiss... Our right place probably only exist in my dreams... _

"Don't... " Shizuru said while turning her face away.

Natsuki was startled to no end.

"So... you're with her after all." Natsuki asked almost inaudibly.

"It's complicated."

"I see... " Natsuki stood up and went back inside.

* * *

**A/N:** Alright. I hope the next chapter is going to be up sooner. If not, please bare with me. I have university and a part time job and many hobbies...lik girls ;-P


	15. Hangover

"_**You never lose by loving. You always lost by holding back."**_

******Beta: Akira Sasaki**

******Disclaimer: I don't own Mai HiME until I'm rich enough to buy Sunrise.**

* * *

**Chapter 14 - Hangover  
**

In the morning Shizuru was sitting light-headedly in front of the window as she wasn't able to catch much sleep last night. Natsuki was tossing and turning in her alcoholic dream world and, to top things off, snoring like an old-bearded man. The thoughts of being so close to Natsuki again brought back a feeling she hadn't felt for a while... _Pain._ Luckily, Sandra didn't come home last night. Shizuru didn't want to hear her stupid "I told you so"-comments right now anyways. _That was my chance to kiss her but I said no... __That's what I wanted anyway, right? To say no to her finally. But it hurts. This can't be right... __Probably there is no right or wrong when it comes to love._ Natsuki's mobile phone stopped Shizuru's train of thoughts abruptly as it went off like a berserker. _Who could this be? Probably Mai... _

A groaning Natsuki tried to find out where the annoying beeping was coming.

"Stupid clock... Shut up... " came the rough voice from the bed.

"Ara, Natsuki. It's not going to stop because you say so. You have to pick up." Shizuru said with her already adjusted mask.

"And why would I pick up a clock?" The girl sounded like she had eaten a chainsaw.

"It's your phone silly"

"Phone... " She yawned_. _"Don't like it."

Natsuki pulled the pillow over her head and the phone eventually stopped ringing.

"Arrgghh. Shizuru make it stop." Natsuki winced and Shizuru couldn't help chuckling.

_Probably her very first hangover. Poor little puppy. _"It's not making a sound anymore."

"I'm sure it does. There's a loud ringing in my head." Her voice was barely a whisper now, probably due to the enormous headache.

"Yes, it's called a hangover. I bet you have serious memory loss." Shizuru faked a little smile and Natsuki knew in an instance what she was referring to. She'll never be drunk enough to not remember being rejected by Shizuru. At first, she hesitated for a bit and then stumbled:

"Right... "

Shizuru wasn't quite sure what to think of it but she wanted to pretend that Natsuki didn't remember so she smiled wider.

"I thought so and I also thought that you would need a strong breakfast. Therefore, I figured we're going out for brunch. You need to be healthy and strong for today because we will go hiking."

"What? Hiking my ass." The black-haired girl grunted under her pillow.

"Ugh, Natsuki... I did not know that you would prefer it... this way... " A mischievous grin followed the silence after the R-rated joke. And so, the ice-queen once more turned into a red-hot-balloon-head.

"Shizuruuuu!"

At the same time across the ocean, the sun was already setting behind the Hospital in Fuuka. Outside of one of the many rooms a busty red-head was talking to a woman in white clothes.

"And she won't talk about anything that happened that night?"

"No, not a bit. Maybe she will eventually open up to a friend. So, if you would like to speak to her Tokiha-san... "

"Umm, I don't think that she is referring to me that way. Actually, she's not really close to anyone. That's why I thought talking to a psychologist would be the best." The young girl remarked full of regret.

"Then we can only hope she'll open up to me someday. But it's hard because she doesn't trust 'such Soul Suckers'. Those were her exact words. But to be honest she isn't looking good. I think she had a really tough time. The only thing she is relying on right now is painkillers." The doctors voice was warm but serious.

"So what is your opinion?"

"Well, we need her to trust somebody. Otherwise it will end up bad for her. She can't sleep without pills and she won't allow herself to cry or even to complain. The only thing she is repeating is: 'I'll never trust another human again.'."

"Natsuki... "

"Have you said something Tokiha-san?"

"What? Me? No, I was just thinking that I might know a person who might be able to help her open up."

"Good, bring her here then." The doctor already flipped her board to look up the data of her next patient, while Mai was already planning the next move.

"That's not so easy. She's on vacation right now."

"If Yuuki-san means something to her, she should end her vacation and come here as soon as possible." And with that the woman made her leave.

"Right, it'll be difficult though... Anyway, I'll call her and ask."

After a long long brunch and another one hour nap, Natsuki was dragging her half-dead body through the underwood of a forest near the city of Bottrop in Germany. _What a great idea to go hiking after this nasty alcohol had almost killed me…_ Her eyes fixated on the girl in front of her that was even in this terrain walking as if she head clouds under her feet.

"If Natsuki keeps moving at snail's pace we won't ever make it to the peak."

_Alright, alright and if Shizuru would stop hammering on my head with her words I would stop being so pissed._

"If you would have been a bit more considerate towards my condition, I would be lying down and relaxing instead of dying on this little hiking trip through the jungle of good old Germany. Where the hell are we anyway?"

When Natsuki looked up after Shizuru didn't get back at her, she saw that the girl standing in front her was lightly sobbing in her hands.

"I'm sorry that Natsuki hates spending time with me. You shouldn't have come, if I'm such a bother to you."

_Oh shit Natsuki, you're such a mean bitch when you have a hangover. You made her cry... And now? What shall I do? Be nice, be kind, and say sorry. __Tell her, you're here because of her and that you enjoy every minute of it. _"Oi, Shizuru... I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm just stupid and lost my brain in a bottle of beer last night. Please stop crying. I'm enjoying every moment with you. It's just that I'm out of shape since I don't have to fight anyone anymore."

Shizuru couldn't help but smile behind her hands. Of course, Natsuki couldn't see that Shizuru was just toying around. "So you're not mad?" Shizuru moved a bit closer.

"No, of course not."

"And you like hiking with me?" and closer.

"Yes... " now moving around her.

"And you're enjoying every moment... " Shizuru was standing right behind Natsuki now and brought her mouth so close to Natsuki's neck that she could feel the echo of her breath against the warm skin. "... with me?"

Natsuki's head suddenly started spinning around. She felt so nervous that she felt sick. She started mumbling senseless syllables.

_Error due to overload, please press Crtl+Alt+Del... Brain will shut off in 3... 2... 1... Brainmelt._

"Umm... tsuu"

Shizuru really had to fight back a fit of laughter. Natsuki was absolutely adorable.

"Alright, beer-princess let's move on. We have to reach the peak before it gets dark."

It took another minute until the black-haired girl was able to snap out of her trance. _Oh god, did that just really happen? Her breath, the warmth... What was that? My heart is still beating like crazy. It feels just like... beer. A lot of beer of course... __Just without feeling sick or tired afterwards._ Natsuki followed Shizuru, at first with her eyes and then with her feet.

After what seemed like eternity they finally reached the peak, and when Natsuki started to look around she suddenly knew it was worth every step.

"Just in time." Shizuru said happily.

"What is this place?" Natsuki asked in amazement.

The peak was formed like a huge platform with a crater in the middle. It reminded her of a volcano or a hole from a meteorite impact. The panorama was incredible. On the left of the area was a strange figure made of steel. Standing so high, looking down on the word felt a bit like being above everything.

"It's called 'Tetraeder'. It is a tetrahedron made from steel and residing on concrete pillars. The entire structure is approximately 50m in height and is situated on an 80m high coal mining tip. It has been the town's landmark since its construction in 1995. That's what Wikipedia is saying at least. But for me, it's the place where I used to go when I want to have some time for myself."

"It's beautiful."

"I always wished for you to see this... with me."

There was a long pause where none of them dared to speak a word before Shizuru continued. "I wanted you to see the sun setting at the other side of the world. I have stood here so many times... thinking of you. Asking myself if you also see the sun setting like this and then I had that picture in my mind. You, standing at the edge of that cliff... "

"It's true... "

"Mh?"

"I was standing at the cliff. Many times. Watching the sun set, thinking of you... "

"I didn't know... "

It was a strange conversation. A battle of words and silence. But they both knew, they had to talk about some things while facing the sun, and sending their spoken words to the wind.

The sun was leaving the sky slowly and the world around them turned into a warm red. It felt magical and no one tried to break the silence of this beautiful moment. They both were happy to be here, to see something like this together. It was not just a sunset. It was like freeing these painful thoughts from their souls.

When the sun had finally set and the darkness laid its veil over the world around them, Shizuru was the one who spoke again.

"That was beautiful, wasn't it?" She was still not looking to the right. She was afraid that she wouldn't be able to control her feelings as much as she needed to, while looking at her one true love.

"Indeed." Natsuki answered.

The city lights started to brighten the place and the huge steel figure behind them begun to shine in a soothing yellow light. Finally, they both looked at each other and smiled.

"Are you thinking of what I'm thinking?" Natsuki said in a playful voice.

"Yes. Let's do it."

They both ran into the direction of the Tetraeder and stopped in front of the first stairway. There was a sign saying: "Enter at your own risk."

"I'm feeling pretty brave today. What about you?" Shizuru said joyfully.

"I am always brave." Natsuki grinned back.

And with this both started to run up the stairs. It was much windier than they had expected and the whole scaffold was shaking.

"Thrilling."

"Oh come on Shizuru, we used to be HiME. You can't call something like this thrilling."

"True, but it's pretty high." The words were almost inaudible due to the wind.

"We're not even at the top yet."

_At least Natsuki seemed to be cured from the nasty hangover by the adrenaline rush. _"Yeah, yeah. I'm coming."

When they reached the last platform they both stopped, breathing heavily and exhausted.

"Wow those were quite a lot of stairs. But it seems it was hard for you too." Shizuru mocked the heavenly breathing girl on her right.

"I told you I'm out of shape."

"Oh come on. You're still a looker."

Blush.

The wind blew strong and the steel-monster was shaking but the sight was worth it. An ocean of lights in the quiet obscurity of night brightened the dark sky around them. They were in the middle of life but still all alone.

Alright Natsuki. You have to face it. Sooner or later. You need to tell her. How much you miss her. How much you hurt without her.

"Na-"

"Shi-" Both of them started and stopped to speak at same moment.

"You first." Natsuki said.

"No, it's okay. You go ahead."

"Alright... Actually I don't really know what to say... " Again silence took a place that should be occupied by words.. "Uff, I had figured it out it my head for a while, but now... I can't seem to find the words."

"You can tell me anything you know... " Shizuru's voice was sad, so sad that Natsuki couldn't look away any longer. When she raised her head to look at the older girls face, she saw that Shizuru was looking away from her, and the girl was shaking. Natsuki wasn't quite sure if it was the shaking of the scaffold or if she was freezing. Either way, she couldn't fight the sudden urge to embrace Shizuru. Although she knew that Shizuru had rejected her last night, she wanted nothing more than to have her arms around the slender body of the Kyoto-beauty. And without giving a second thought she brought her arms around the waist of the chestnut-haired girl.

"Anything... you say... " Natsuki whispered in Shizuru's ear.

Shizuru was so shocked that she stopped shaking right away. She stopped everything... thinking, breathing, blinking, anything that a normal human being would do. She felt like a statue.

"Then let me tell you this... Let me tell you all the things, I long for you to know... " her lips still whispering against Shizuru's ear. She made a short pause because she was worried since Shizuru didn't seem to breathe anymore. But she knew she had to say it now or never.

"I miss you Shizuru. I miss having you around. I thought I could make it and I thought I could ignore the fact that you're gone. I thought I was stronger than that. I thought I didn't need anyone in my life. Until I met you... Until you showed me what it means to care for somebody. I didn't want to trust anyone anymore but you made me feel loved and that's why you made me afraid. Afraid of the thing I wanted the most... afraid of you. When you left I realized that things like happiness and contentment were bound to your presence. And I know that I was stupid to let you go. I am here to tell you this. I am here because you deserve to know all of this." Natsuki felt that Shizuru was crying. She could feel the older girl break down under her words and she was so sorry, so sorry that she always had to be the one that hurt her so much. She could feel hot tears running down Shizuru's face. She could feel them on her lips and the salty taste let her completely lose her mind. She started to gently kiss away the tears from the older girl's cheek. Her lips were making their way along the cheekbone to the corner of Shizuru's mouth. She could hear her heart hammering in her chest. She felt like fainting but it felt right. She could feel Shizuru moving. Her head was about to face Natsuki. They both looked at each other, Shizuru still cradled in Natsuki's arms. The sight of Shizuru being so fragile made Natsuki want her even more and so she brought her head closer and closed her eyes. And so did Shizuru. They could feel their breath on each other lips and just before they finally met Natsuki's phone started ringing again and made them jump in panic.

They were both shocked by the sudden sound that they just stared at each other. Shizuru was the first to compose herself. She dried her tears and said:

"You better pick up. It seems to be important since you missed the call this morning."

Natsuki was still so in shock that she couldn't really understand what had just happened.

_So close... _

"Natsuki, would you please pick up the phone?" Shizuru sounded cold and annoyed. So, Natsuki decided to better get the call.

"Hello?" Natsuki's voice was completely baffled.

"Natsuki! Finally, I'm so glad to reach you... "

"Mai, what the fuck? You have no idea what you just-" The raven-haired girl was about to shout the brains out of her friend, but she was interrupted by the serious tone on the other end of the line.

"Natsuki listen. Something happened... You need to come home. Now. I wouldn't have called if it wasn't important."

"What? What could be so important?"

"It's Nao... Something really terrible has happened to her. I can't tell you on the phone. But we're really worried and I remembered that you two lately seemed very close. I know you're with Fujino-san right now. But if Nao means anything to you, you should come here as soon as possible."

"Nao... " the moment Natsuki said the name all her thoughts seemed to come down in a waterfall of guilt.

_Shit! Nao! I've completely forgotten about her. Something terrible has happened. What could it be? Oh no, our appointment. I wanted to take her for I ride. I left without even saying goodbye. I'm such an asshole. Shit. Shit. Got to go there._

"Alright Mai, I'll catch the next flight. I'll be there as soon as possible."

After Natsuki hung up she turned around searching for Shizuru. She found the older girl standing at the railing looking at the night sky.

"Shizuru, I... "

"I guess Natsuki has to leave sooner than expected." Shizuru stated distanced but still with a faked smile. Natsuki hated this smile, but she felt so helpless right now that she just had to bear it.

"I don't want to but something seems terribly wrong. I made a stupid mistake."

"I figure it has something to do with Yuuki-san. We better go back and take you to the airport then." Shizuru's voice was so cold and her eyes were empty.

"Look, Shizuru... I'm sor... ." Shizuru cut Natsuki off.

"Let's go."

They walked in silence and when they came to the apartment Sandra was already awaiting them.

"Oh there you are. I was about to call the police, when..." she stopped talking as soon as she saw the devastated face of Shizuru.

"What happened?" The German girl asked coyly.

"Nothing, Natsuki has to leave. We've got to go to the airport." Shizuru went straight into her room without bothering to explain any further.

"She won't catch a flight this late anymore. She'll have to wait until tomorrow." Sandra shouted after her.

"It's fine. I'll wait at the airport then." Natsuki said.

"The fuck you will. What did you do to her?" Sandra shouted.

Natsuki just looked at Shizuru's closed door.

"I'm talking to you!" The German girl was enraged and annoyed at the same time.

"What? I didn't do anything." Natsuki responded absent-mindedly.

"Oh right, I could see that. You better catch the first flight you can get and leave us alone."

"Us?" Finally, the words got her attention. Her emerald eyes fixated the taller girl vigilant.

"So Shizuru hasn't told you?"

"Told me what?" She wasn't sure if she should even listen to the crap, but she had no choice anyways.

"I am with her, you understand? We're together and things were going quite well before you came here and destroyed her again after I had a hard time making her feel comfortable. You already had destroyed her before she came here. So, who do you think you are? Just coming here and ruining our life!"

The words hit Natsuki like a train and tears began to force their way to her eyes. She grabbed her bag and left without even saying goodbye.

* * *

**A/N:** I know, it took me forever to update and to finish this chapter. But I am really really busy. I am looking forward to Christmas though. Not because of Christmas but because I'll have some days off to hopefully write some good stuff. So don't be mad and read and review as always =)


	16. Solace

"_**The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else."**_

******Beta: Akira Sasaki**

******Disclaimer: Mai HiME is property of Sunrise****. **

* * *

**Chapter 15 - Solace  
**

Knock, knock.

"Shizuru, can I come in?" There was no sound at all. "It's me Sandra."

"Shizuru, please... " In futile hopes, Sandra tried to open the door and to her amazement it wasn't locked.

"I'm coming in." she said in a low voice while entering.

The room was dark and so she wasn't able to find Shizuru at first glance, but after her eyes got used to the darkness she saw a shadow sitting on the bed. As she walked closer she could see Shizuru focusing the window. The silence was so loud that she was afraid to breathe. Sandra had seen Shizuru in pain before. She knew that she had suffered the first weeks when she came to live in Germany. Well, she didn't know from the beginning, but with time she figured that the ever smiling girl was far more fragile than anticipated. Right now, the whole situation felt like a dream that she knew very well…

When she had first met her new roommate, she was bored by the utter perfectness of the Japanese girl. Beautiful, well educated, rich, and always in a good mood. That was how the elegant girl appeared to the outer world. Shizuru was always polite and had that disarming smile. It seemed that nothing could kill her mood... until that one time when Sandra noticed a quiet sobbing coming from the other girl's room in the middle of the night. It was not like she was prying or something. She had a terrible nightmare about cockroaches in the bathroom and how they crawl up the walls in the darkness while sitting on the toilet… She wasn't able to fall asleep again afterwards and of course she had to pee. She was afraid of going to the bathroom though, thanks to those nasty cockroaches. But oh the aching...

When her bladder was about to explode, she finally left comfort of her sheets. She tried to be as quiet as she could for not waking up her new roommate and that was when she heard the sobbing sounds for the first time. She did her best in ignoring the fact that the always happy girl was crying herself to sleep but there were other nights. Therefore, she started to take a closer look at the Kyoto-beauty. Her moves, her words and foremost her smiles couldn't convince her anymore. She noticed the sadness in those crimson eyes and she found herself deeply in love with them after a while of silent observation. She knew she had to get close to her somehow and she was determined to bring out a true smile from those beautiful lips. One night, Sandra felt finally brave enough to knock at the door. The sobbing stopped right away but there was no answer. Hence, she plucked up the courage and entered the dark room. Her mouth was dry but she tried to speak to the foreign girl nonetheless.

"I'm sorry for intruding. I just thought you might need someone to talk to... "

She suddenly felt completely stupid because of the missing respond. She was standing in the middle of the room like an idiot. Not to mentioned that it was super late and they both had class the next day. Sandra was about to leave when Shizuru whispered something she couldn't catch because it was barely audible.

"I beg your pardon... " Sandra tried to be as polite as possible.

"Nothing... it was nothing..."

That was probably the most embarrassing situation ever. None of them was comfortable with the silence and it was getting more awkward with every second.

Suddenly Shizuru rose up sounding like a completely different person or better said like her usual self.

"What's the problem Sandra? Weren't you able to sleep?"

Sandra just stood there, jaw dropped and hands clenched to fists. She started stuttering some senseless words, but the moment she looked into Shizuru's eyes and saw the fakeness of the whole situation, she felt that there was still some bravery left in her and she decided to give it one more try. She locked her gaze with Shizuru's determined not to look away and started speaking.

"You can't lie to me Shizuru. Not anymore. I can see through you. Finally. I've heard your crying for many nights and I'm sick of getting fooled by your fake smiles. I know something is wrong and I am here to..."

In this moment Sandra lost trail of her own thoughts. Why was she there anyway? What was she supposed to do? What could she possibly say?

"For what?" Shizuru's words were sharp and cold.

"I don't know. I'm just... here. I guess."

Shizuru was the one to look away first.

"Well, thank you then. That's good to know."

And that was it. Shizuru crawled back into her bed and Sandra felt too stupid to stand there any longer.

The next days were rather odd. Shizuru acted very reserved towards her and tried to avoid her as best as she could. She never heard a noise in the middle of the night again. With every day it became more unbearable and Sandra knew that she had to talk turkey one way or another. She softly knocked on the door and asked Shizuru for permission to enter.

"I'm busy right now. I have to do stuff for university."

Sandra knew that she was about to lose everything but what other choice did she have but to enter the room anyway. To her surprise the light was off and Shizuru wasn't studying or anything. She was sitting on her bed all alone in the darkness.

"Now, now. That's very harsh of you. I don't think it is right to enter the room of somebody who doesn't want you to... "

"Yeah, yeah... I am German. We are said to be unfriendly and impolite. So please, no complaints about that. I am here because I have to talk to you about some things."

"And what things could that possibly be?"

Sandra walked over to the bed and set down next to Shizuru, who seemed fairly irritated about the sudden action.

"Listen, I know that you've been avoiding me lately and I... "

"I don't know what you mean Sandra-san. Why would I avoid you?" Shizuru underlined the friendly spoken words with one of her smiles.

"Please." she took a deep breath "For once just hear me out." Sandra gave her a serious look and made clear that she would say what she had to say. Shizuru sensed the tension and decided to remain silent for a bit.

Sandra took a look outside the window and started to speak.

"It's beautiful. Isn't it?"

"I don't know what you mean." The chestnut-haired girl felt utterly disturbed in her privacy, and let the other girl know this quiet clearly through her voice. But Sandra didn't let herself get affected by it.

"The moon."

Shizuru didn't know what to say. Of course, the moon was beautiful. But like so many other things, it was a reminder of what she had left behind. The red star, which was her connection to Natsuki for so long, was gone. Just like her powers. Just like Natsuki. But the damage remains and so does the moon. It is there. In the darkness of the night, it's shining to remind her of what she did, to remind her of what she'd lost.

"Yeah. I guess." Sadly, the indifference in Shizuru's voice didn't make the unwelcomed guest go away as intended.

"Why do you keep lying to me? Even now, I can tell that you didn't mean what you said."

Shizuru was surprised that Sandra was able to sense that much, but she wasn't sure if it was due to the absence of her façade or if the girl really kept such a close eye on her.

"I didn't know what to respond and so I just said you're right. Most people do that from time to time when they don't know what to say."

"I know. But most people do find the moon beautiful and most people are not crying themselves to sleep at night."

Shizuru knew that it would come down to this conversation sooner or later and she hated it.

"I don't know what you mean." She said calm and composed, not willing to give up the masquerade by now.

"I think you're lying, just like you're faking your smiles, just like your pretending you're happy."

"So you're saying I am a liar. How dare you? You don't even know me."

"I'm not insulting you or anything. In fact, I wanna help you." Sandra became more and more desperate for Shizuru's harsh words had quite an impact on her.

"Well, thank you then. I don't need your help nor do I want it."

And that was it. Sandra had a really hard time holding her tears back, but Shizuru's words cut like knives. She felt the warm trails on her cheeks and without a second thought she embraced Shizuru.

"Why don't you understand that I'm not trying to push away but to get close to you? I can't eat, I can't think and right now it feels as if I can't even breathe when I'm around you. Every day I see the sadness in your eyes and I have heard your silent crying for so long. I might not know what had happened to you in the past, but right now I am here. I am here because I want you to open up to me; to share some of your pain. I want to see your true smile. I want to know who you really are. I just want you to be happy or if that's not possible, I want you to stop suffering so much."

Sandra could feel Shizuru's body shaking. Not because she was trying to break free but because she was fighting her tears back. She finally had the feeling that her words reached the Japanese-girl. She didn't want to force Shizuru to talk about the reasons of her sadness. She was just happy that she was allowed to embrace the beauty in a moment of weakness. She was holding her tight until they both fell asleep.

The next days, Shizuru slowly began to open up to the German girl. Sandra could feel that Shizuru was getting more comfortable in being serious around her. She wasn't the always-happy, smiling girl but to her surprise she liked the new side of Shizuru a lot more than the perfect and unfailing one. It became a routine that they would sit on the bed in Shizuru's room at night and with every day Sandra was able to get more information out of the crimson-eyed beauty. First, Shizuru tried to make it sound like she was homesick, but Sandra was clever enough to know that there had to be a certain reason why she was suffering that much. Shizuru had no choice but telling her at least some of the facts.

"Oh come on, I know that you're not only homesick. There is something in particular that makes you sad. You know already that you can trust me and talk to me about anything."

Shizuru made a long pause because she didn't really know where to begin. She knew for sure that she would not mention anything about her powers or the carnival, but she knew she couldn't get around telling something about Natsuki.

"There was this one person."

"I knew it had something to with love. It's always love when people go crazy." Sandra clapped her hands.

"You have no idea how crazy... " Shizuru mumbled to herself.

"I'm sorry?"

"Forget it. I wasn't important." Shaking off the thoughts of nightmares, Shizuru tried to force a smile.

"So, what's the name of the guy and what happened that tortured you so much?"

"It's a woman."

Sandra's eyes shot up in surprise.

"Her name is Natsuki."

"Well... that would explain why you're hurting so much. I tell you women are like devils. No man can do what they're able to. If you ask me, they're all evil. Me included."

Sandra tried to make a devious face but ended up looking like an idiot. Shizuru couldn't help but smile. She felt that she was warming up when Sandra was around. Until that moment she hadn't even realized how good it felt that someone was listening. That someone cared.

"Okay, what did that woman do to you?" Sandra went on.

"Nothing."

"Oh, okay. I understand. This is probably one of the hardest things. Unrequited love is certainly the most painful feeling in the world." The taller girl stated matter of factly.

"So, you're talking from your own experience?"

Sandra's cheeks suddenly felt hot and she couldn't help but look away.

"I guess so... "

"Oh come on, you always ask me out and when I have one little question, you're ignoring me. Meanie."

Sandra was so baffled that she didn't know what to respond. She couldn't tell Shizuru about her feelings. Not now, when she just found out that Shizuru is in love with this Natsuki-person. When she looked up again she found Shizuru's head in front of her face.

"Come on Sandra. Do tell." She could feel the warm breath on her face and the scent drove her nuts. She really had no idea what she was doing there. The words just slipped out and everything felt to move automatically.

"I think I've fallen for you." And then she kissed her. Just like that. This must sound idiotic after hearing that Shizuru is already in love with somebody else, but in that moment it felt completely right. The second her lips locked with Shizuru's she prepared for being pushed away or even worse, but after tasting the sweetness of the other girls mouth she decided that it was worth it. Sandra was really tense as she prepared herself for some harsh words or punches, but nothing like that happened. Shizuru didn't push her away. She didn't respond either, but that was more than Sandra could have possibly hoped for. Nonetheless, she decided to break the kiss. She was not yet there where she wanted to be, but she finally found some hope.

"I'm... I'm sorry... I didn't mean to... push you or something... I know that was not right, but I couldn't stop myself."

Shizuru was still sitting there without making a move like she was in trance or something.

"Listen, I won't do it again... " She paused. "What I said was true though."

Shizuru slowly snapped out of her world and tried to say something.

"I... have no idea how to respond to this."

"That, I already felt." Sandra hated herself for that stupid comment but Shizuru didn't seem mad.

"I mean that was sudden. I never expected you to... "

"Yes, I'm into girls too. I mean, I always was. That doesn't mean I'm hitting on every girl I meet. Haha... I mean it's different with you. You're special. You know..." She couldn't stop babbling in the hope that the embarrassing situation would disappear.

"I'm sorry. I... my heart is already taken."

"I know. I know... You just told me... " She inhaled. "Right before I kissed you." After she said it out loud she fully recognized what an idiot she was.

"I really like being around you and everything but... "

"Yes, I know. Don't say it."

Shizuru suddenly felt horrible. It must be exactly the way Natsuki had felt and she realized that it wasn't a pleasant feeling either. She remembered that she would have just wanted a chance. Nothing more than that. Just a chance to prove that it can be different. That love can evolve with time and now she's acting exactly like Natsuki did. But to think that Sandra would suffer the same pain she had suffered for so long made her feel even more horrible. What did she have to lose anyway? She already had lost the most important thing to her and she's still alive. At least somehow. So, why shouldn't she give it a try even if it's only for the sake of Sandra? It doesn't matter. She could never have Natsuki. There is no point in making Sandra pay for her faults.

"Alright... Let's give it a try."

"Yes. I know and I'm sorry to... " ... "Pardon?"

"I cannot promise that it'll work and I don't know if I can ever love you, but I would like to give it try. I like being around you. The aching is much more bearable when you're around." Shizuru whispered, making herself vulnerable for the first time.

"Now, I have no idea what to respond to this."

There was really nothing more to say. Shizuru didn't break the next kiss either and with every minute she seemed to relax a bit more.

With time Sandra found herself more and more in love but she was afraid of asking Shizuru about her feelings anymore. They talked a lot about Japan and also about Natsuki, but she never asked if Shizuru's feelings for her had changed. Every time they tried to mention the topic it ended up in a disaster. So she mostly avoided it.

They lived together, ate together, slept together. Just like friends... with benefits of course. Everything was just fine until a few days ago where Shizuru told her that Natsuki is coming over for a visit.

Natsuki was running and so were her tears. She couldn't believe what had just happened.

_Of course Shizuru would have moved on. How could I believe that Shizuru would leave without moving on? I'm such an idiot. She already rejected me the other evening. Sandra... of course it was because of her. They even live together. I am so stupid and now I lost everything. I was stupid enough to forget about Nao and now something terrible has happened because of me. It's all my fault._

_Sandra... I can't believe she would hook up with such a person... I can't believe she would love such... Damn it. Why did I have to come? Why has she invited me? To tell me all of this? To show me that she can do great without me? I shouldn't have left Nao like that. And now I lost everything. That's what you get for making the rules. That's what pride and doubt can do to love. That's what love can do to people. It destroys them. I guess that's why they say love is stronger than everything because it's the cause for pain and hate and anger. It's sadness. It's everything beautiful until it turns its back on you._ _Love... Mikoto said love is good. Actually I think I heard it from many people... I think I even remember Shizuru saying this for once... What a liar... _

Natsuki ran as long as her feet kept moving but she soon got tired. She stopped a cab.

"To the airport, please."

* * *

**A/N:** Yes, I know all of you hate me now. But I had to make a bit of character development. I got so many reviews stating how much everyone hates Sandra but to be honest, I would do that for Shizuru too ;-) So, go on and free your hate in a review^^At least I updated sooner.


	17. Little talks

_**"Time will make you forget me but time will make me love you more than before."**_

******Beta: Akira Sasaki**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Mai HiME.**

* * *

**Chapter 16 - Little talks  
**

Natsuki had tried to sleep but her brain didn't stop working. She was too tired to think but too stressed to sleep. Straying around the airport, she was waiting for a flight. Her thoughts were wrapped in a silent debate about going back to the apartment and screaming at both of them or just trying to cope with the facts. _But it wouldn't change anything would it? I can't say for sure that Sandra doesn't make her happy. What I can certainly say is that I didn't. And that's my answer I guess. I still haven't said what I longed for though... and now it's too late. __Going back now would probably make everything worse... plus I couldn't bear the sight of Shizuru and that Sandra anyway._ She thought of calling Mai but truth be spoken, she didn't feel like talking to somebody right now. Disappearing felt like a good alternative. She should just catch a flight to Hawaii or Alaska yet she felt responsible for Nao. After all, she had left her without a word after inviting her. When she saw her flight displayed at the departure board she decided to grab a cup of coffee for breakfast before getting on the plane.

The flight seemed endless but when she finally arrived, she wished that it would have taken longer. She felt completely unprepared for she didn't know what she had to expect. Looking out of the huge airport windows and watching the planes taking off in any direction, she suddenly thought of Shizuru. About her last words, about the coldness in her voice and about the miles that lay between them now once more.

"Natsuki, over here."

Natsuki was so shocked hearing her own name that she nearly tripped by putting on her huge backpack. She couldn't see Mai, but she knew the voice good enough to identify her. There were a lot of people waiting and she had a hard time spotting the red-head in the mass of them. Thankfully, Tate and Mai were standing near the exit waving at her.

"Welcome home, Kuga-san." Tate said politely.

"Natsuki, I'm glad you made it that fast." Mai's voice was serious and it worried the raven-haired girl deeply.

"Yeah, well. You said it was urgent." Natsuki cursed herself for being so obviously unhappy.

"Is everything alright? I mean, I'm sorry for interrupting your time with Shizuru-san. I wouldn't have called if it wasn't an emergency.

"The trip was over anyway. So where is Nao?" Natsuki's voice was not nearly as cold as she wanted it to be and Mai could easily sense that something had gone terribly wrong. But she knew that if she would ask, she wouldn't get an answer. So she decided to let it go for now.

"She's in the hospital. We'll give you a ride. The doctor will tell you the details."

"Doctor? What is wrong with her? Is she sick?" Natsuki was completely tired and emotionally distressed. Hearing this news added the feeling of worry to the colorful mixture and made her feel even more horrible.

The silence during the drive felt odd, but nobody had the guts to say anything at all. They were all just sitting there listening to the radio.

"There we are." Tate said when he stopped the car. Mai turned around and said her goodbye with a somewhat reassuring smile.

"We'll talk to you later, alright?"

"Sure..." Natsuki felt weak enough to stay at the hospital as a patient herself by now.

"Just say your name at the reception. They'll know who you are." Tate said before Natsuki left the car with a sigh.

The biker felt her heart drop to her feet. It seems that losing her powers and made her lose her guts too. _What a coward I've become... _

She hated hospitals. The sterile rooms, the scent, the atmosphere, everything that it resembled for her were illness and death. To face Nao in such a place felt like a punishment and maybe it was. A nurse let her sit in one of those colorless rooms and told her that the doctor will be there in a few minutes. She nervously looked around when she heard the door behind her back opening. A middle-aged woman sat down in front of her and looked her in the eyes.

"Hello, my name is Dr. Tenshii and I am Yuuki-sans psychologist."

"Her what?" Natsuki's jaw dropped when she heard the words. As long as she can remember she hated those so called psychologists. She had to go to one of them after her mother died and they were just talking shit. She soon learned not to talk about her feelings with strangers and avoided the contact with them strictly and now she was sitting in a small room with one of those 'doctors', unable to flee.

"I was told that you and Yuuki-san are close. That's why you're here."

"Mai... that big mouth... Why would she tell this to someone like you." Natsuki was mumbling to herself like a crazy old hag.

"I beg your pardon?"

"What? Oh nothing. It was nothing." _Careful Natsuki. Careful or they will lock you up in a nuthouse or something. Hey, wait. Maybe that wouldn't be a bad idea. I could sit there and jump against walls the whole day... Okay snap. I'm here because of Nao. Get a hold of yourself Natsuki. You can do this. You can easily fool this soul sucker._

"I believe your friends told you about Yuuki-san's condition."

"No, they haven't. At least not exactly. They just told me it's an emergency."

"I guess you can say that. I should start at the beginning then." Dr. Tenshii made a long pause as if she didn't know where to begin. "Last week we got a call from the police that a girl was found in the park. Tate-san and Tokiha-san told me they found her with her clothes ripped off. She was unconscious and seemed to be hurt. They called the police and the ambulance. The doctors came to the conclusion that she might have been raped. They couldn't say for sure because when Yuuki-san woke up she didn't want an examination. She has fractures in her left collarbone and a lot of bruises and scratches. She tried to escape from the hospital a few times and refused to talk to anyone, including the police, your friends and me. One night, we found her in the bathroom with her sheets and we cannot say for sure if she was trying to kill herself or something. But it seems that she has suffered a massive trauma and it doesn't seem like she'll open up to me or anyone else in this hospital any time soon. I already asked Tokiha-san to talk to her, but she told me that you are the only one who is close to Yuuki-san. I think it's serious and I think that she needs somebody to talk to. I'm not a fan of pills. Sure, I could give her medicine. But there are no pills that can really cure traumas. She needs to talk about what happened and maybe you can even get her to make a report."

Natsuki felt like falling of a high cliff while Dr. Tenshii was talking without a break. All of this sounded so unreal to her. How could that happen to someone like Nao. She was tough and strong. She couldn't believe what she had just heard.

"Kuga-san, I would really appreciate it if you would at least give it a try."

_What did she do in the park all alone at night... ?_

"Kuga-san, are you listening?"

"Hm? Sorry, yes I was listening. I don't know if I'm the right person to..."

"I don't know either. I'm just asking to give it a try."

"Okay, I'll try... " _I have to... _

"Thank you. I'll take you to her room then."

Night was slowly taking over at the apartment-complex near the University of Cologne. The building looked serene from the outside, but at least in one of the rooms inside, terror was raging.

"She's gone."

"For god's sake, I want to be alone, Sandra." Shizuru said in a cold and broken voice.

"Shizuru, please. Let me be there for you. I know how much you've suffered because of this selfish bitch."

"You have no right to insult her. So watch your tongue!" Shizuru shot a deadly glance at Sandra, who was obviously shocked about the choice of words of the usual polite girl.

"I'm sorry... I just can't stand seeing you hurt." She explained reasonably.

"Would you please just leave me alone now?"

"I can't just sit outside and watch your door while I know you're in here suffering all by yourself."

Shizuru said nothing. She was sitting there unmoving like a statue. "She's gone and you can't do anything anymore. You have to face the fact that she's not good for you."

"I'm not good for you either. Can you face that fact so easily?" Shizuru backfired and Sandra felt completely off-guard. She had a hard time to prevent her tears from coming forth. She hated Natsuki with all her heart right now and she didn't regret her words for a second. She was the reason why she couldn't be happy with Shizuru. She was the reason why Shizuru is falling back into a hole again after she had done everything to pull her out of it and to make her smile again. This cannot be the end. She will not give up so easily like that Natsuki-person.

"Okay, I know you're talking like that because you're in pain. But I'm not responsible for that you know. Do you really think it was easy for me to see you with that girl every day after I was good enough for you to be fool around with for months?" The words seemed to somehow reach Shizuru as her eyes got wider for second.

"I told you from the beginning that I am in love with her and I was always honest about my intentions. So don't blame me for your feelings!" Her crimson eyes were piercing the German-girl and made it impossible to take a stand.

"Fuck you!" Sandra smashed the door and went straight into her room.

The silence of the night was only broken by the crying of two girls lying in different rooms. The floor between them seemed insuperable and none of them would get over their pride; at least not tonight.

When Shizuru woke up the next morning, Sandra had already left for university. She knew that she had been lashing out on her and she knew it was her turn to apologize. But she felt completely listless. She felt like doing this for Sandra's sake and not for herself. But what other option did she have? Ignoring her roommate forever? Besides that, Sandra did mean something to her and she didn't want her to suffer because of her difficult relationship with Natsuki.

_I guess this time it's my turn to knock at her door in the middle of the night and say sorry... _And so she did the next night. It took quite awhile before Sandra came to open the door.

"What do you want?" Sandra was standing in the doorframe, barely dressed.

"I wanted to talk to you." Shizuru was a bit irritated but tried to hold composure.

"Who is this?" A female voice coming from the direction of the bed asked.

"Only my roommate." Sandra turned her back at Shizuru as if she was noisy or something.

"What does she want and why are you answering the door anyway? Hurry and come back here. It's getting cold without you."

"I'll be there in a minute."

Shizuru felt like being the main character of a very bad movie.

"As you can see I am... busy." Sandra was facing Shizuru once more.

"Yes... I can see. My fault then. Have fun." And with that Shizuru turned away and Sandra smashed the door.

Unable to sleep because of the noise coming from the other room she was tossing and turning till dawn.

_How dare her treating me like an idiot? Just one little misunderstanding and she got herself someone to replace me. Well, I don't care anyway. This way she can be happy without me. _But to her own amazement Shizuru felt that she wasn't completely honest with herself. In fact, it did bother her a lot. She just couldn't figure out whether it was out of pride or something else.

The next morning Shizuru was the one who had left early. Of course they couldn't avoid each other for too long but at least she could be at the university without seeing her. When she came home though, Sandra was sitting in the living room reading a book. Whilst the Kyoto-beauty entered the apartment, she dropped her book as if she had been waiting for her, but Shizuru decided to ignore it and went straight to her room. Before she was able to close the door Sandra grabbed her wrist.

"Wait."

"Let go of me." The chestnut-haired girl struggled to break free, but the taller German had a fairly hard grip.

"I need to talk to you." She loosened the chain in form of her hand just a little, still afraid that Shizuru would slip away.

"Last night it didn't seem like you have something to talk about."

_And why would I say something like this to her?_

"I know. I'm awful. I'm sorry for being such a bitch. I was hurt and I thought if I could make you jealous you would... I honestly don't know why I did this. I'm sorry."

"Jealous? Oh come on. I wasn't."

"You were." A small smirk was visible on her face. Shizuru tried to break free once again but Sandra wasn't giving in so easily.

"No. I was not and now let go of me."

"No... I won't. Ever. I love you." Sandra pressed the Kyoto-girl against the door and kissed her passionately and Shizuru soon gave up fighting her back.

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**A/N: **As promised another chapter. Merry Christmas and thanks to everyone for the reviews.


	18. Plain

_**"The difference between friendship and love is how much you can hurt each other."**_

******Beta: Akira Sasaki**

**Disclaimer:** **Sunrise owns it all. Well not this story but Mai HiME.**

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**Chapter 17 - Plain  
**

White. There was nothing more to see than that. The door, the room, the sheets... Everything her eyes could catch had that plain and sterile color. The perfectness of it seemed so fail in a place and moment like this.

"Yuuki-san. Someone's here for you." Dr. Tenshii said in a calm voice.

Nao was lying in a bed, facing away from the door towards the window. Her hair was the only color that broke the accurate theme.

"I told you. I don't wanna see anyone." was the slow response from the other side of the room.

Dr. Tenshii gave Natsuki an encouraging look. The raven-haired girl knew that it was her turn to speak now, but she was still in shock. The sight of Nao in this atmosphere seemed so completely wrong. Weakness just wasn't something she could deal with. But she knew she had to say something.

"It's me..."

And then there was nothing but sheer silence. With every second the ringing in Natsuki's ears was replaced by muted sounds. She felt like becoming deaf. All the noises seemed to have left the room in an instant.

Dr. Tenshii sensed the uncomfortable feelings erupting from the biker and placed a hand on her shoulder. Natsuki shivered under the contact and her knees became weak. Dr. Tenshii made a face that said: 'Give her a second.' But Nao still didn't respond or even move for, at least not visible to the two persons standing in the doorframe.

Though, when she had heard Natsuki's husky familiar voice, her eyes had shot open in surprise. It wasn't anger or pain. It was simply surprise and then, her vision became dull again.

"I don't wanna see anyone. Leave." She said with an apathetic voice.

The words really got to Natsuki and she felt completely helpless. Dr. Tenshii was kind enough to end to the painful situation by pushing Natsuki out of the door.

Outside of the room Natsuki felt like fainting. She was completely exhausted and all the pain seemed to crash down at once. The terror in her eyes could be clearly seen and the doctor advised her to get some rest and to maybe come back tomorrow and try again.

"You see, it might have been a shock for her. Maybe she'll talk to you eventually if you keep on trying. But of course, it's your choice."

Without saying another word Natsuki left the hospital and started to walk. Naturally, she went into the direction of her apartment, although it would take more than an hour without her bike. But she didn't care. Her head was empty and her body just worked. Her feet were moving without even realizing what they were doing.

The thought of Nao in such a fragile condition tortured her the whole night. Mai had called her and asked if she should come over, but Natsuki declined. She was too tired. Her brain wasn't able to work right and so the only thing that was left in the cold darkness was the image of the sterile room with the misplaced young girl.

The next morning Mai stood in front of Natsuki's apartment banging her way into the flat. She insisted on making a suitable breakfast and was determined to get some answers.

"Have you talked to Nao for a bit?"

Natsuki was sitting on the kitchen table like a zombie.

"Natsuki..." Mai decided that some coffee would help the raven-haired one to get on track.

"Here you go."

The smell of the warm drink shook Natsuki out of her listless mood and she even looked at Mai for second.

"She didn't want to see me." The biker mumbled.

"So, it's that bad?" Mai raised her eyebrow.

"Yes, I am that bad." Natsuki whispered to herself but Mai was able to catch most of it.

"Huh, what do you mean? It's not your fault."

"You have no idea." Natsuki stated absent-mindedly. Mai's worries gaze deepened, but she felt that her friend wasn't in a talkative mood.

"If you would like to talk about... "

"No." Natsuki harshly cut Mai off. "Not now. I feel like I got hit by a car and trust me I know that feeling."

"Fine. But remember that you can talk to me about anything whenever you're ready. So, how was your time with Shizuru-san? I know that it was really rude to have you come back here so soon but I honestly didn't know what to do. I hope she's not too mad at me."

Mai thought a change of topic would help to warm up the atmosphere but it seemed not to be the best choice. The expression on Natsuki's face got even more stressed and the silence lingered for another few seconds before Natsuki opened her mouth again.

"It's okay. She understands."

It was obvious that the biker girl would not talk about anything right now. So, Mai decided that it was best to give the girl some space. She knew the ice-princess and her ways on how she dealt with emotions. She will make her way somehow and if not, Mai could still be some kind of last resort.

"Alright Natsuki. I'll leave it at that for now. Please, just promise me that you will be careful whatever you do and that you will look after Nao. She's still younger than us and I fear for her health."

"I don't know if I can be of any help with that."

"Who knows? Just give your best. She's a friend, right? And we should cherish what's dear to us. I thought you learned this during the carnival."

The words made Natsuki's mouth dry.

_'I thought you learned this during the carnival...' I should have, right? I should know by now that it's important to have friends but I still feel like I'm not used to it. I have no idea what to do. _

"Thank you, Mai."

"That's what friends are for. Let's talk to each other again in the next days. Bye bye."

"Bye... "

_Alright, I decided. I will go to the hospital, even if she doesn't want to see me. It's my obligation since it's my fault. I'll make it up to her and it'll help clearing my mind too. I can't just sit here and think about Shizuru all the time. At least I should not. __She has chosen Sandra and I have to accept that somehow... _

And so Natsuki went to the hospital. Every day. The first three days Nao wouldn't speak or even look at her and Natsuki would just sit by her side saying nothing. It was not that big of a problem because she was used to be quiet and not talking to anyone. In fact, she also enjoyed the silence with Nao. At least she had the feeling that she was there. Talking was just a matter of time.

On the fourth day Nao finally said something and therefore officially acknowledged Natsuki's presence.

"Can't you just stay away? It really bothers me. You really are dog, aren't you? Always following somebody around."

Nao's grim words made Natsuki smile.

"No. I'll stay." Natsuki insisted. "Besides, it's not that you could go anywhere. So you'll have to bear my presence."

"Great." And that was it. It was short, simple and, of course, sarcastic. But it meant so much to Natsuki. On this evening she left with a smile on her face. Things were slowly getting better.

_Persistence sure has its advantages, ne Shizuru... _The moment the name crossed her thoughts her smile was replaced by a hurt expression. Her heart started aching, and she couldn't face her own thoughts about the far away girl any longer. Again, Natsuki buried everything deep within her soul. She couldn't think of another way of dealing with her emotions.. She didn't know another way. The only person she had ever talked to about Shizuru was Nao, and that was only because the younger girl brought the topic up. She knew it was wrong to just push things aside but she needed her strength right now. To be the friend she should have been before she left so suddenly without saying.

When Natsuki arrived at home she sat down on the couch and switched on the TV. But nothing could really catch her attention. She aimlessly looked around until the acoustic guitar entered her field of vision. _That's it!_

The next morning Natsuki packed her things for the hospital, and because of certain circumstances she would have to take the bus and not her motorcycle today. After arriving, she, as usual, sat down next to Nao's bed and, as usual, Nao would not talk to her or face her. _It's Joker-Time!_ And this was where the horror began. Natsuki was mistreating the new strings of her acoustic guitar as she tried to play a song. She had practiced half of the night, but it still sounded terrible and the strumming was more like a hammer on a building lot. Nao was nearly falling over the edge of her bed when she heard the noise next to her ear, and without giving a second thought she turned herself around and shouted at Natsuki.

"Are you insane, woman?"

Natsuki stopped right away since she was utterly happy that Nao faced her for the first time after she got hospitalized.

"Hello Nao." was all she said and then she sent a warm smile to her.

Nao was completely caught off guard. This wasn't supposed to happen and she didn't know what to do but to quickly turn around again. She didn't know why, but she couldn't deal with the sight of the older girl at all.

Natsuki now knew it was the right thing and without hesitation she started playing again. Of course, it still sounded horrible and of course, Nao wouldn't turn around again, but for the first time the younger girl would smile and even if Natsuki couldn't see it. She somehow felt the ice beginning to melt again.

* * *

**A/N:** Okay, it's really hard to write because my thoughts are going elsewhere. I started another story, which I will eventually upload here but not before I finished this one and it seems that this one is much longer than I thought and because my thoughts going crisscross ways I wrote parts of chapters for this story that are not even existing yet. I'm thinking too much ahead and I am torn over a proper ending. It really gives me the creeps. I believe that's the main reason why this story is getting longer and longer...I don't wanna face the ending. So bare with me a little longer and shall be rewarded, or not... who knows. I don't. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. So be kind and give a review =)


	19. Memories

"_**When a deep injury is done us, we never recover until we forgive"**_

**A/N:** Alright. Author's Note first. I wanted to say thank you to my reviewers and readers. I really am so grateful for all the inspiring comments. I will finish this story because I hate unfinished business. I mostly had the endings written out in my head. I mean I had planned two endings to please everyone. But this morning I had a life altering idea and this will change the story and the concept a lot. There will only be one ending. I have other plans. But I don't wanna tell too much. I will keep you in the dark until this fic is finished. I think it's the best solution and I hope all of you will like it.

**Beta: Akira Sasaki**

**Disclaimer: Sunrise owns Mai-HiME.**

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**Chapter 18 - Memories  
**

"... and I have no idea since when nutrition was so freaking expensive. I mean I don't go shopping much, but... "

"Would you, for god's sake, just shut up for once?" The annoyed voice of Nao was the awaited result of Natsuki's next attack. The raven-haired girl had tried a lot of different ways of getting Nao to talk, but the most useful one seemed to be to annoy her to death. Therefore she mostly babbled along all of the useless things she'd done the past few days. She didn't even have to lie because her days were so incredibly boring that she couldn't believe it was her own life she was talking about. It was totally different from the time when she used to be a HiME. She suddenly felt sad and empty. The feeling of loneliness was like a shadow to her. It was not always visible but it was there, and she was so used to it that she hardly felt uneasy about it. That was, until she found Shizuru. Bright as the sun, the older girl had been able to bring light into the dark world of Natsuki's. And now, with the sun gone, her world was even colder and the shadow even darker than ever before. She thought of her mother and her lost Child. Duran was the one that made her night walks less scary. He was there when she was crying because of her mother. And even if he was not visible, she could feel his roar deep inside her heart. At this moment, the world around Natsuki seemed to crash down. It felt like she'd lost everything.

_Duran... why can't you be with me anymore?_ _Why have I lost you again? I buried you under that cliff and after you came back I had to bury you again. Why do I have to lose everything twice... _

Natsuki was thinking so hard that she was embracing herself to stop the shivering of her body. A sound escaped her mouth and Nao directly picked on it.

"Shut up!"

Natsuki didn't say anything because she had a hard time to stop her tears from falling. She jumped up and was about to leave the room when Nao spoke again.

"Oi, on your way out, tell the nurse that I would like to have something to drink."

"... S-Sure... " Natsuki could not hide the broken tone of her voice. She just hoped Nao didn't notice or that she didn't want to notice.

But Nao caught the emotions behind the answer quite well, but before she could speak again, Natsuki was gone.

At night Natsuki tossed and turned in her bed. No matter what she did, she just couldn't fall asleep. Completely worn out, she decided that she wouldn't visit Nao today. She needed to sleep or do sports like a maniac. Something to blow the images of Shizuru together with that Sandra out of her mind. Sitting in a white and silent room with a person who isn't talking to you at all is not a really distracting hobby.

The day was filled with a lot of workout and some mechanic stuff on her motorcycle. She also washed her bike for more than two hours. She even thought about getting herself a puppy. But she decided that she wasn't ready to take on more responsibilities right now.

Thanks to the numerous distractions the day just flew away but the night seemed endless again. It was like her soul was crying out loud in the silence of her apartment. The emptiness of her bedroom reflected the feeling inside her heart. The abstinence of sounds during the night and the hovering darkness felt like a mirror she couldn't escape. And that darkness stayed with her, never leaving her side. Even in the morning it was still visible as thick circles under her eyes.

_Thank god, Nao isn't looking at me anyway. Got to go today, right? ... No excuses Natsuki, you promised yourself. Maybe I can even get used to hospitals... Well no, no I don't think so... Alright! Get a hold of yourself Kuga! You can do this. You fought the First District and now you're too weak to visit a friend. Oh my, social behavior is a lot more adventurous and complicated than being a lone wolf._

When entering the hospital room she was greeted with an unusual picture. Nao was sitting upright not facing the window but her instead. Natsuki was completely caught off guard and had no idea how to react.

"Are you going to come in or do you prefer staying in the doorframe like an idiot?"

Greeted with the normal unfriendliness she felt at ease and sat down on the chair next to the bed.

"Hey. How are you feeling?" Natsuki said, unable to fully hide her exhaustion.

"Better than you it seems. Geez, what did you do? Staying up for two days straight?" Nao's voice was not as rough as before, but still had an cutting edge to it.

"I guess you can call it that way."

Although the conversation was oddly familiar, something seemed to have changed. Natsuki couldn't really get grip what it was but she felt relieved.

"So, what have you been up to?" The moment she spoke out the words, she knew how stupid it must have sounded.

_Great Natsuki, you're such an intelligent human being. What should she have been up to? Traveling to the Fiji Islands and bringing you a souvenir?_

"What kind of stupid question is this? What do you think I've been doing?

"Traveling to the Fiji Islands and bringing me a souvenir?" _Geeeeezz, shut up brain! Why won't you work without sleep? _She was so lost in her inner conversation that she needed a few seconds before she noticed that Nao actually chuckled.

"Really, Kuga. You're such a dense person. Your stupidity even makes me laugh in such a situation. And no, I haven't been to the Fiji Islands since you left two days ago and furthermore I don't see any reason why I would bring you a souvenir to begin with."

"Yeah, right... You probably wouldn't." Natsuki nervously laughed while stuttering the words. Right now, she had no trust in her ability to speak.

"Okay, this conversation isn't going anywhere I guess, since you've melted your brain while you were gone. Where have you been anyway? I mean it's not that I care but it's better than to talk about fake journeys."

At a loss of words, Natsuki didn't know what to response.

"Alright, you're not the talkative one today, are you?"

"Right... but about the situation... " The raven-haired girl muttered.

"Mh? What situation?" Nao tried to sound as nonchalant as ever, but somehow it didn't work.

"Well, you said 'even in such a situation' earlier…"

"That was minutes ago. What are you retarded now or what?"

"Was it?" Natsuki fell back in thinking mode again. "Anyhow... I just didn't sleep well. So excuse my strange behavior for today and pretend I am just me."

"Well, you are you. Just a lot more dense than your usual denseness."

"Alright, alright! Enough insults for today. I asked you something." The raven-haired beauty insisted.

"I haven't even started and no, you didn't ask me anything." Natsuki wasn't sure if Nao was avoiding the topic on purpose or if the girl was really just annoyed from her slowness.

"But I wanted to, about the situation."

"So?"

Natsuki had no idea what she wanted to ask or how she should start the conversation. She was afraid of asking something about the circumstances and the night in the park.

"What happened?"

Nao didn't respond and so Natsuki spoke again.

"I mean, why you were in this park all alone in the middle of the night?" Nao's expression became blank. By seeing her face the older girl became worried. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... Look, if you don't want to talk about it right now. It's okay with me. But one day you have to open up. You can't hold everything inside forever. Please don't stop talking to me again."

"Brave enough for you to say so. Aren't you the one who always keeps everything to herself?"

"I guess you're just like me then." Natsuki thought about a way of getting Nao to open up and her sleepy brain gave her an idea that she would surely regret sooner or later.

"Okay, since we're both not the most talented persons when it comes to talking about ourselves, let's make a deal."

"Huh? What kind of deal?" A spur of interest swung in the monotone voice.

"You answer my question and then you can ask me something in return."

Nao thought for quite a while and finally said something.

"Sounds stupid. Can I think about it for one night?"

"Of course. I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"It's not that I could go anywhere. So when you're coming here tomorrow I'll still be here."

Natsuki had to smile because of that answer. She knew that it was meant as another insult, but the words were much too weak for a person like Nao. Also it was somehow cute how she desperately fought the presence of other people.

"See you tomorrow then."

"Bye."

Until the sleeping pills kicked in, Nao was lying awake, thinking about the other girl's suggestion. She didn't want to talk about anything from that night let alone think about it. But somehow she couldn't fight the urge to get to know some things about the ice-princess. Of course, she had promised herself that she would never talk to the older girl or even see her again. But with time and Natsuki's persistence her resolve became weak. She actually had to admit that she was happy about that fact that somebody cared. Her mother probably didn't even know that she was hospitalized or if so, she didn't care. She had to admit that she somehow was interested in this game. She still was a player. Before sleep found her she had a hard time, thinking of some good questions.

Natsuki was greeted with the same image as yesterday. Nao was sitting upright in her bed directly looking at her when she entered the room. But this time the younger girl was the one who made a surprised look.

"What is that supposed to mean?" she pointed her finger at the black-haired girl, who was holding a bouquet of flowers in her hand.

"I was in the city and I thought I could bring you a souvenir?" Natsuki said nonchalantly and winked to the younger girl. She placed the flowers in the vase next to the bed. Nao was the one who started speaking and she couldn't hide the surprise in her voice.

"Thank you but that wouldn't have been necessary."

"I know. But I thought I should do something about my soft skills."

Nao was eyeing the flowers on her nightstand.

"So, have you made up your mind?"

It took quite a while before the younger girl finally answered the question.

"I still think it's a stupid idea but okay. I have one more rule though." A weak smile was formed on her lips.

"And that would be?" Natsuki was skeptical, but she head to go with whatever it was anyways since she was determined to help her friend.

"I start the quiz-round."

"You? Why?" _Calm…_ "Whatever... go ahead... ?"

"Why did you leave so suddenly the other day?"

Natsuki knew that her plan was going to crash and burn because she had to tell the truth too and that was something she was absolutely not used you. She loved her privacy and hated to talk about herself. But she had no choice. It was her idea and now she had to face the consequences.

"I didn't feel well. Now it's my turn."

"Wait, if we're going to do this properly. You're not going to get away with such wishy-washy answers." Nao crossed her arms to underline her point and Natsuki had to admit that the girl indeed had a point.

"Alright, how long and detailed do you wish my answer to be then?"

"The question is answered, if I consider it to be answered."

"You little... " Natsuki grumbled.

"Did you say something?" Nao was a little relieved that Natsuki was still manipulated easily.

"No... " _Using my own idea against me when I was so smart here..._

"So, why weren't you feeling well?"

_Somebody help me... _

"I thought about some things." Natsuki felt like running, but she know she had to sit still and answer.

"Listen Kuga, either we are going to do this or we leave it be. So be little more precise."

"Fine! I thought about the time when I was still a HiME."

"And that made you sad because... you miss the fight? The power?"

"Duran... " Natsuki's eyes became sad again

"I understand... I miss Julia too... Why is it that your child had such an odd name?"

"Your question is answered right? It's my turn."

Nao nodded in response.

"Why were you in the park all by yourself in the middle of the night?"

Nao gulped at the question. She wanted to go easy on Natsuki. That's why she started with such a light question. Of course she was interested in the reason why Natsuki left so suddenly and about the time in Germany and that stupid Fujino, but she thought she would go soft on her first for not scaring her away. Yet it seems Natsuki would not go the easy way on her.

"Do you wanna hear the truth or something nice?"

"I take the truth at any cost."

"I was angry after you left me waiting for you like an idiot." Simple but sharp. _This seems to be the way truth is spoken I guess…_

Natsuki's little hopes that she wasn't at fault were shattered right in this moment. She knew it but she couldn't admit it to herself until she heard the younger girl saying these words.

"I thought so... I'm so sorry. I was such an idiot, I totally forgot... "

"Stop... Don't say anything. I know the reason. So, you don't have to spell it out." ... "The silence filled the gap and stretched the pain for both e few more seconds before Nao went on. "My turn: Why is your child named Duran?"

"It was named after my dog." The raven-haired girl nervously started to tug on her shirt.

"I knew it. You are a dog person. I prefer cats though. Dogs smell odd and they drool and... anyway. So, you have a dog named... ?"

"I had a dog named Duran when I was younger."

"What happened to him?" Originally, Nao hadn't planned to have an animal conversation, but somehow Natsuki's life interested her. She realized that she knew nothing about the ice-princess at all, despite the rumors of course.

"He died."

"I'm sorry, was he sick or just old?"

"Neither." The emerald eyes never dared to look up while speaking of her beloved dead dog and although Nao wasn't a dog person at all, she felt sorry.

"Okay... what was it then? Accident?"

"I'm next. I answered the question."

Nao sensed that there was something wrong. She hit a weak point although she hadn't planned to do so, at least not with these questions. She decided to wait until it was her turn again. Natsuki became more and more nervous with every minute. She had no idea where this conversation was going. She felt uncomfortable and was afraid that Nao could ask more things about her past. She was so confused that she couldn't think of a good question for Nao and so she decided to go outside the room for five minutes. She excused herself for a toilet pause and took a deep breath when she closed the door.

Unfortunately on her way to the toilet she was stopped by Dr. Tenshii.

_This stupid soul sucker... it's like she could sense my moods all over the hallway. _

With a fake grin, Natsuki greeted the tall doctor friendly.

"Hello Kuga-san. How are things going?"

"Perfect." Natsuki lied with a much too bright smile.

"Oh, so she did open up to you."

"Well, you know... Not exactly. I try to. We're on a good way I guess."

"So, how did you manage?"

_Why is she asking me so many questions? Does she probably sense I am not okay… You won't get my soul, devil!_

"We're playing some kind of exchange information." _Say only what's necessary…_

"Oh, I thought you were such good friends and know anything about each other. I guess you have some serious issues in life too then. If I could be of any help... "..."

"Umm, aaahh. No, I'm perfectly fine. I'm doing great. I don't have any. My life is so normal, that I bore myself to death the whole day... "

"I see... " The doctor looked skeptical on in the slightest convinced. But truth be spoken, one didn't even have to be a psychiatrist to know that Natsuki was lying. The nervous laughter and the wild gestures underlined her insecure words even more. To Dr. Tenshii she was strangely interesting. She liked the difficult cases, but decided that it was best to stay out of it since the two girls hadn't worked out their difficulties yet.

"So, you were on your way to the restroom, right?"

"Yes, yes, yes. Got to go there. It's this way, right... this way." Natsuki was still babbling uncontrollably. Without saying goodbye she turned around and walked stiff like a soldier straight into the direction of the restroom door.

"Kuga-san, just one more thing." Natsuki stopped dead in her tracks as if she had been shot. But she just stood there listening, not turning around.

"I think it's a good thing that both of you open up to each other. You just shouldn't forget that it's her who needs help right now. Even if it doesn't appear that way, she is very fragile right now. We found her in the restroom again the other night. Be careful with your words and be brave by asking her questions. I think if you're honest with her, she'll return the favor."

Natsuki was so shocked about the words that she just nodded. Dr. Tenshii left and the black-haired girl still stood there rooted. After a few seconds she awoke from her frozen position and went back into Nao's room.

_Okay. Setting selfishness aside, it's time to ask some questions. I won't run away again from this. _

Natsuki seated herself next to the bed again and asked one of the questions she was most afraid of.

"Are you mad at me?"

The answer took a while but Natsuki didn't want to rush things.

"I was... Right now, I don't really feel anything."

The older girl didn't know if she was becalmed right now or worried. It was a mixture of both to be precise. Without hesitating Nao asked the next question.

"What happened to your dog when you were a child?"

With a bit of hesitation the older girl finally said:

"I was at my mothers' office with Duran. She wanted to take us home after work. But during our drive we were chased by the First District. We had an accident by the cliffs." Her eyes became distant while she voiced the memories.

"Oh, so that's why I found you there during carnival. I'm sorry to hear that. So, Duran didn't make it, I assume."

"Just me." Natsuki gulped at the words as tears were fighting their way to her eyes.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know that your mother is... I can understand how you feel though. I lost mine during the carnival too and right now it feels like I have lost her again. I wonder why I had to lose her twice... "

Natsuki was taken aback by hearing the words. She again, was surprised how much alike she and Nao were. To make sure that she has properly answered the question, she proceeded with the next one.

"By the way, why was your child named Julia?"

The younger girl was a bit surprised but it seemed that she would answer the question.

"Julia was my best friend when I was in elementary school. We promised that we would always be there for each other. Her parents moved away when we were 10 years old. She promised to write me every day and to call me as often as she could. The first weeks she even did so, but after a while the calls and letters came fewer and fewer. After two months they stopped completely. She had found new friends and I was still waiting next to the telephone." Nao paused for second before she continued. "I guess that's just how people are. Out of sight, out of mind."

"I think you're right."

"So you say... But it's not the same with you and Fujino, right?"

Hearing the name, Natsuki twitched for a bit.

"What do you mean?"

"You can't forget about her even if she's miles away from you, can you?"

Nao knew that the conversation has taken a dangerous lead, but she was ready to play the risky cards now.

"I don't know. I guess I have to forget her with the way things are going now..." A sad smile crossed her lips for a second.

"And with that you mean?"

"Oi, I'm still in. It's my part for asking some questions. Here I go: Can you remember what happened that night? Or to be more precise why you were hurt so bad with your clothes ripped off?"

Nao looked outside the window and took a deep breath. Not sure if she could talk about the events of that night. But she knew that this was also a chance to know something more about the ice-princess. As much as she would have liked to ignore her forever or to hate her, she just couldn't. Something deep inside of her longed for having Natsuki in her life. So she had to take the stony path.

"If I answer this question honestly, you have to answer mine about your trip to Germany and Fujino in return. Deal?"

"Deal."

* * *

**A/N:** A longer chapter this time. So, I have one favor to ask. I would like to take the opportunity to advertise the newly aired homepage of my band. I would like for you guys to have a look and to listen to our music. I'd be happy if you'd drop a comment in the guestbook because I insisted of also having an English version of the site like: "guys we need an English translation, there will also be people outside of Germany who visit our page." So please don't embarrass me and be nice and leave a comment. I hope you'll like my music as much as my writing. I'm nervous now: www dot rushofrain dot de The full link wouldn't display here but the site is linked on my profile or you just copy this one in your browser with the dots


	20. This Love

_**"In jealousy there is more self-love than love."**_

**Disclaimer: Mai HiME belongs to Sunrise. Although they are not worthy of it because they refuse to do a sequel or the long awaited movie.**

* * *

**Chapter 19 - This love  
**

Nao had a hard time thinking of a way to begin. Her mind went in circles around the problem and she nervously grabbed the blanket with both of her hands while starring outside the window.

Natsuki was already used to the sight of the younger girl facing away from her. But Nao usually was surrounded by a feeling of listlessness and calmness. Right now it was different. The tension and stress was absorbing every other mood in the room and it seemed as if it were to linger forever.

The raven-haired beauty thought of something to encourage her friend but before she could come up with anything useful, Nao took in a deep breath of the stress-polluted air.

"I was sitting on a bench when this guy came around. I didn't really look at him but later it turned out that he was one of the guys I had robbed when I still had my powers. He of course, still knew my face and then everything went really fast. I remember him hitting me and throwing me against a tree. What happened then I'm not sure about. The next thing I know clearly is waking up in the hospital. "

Her voice was getting lower but even for a situation like that it was very clear and sounded somehow strong.

"But I have dreams. I don't know if they reflect reality though. They are just dreams after all and I'm not sure what to think of dreams in general."

The always so strong girl appeared very fragile at that moment but in fact she wasn't. Natsuki knew that. After everything that had happened to her, she was still sitting there and talking about the events as if she was just an observer. It was not quite clear if she really could get used to the incident that fast of if her sub-consciousness would trick her one day. Nao spoke again and stopped Natsuki's train of thoughts.

"I mean do you believe dreams are reflecting our experiences or are they nothing more than a production of our fantasy?"

"I don't know, I never really thought about it. They're just there, right?"

"You're so simple Kuga." She smiled. "When I was younger I used to believe that dreams are some kind of astral projection. When we sleep our soul leaves our body and travels to parallel universes. Well, maybe I still believe it...At least I want to...Anyhow, have you ever heard of the string-theory?"

"No, is it about sewing?" Natsuki was very irritated.

_Where is this conversation going?_

But she was interested. She would have never thought that Nao could be so…intriguing.

"No stupid. It's located in the field of Chaos-Theory.

"Ah, Chaos. Now that sounds familiar." Natsuki said proudly.

"Yeah, I thought so but not the chaos in your head but in the universe in general."

"It's getting complicated now, right?"

"Yes, you better be prepared. The string-theory says that there are different universes for every possible opportunity. Which basically means that there thousands of parallel universes where you live through all the things your life could offer you. Every decision we make or not make is played out in another world and they are all connected somehow. Like strings holding them together to form one big picture."

"Wait, you mean there are thousands of you out there? Geez, please…Mercy."

"You're not taking this seriously are you? I mean maybe my dreams are not my reality in this world but in another because as I said, I actually can't remember and I only have strange dreams."

"What dreams…"

Nao hesitated for a bit but she still had in mind that Natsuki was next to sit on the hot seat.

"About that guy ripping my clothes off and such…stuff…"

The older girly was gulping by Nao's statement. Now she really wanted to believe in this string-theory thing.

"But why didn't you have an examination to be sure then?"

"Because I don't want to. I don't want to be sure, you know…I want to make believe that this is not real. That it's not my reality. And so I believe in this universes and I believe and dream…the whole time I do nothing more than that. I'm a prisoner of my own mind you could say." …"A bit like you."

"Am I?"

"What do you think?" Nao answered with another question.

"I don't know. Maybe I am."

"I believe you are. Your mind is giving you a hard time with the Fujino-matter, right?"

Again Natsuki twitched a bit about the name. She knew she would be on the hot seat from now on.

"Hey dog…do you think we could continue this conversation at some time in the future outside of this white walls? I would like to talk a bit more about the whole dream-thing…"

Not quite sure if Nao was referring to the events from that night or to the string-theory the older girl was nodding. She didn't want to ruin her chance to get some more information out of the pink-haired girl.

"By the way when are you allowed to leave?"

"I guess anytime."

Natsuki could have beaten herself up for being so inconsiderate. Of course Nao would stay here as long as she was allowed due to her injuries because she still didn't have a place to stay.

_I am really dense at times. Okay, I've decided I will make some room in my flat and she can stay with me for a while. That way I can have an eye on her._

Natsuki decided that she would take Nao to her apartment the next day when she had cleaned it up a bit. Looking back to Nao she was met by a piercing glance. She felt as if her seat got hot for real. It was her turn to answer some questions now. But she felt completely uncomfortable in this atmosphere. She was kind of a dark character. She liked darkness and dark colours and stuff and now she sat in the purest white ever with a bunch of uncomfortable question ahead.

Nao sensed the fear erupting from Natsuki and actually thought of having mercy with her today.

"Natsuki…"

To hear the younger girl speaking her name was so unusual that she almost fell off her seat.

"You'll stick to your promise, right?"

"Yeah, of course. Haha." She tried to laugh but it was merely a nervous plea to leave her alone. "I mean, I just thought that it would be much easier in a darker atmosphere…"

Nao's eyes shot up in surprise.

"Gahhhh, not what you think!"

"I'm glad then." They both let out a sigh of relief.

"I thought about getting you out of hospital…"

"That's nice Kuga, but I…"

"I know you don't have a place to stay. But since we're spending so much time together anyways, I thought I could make some room for you in my apartment again."

Nao was just staring at her while saying nothing. So Natsuki went on.

"It somehow worked before, right? I mean the food will be probably even worse than here but at least you have some more privacy and if you're ready to see other people, we could call Mai over to cook something delicious."

"Sounds awful…"…"But still better than to stay in the-world-without-colours forever"

"So…could I…if you don't mind…I would like to answer your questions about Shizuru in a more private atmosphere…"

"It's okay doggy. You're in puppy-mode right now. How could I say no to your request? But tomorrow you're not getting of the hook so easily."

Natsuki smiled her brightest smile. She was looking so cute that Nao didn't know what to do next. Thank god, Natsuki broke the silence of the situation.

"So, I'll pick you tomorrow and make it up to you. I promise."

The smile faded abruptly from the younger girls face.

"You should not promise such things, you know. Just come. Don't promise anything to me anymore."

"I understand."…"I see you tomorrow then. Have a good night. Maybe we'll meet each other in another universe tonight."

And with that Natsuki was gone and Nao was left utterly confused.

_Was she implying that I should dream of her tonight? Or worse, that she dreams of me? Sick stuff!_

Before she could think any further she heard the roar of Natsuki's bike –engine followed by the knocking of a nurse who brought her some food.

**In Germany.**

_The courser on this screen seems to be the only thing that's alive in my world since you have left. I don't know if you regret it. I don't know if you'll ever come back. It's dark here and it doesn't seem to get brighter anymore. The days just went by and I sit here for hours doing nothing but counting the beats of this tiny courser that's forming a thousand words that are to be deleted within the next blink of an eye. It is as if the clicking of the keys is imitating the beats of my heart...Well, not exactly. More like, I have to click the keys to keep my heart beating. _

_I'm thinking the situation over and over and I'm angry with myself that I shut you out of my life by shutting the door. I knew you had to go because a friend of you wasn't feeling well but I also knew that I acted out of jealousy and that was something I wouldn't...I couldn't admit to you. I came here to erase you from my mind...from my soul...from everything. But no matter what I try or do you're still there. You're words are still lingering and my heart isn't able to give up. You have no idea how hard it was to say no to you at the party but I don't want to take advantage of a situation like that. I did something like this once and I won't ever do it again. You are free and you're able to make your own choices. I've accepted that. Although I don't know what's going on with you and Yuuki, I hope you're doing well without me._

The Delete-button had become one of her best friends lately. Every time she sat in front of her laptop she was thinking of a proper way to contact Natsuki and every time she deleted all of her well-thought mails. She always ended up re-reading the old messages.

_How I wish I could go back to that state. _

While Shizuru was thinking, Sandra slowly approached her from behind.

"Writing mails again? Has she even answered you once?"

"I didn't send anything to her."

"Really? I'm glad then."

"I bet you are..."

"My dear Shizuru, don't get me wrong. I am very concerned about your happiness and that's why I am glad because I see again and again that she is giving you everything but happiness and I also saw that she's not even willing to. But I am. My mother once said: If you don't get what you want, you get what's better for you."

Sandra sat herself on Shizuru's lap and kissed her.

"Come on beauty, give it up. I cannot stand the sight of you torturing yourself. Let's go to bed, I can think of some 'activities' that'll take your mind off things."

The German-girl grabbed her hand and tried to drag her away from the chair. Shizuru looked back at the computer screen, hit the Delete-button and let Sandra lead the way.

Hours later, Shizuru was lying on the bed next to the naked sleeping-form of Sandra. She was feeling emptier than before, as if every time she gave herself away it was sucking all the life out of her. With every touch she felt like losing a piece of her soul. But right now she loved this kind of self-destruction. She loved the torture and punishment her mind and body offered her.

_Because I deserve it. I am despicable and I am not worthy of something pure and true like Natsuki. I belong here. Right here, surrounded by darkness and filth._

Unable to sleep Shizuru went to the kitchen and searched for something alcoholic that would help her to fall asleep. There was a decent amount of wine in the corner next to the refrigerator left from the last party.

An hour and two bottles of wine later she was again sitting in front her laptop. Unable to stare at the bright screen, she was searching for a piece of paper. She needed to get some thoughts out of her head and she thought that the old-fashioned way would be a lot more appropriate for someone precious like Natsuki and so she began to write as well as she could after having such an amount of wine running through her body. She always had a beautiful handwriting and so the words turned out to appear very neat.

_This Love_

…_Love bound to a constant wave of pain, an everlasting reminder of the distance between us. How can you be so far away when your feelings and emotions touch my soul so strong but ever so gently? When your words make my body tremble and your voice sends shivers across my back? _

_Maybe it's too strong to exist without barriers. Maybe it's too dangerous to free a fire like this. Maybe it's too hopeless to be real._

_My heart is racing by just watching you from afar. My mind is spinning by reading your words. I need to catch my breath when I close my eyes and remember my dreams. All those dreams filled with you and only you, in a world that never could be…never will be…_

_Only one breath from you against my skin could blow my mind away. Only one touch could burn my body to ash and bone. But I don't care if my body will ignite under your touch because my heart is already set ablaze; burning with this strong but wild and dangerous fire. _

_I want to feel the sensation of your lips against mine just for once…to taste the sweet whisper of desperation. I want to travel along your waistline with my tongue, to take in your scent while feeling your body against mine. I want to make you lose your mind while hearing you scream my name in pleasure, to show you the world you once created for me…to brush my lips against your ear after softly biting your neck, for leaving invisible marks on your body and soul. I want to cover your body with kisses… to embrace you with my love…_

_So, for this love to become real is too dangerous at all I guess because if it were to be set free one day, I would burn myself deep into your soul, so that your memory of me would spark a fire inside your heart every time you think of me. I will make you mine. I long for you to be mine…and only mine._

_Forever Yours_

_Shizuru_

Shizuru was crying so desperately that she thought she had to choke on her tears. At this moment she was determint to send these words to Natsuki. She wanted her to know what's really going on. After she had written Natsuki's address on the letter she was completely exhausted and still very drunk because she didn't stop drinking while writing those words and she was about to open the next bottle when sleep suddenly kicked in. She curled herself up on the chair and fell asleep with her head lying next to the letter.

When Sandra woke up and noticed that Shizuru wasn't lying next to her she got worried and searched the flat. She found the Kyoto-beauty sound asleep at the desk. When she came closer she noticed the white paper on the table and saw that it was addressed to a certain girl in Japan. After she let her eyes wander back to Shizuru she could see that the girl must have been drunk and thanks to that, crying heavy because her make-up was blurred and her lips were still red from the content of the empty wine bottles next to her.

_Poor girl. I wonder what you've been writing to your precious friend._

Sandra reached out for the letter and opened it clandestinely.

After she finished reading she was the one who had to fight back the tears. She couldn't understand what Shizuru saw in that little brat and she was so angry that she didn't kick her butt when she had the chance to.

_Damn it Shizuru, I love you and you don't want me and she treats you like shit and you're all over her…What can I do to make you mine finally? I don't only want your body. I want everything of you. Especially that part that you have locked away for that brat because I can read in those words that this is the most beautiful part of you and this little bitch doesn't deserve it. I won't let you humiliate yourself over her anymore. She won't get that letter ever. I will keep it until these words belong to me and only me._

When Shizuru woke up she found herself in bed with a terrible headache. She couldn't remember anything from last night after she had opened the second bottle of wine but she felt as if there had been five more bottles after that.

Sandra was greeting her with a smile and a kiss and told her that breakfast was ready.

"Ouch, do you know how fast the train was that hit me last night?"

"Hmm. I at least know how long the hitting was…" She said in a smutty voice.

Shizuru just rolled her eyes and sat down at the kitchen table.

"I'm not hungry."

"I thought so. Here's some coffee."

"Thanks."

"Do you remember anything from your single party last night?" Sandra was observing the reaction very exact.

"Well, no. Not really after opening the second bottle of wine."

"I thought so." She said with a little bit relief in her voice.

"Why?" Shizuru became suspicious about Sandra's odd behavior.

"Ahem…because I used all my strength to get you back into bed."

"So, I didn't go to bed after drinking?"

Sandra became nervous. She must stop this conversation before Shizuru could remember anything about that letter.

"Well you wanted to lie down on the floor instead of the bed and we had an argument. But I won and now you have to live with a terrible hangover."

"True."

"True..."

* * *

**A/N:** Oh the pain. It's getting too personal. I should abandon this story. Well no, of course I won't. I keep on writing although I should be learning for my exams. Maths is going to kill me...


	21. Nightmares

_**"The soul that can speak with its eyes can also kiss with a gaze."**_

**Beta: ****Akira Sasaki**_**  
**_

**Disclaimer: Mai HiME does indeed belong to Sunrise.**

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**Chapter 20 - Nightmares  
**

"You're not ready? Are you not allowed to leave?" Natsuki said with a surprised look on her face.

"I am. But I wanted to wait if you would come for real."

The black-haired girl smiled warmly about the comment. She has grown very fond of the frailness of the younger girl.

"So, here I am. Shall we leave then?"

Nao became a tiny bit red and looked away.

"So?" Natsuki insisted, but Nao kept staring at her disbelievingly.

"I have to get changed and such. Would you mind waiting outside?"

"Gahh... of course. I'm sorry. I'll be right outside the room. Just come whenever you're ready." Natsuki dashed out and closed the door.

_Geez, why do I always get so nervous when undressing is involved. We're both girls. I don't think I would act that way around Mai. Well, probably around Shizuru... damn what am I thinking here?_

"Kuga-san, good to see you."

Natsuki turned around with an unnerved smile because she already knew the voice.

"Hello, Dr. Tenshii." She gritted her teeth in an attempt to smile.

"I heard that Nao was going to leave, but I wouldn't give my permission until she told me that you would pick her up and let her live with you for a while. That's quite generous of you."

"Yeah, I mean I have room to spare, so it's not a problem."

"It could become one though." The woman remarked.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that she is still in a bad condition. Her body is still bruised and her soul is suffering from an even greater damage. Do you really think you are capable to bear all of it?" The clear blue eyes of the doctor were looking at her intensely.

"I will do whatever I can and if she wants to share some of her pain, I'll be by her side to comfort her. I won't let her suffer alone."

"That's the spirit. Then I will give you my permission to take care of her, but remember that she is still having psychotic fits from time to time. At night it often gets worse."

"I won't let anything happen to her. Promise." Natsuki proclaimed.

"I told you no promises." A female voice said from behind. "Can we go now?"

Nao was standing there ready to leave.

"Well, Yuuki-san. I hope you'll get better soon and if you're ever willing to talk about some 'things', you know where to find me. We'll still keep an eye on you just to make sure that this young lady here is keeping her promise."

Natsuki saw a flicker of hate in Nao's eyes and tried to break the tension before it would rise to a higher level.

"Yes, yes. We should go now." She grabbed Nao's bag and led the way to the bus station.

"We're going by bus?" Nao's asked more out of surprise than of disturbance. But Natsuki explained reasonably why it was only natural.

"I thought that it wouldn't be the best idea to come with my bike because you're still injured and there's your bag and stuff."

"I see." Nao seemed to be a bit disappointed and Natsuki anticipated that Nao might actually like riding with her.

"I'll take you somewhere nice with my bike as soon as you're feeling better."

"If you wish to." Nao tried to sound cold for keeping the distance at the right balance, but Natsuki could see that her eyes didn't look so disappointed anymore and was happy that she could say something to cheer the girl up. At least for a bit.

In the bus, Natsuki felt that something was terribly wrong. Nao was acting completely odd. She was almost curling herself up in the seat facing away from everyone and looking outside the window without saying a word. So, Natsuki carefully touched Nao's shoulder to reassure her that everything was fine. Much to her dismay, it was something she shouldn't have done. Nao immediately flinched away under the contact and started to shiver.

"Umm, Nao... are you alright? Is something wrong?"

"Yeah, yeah sure. Everything's fine... " Nao mumbled insecurely.

"Well, somehow I don't really believe you. Listen, you have to be honest with me. I wanna help you. So please, tell me what's wrong."

"Do you see that guy in the back row?" Nao still didn't turn around.

Natsuki twisted her head and saw an incredibly ugly guy with huge sunglasses.

"Yes." _Don't tell me…_ "Wait, is he the one? That scumback! I'll give him something... "

"No, wait. He's not the one. But one of the guys I've robbed. So would you please stay silent? Right now, I'm not in the condition to take him on."

"You'll never be in the condition to take someone like him on." The older girl stated matter-of-factly.

Since Nao didn't respond anymore, Natsuki spoke again.

"Don't get me wrong. I'm just worried because you seem to have a lot of foes these days and I don't want these filthy scumbags touching you."

"That's the price I have to pay." The younger girl sunk even deeper into the seat.

"No, they were the ones who started it in the first place with your mother and..." Natsuki was exaggerating, but Nao stopped her instantly from speaking too loud.

"Alright, can we just skip this topic?"

The biker breathed in deeply and crossed her arms. "Of course. But I'll have an eye on you."

"Yeah, because you're the knight in shining armor." Nao said in a sarcastic voice.

"No, but because I don't like those stupid idiots who lay hands on someone who's dear to me." When Natsuki spoke out the last words in anger, Nao was suddenly looking at her in amazement. She couldn't help but blush a bit under the bold statement. They didn't speak a word for the rest of the drive, yet both of them had a very contemplative look on their faces.

The first days and nights Nao was sleeping a lot because she took her medication regularly in fear of psychotic breakdowns, but with time she was sick of living every day in the same manner. Natsuki was acting very careful and protective. She looked after the younger girl, keeping her distance. So did Nao, who didn't bother the raven-haired one with the most feared topic. They basically just lived side by side but not together. But they both knew that someday they would have to talk. Therefore, Nao decided to drop the medication to clear up her mind.

"Aren't you tired, sleepy head?" Natsuki asked in a cheerful voice.

"Actually, not really."

"Wow. I'm amazed. So you're getting used to the pills, little junky?"

"Would you please stop calling me those names? You're being creepy." Nao chided.

"Sorry, I never realized." Natsuki looked a bit disappointed and Nao regretted her words right away.

"No, I'm sorry. I am a bit tense because I stopped with the pills." She knew, Natsuki wouldn't like it, but she didn't want to lie.

"You completely stopped? Why?"

"It's clouding my mind and I don't wanna sleep all day. I haven't been outside for weeks. I think I actually miss the sunlight, although I'm more of a night person."

"Me too."

"You see the sunlight every day when you're out for food and..."

"I meant, I am too a night person." Natsuki cut her off.

"Well, of course. Dogs stray at night." Nao said with a mischievous grin,

"That would make you a dog too." Natsuki countered.

"Touché."

"Okay, if you're coping with the hiatus, I'll take you out the day after tomorrow."

"Oh, like a date you mean? Sorry, but I am not interested."

Natsuki became beet red.

"NO! I meant I will take you to a special place and not to a restaurant or something."

"Still sounds like a date."

"Alright, call it what you want. I get that you don't want to go." She growled with a pouting face.

_Geez, this person freaks me out. I better mix her some pills under her next meal. She was much nicer that way._

Nao had to admit that she found Natsuki's expression somewhat cute and finally gave in.

"Alright, alright. I'll come with you."

"Fine." Natsuki smiled.

"Fine."

At night Nao's sleep was not as serene as the last nights. Natsuki, who had slept on the couch for the past days having nightmares herself, was woken up by strange noises. When she heard Nao's voice her mind was awake in a second. She entered the door of the bedroom and found Nao tossing and turning in her bed. She was obviously having a bad nightmare. The former ice-princess got closer but wasn't sure how to wake the younger girl. It looked like she was in pain, so she had to be careful. She started whispering her name, but Nao only let out moans that sounded like 'no' or 'don't'. She didn't react to her name at all and so Natsuki tried to gently touch her head. The impact of this move was much bigger than expected. Nao's eyelids suddenly shot up and she was sitting upright in bed, breathing and sweating heavily without looking at the older girl.

"Oi... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."

There suddenly were sobs.

"You... no, _you_ haven't scared me." Nao seemed to lose her composure and slumped down again, crying heavily.

Natsuki was totally shocked and had absolutely no idea how to react. She was so not prepared for something like this. The last days had been so good and now Nao was lying in front of her curled up and crying. It nearly broke her heart to hear the sobs of the desperate girl.

She suddenly remembered the conversation she had with Dr. Tenshii a few days ago.

_-'Do you really think you are capable to bear all of it?'_

_'I will do whatever I can and if she wants to share some of her pain, I'll be by her side to comfort her. I won't let her suffer alone.'_

_'That's the spirit. Then I will give you my permission to take care of her but remember that she is having psychotic fits from time to time. At night it often gets worse."_

_'I won't let anything happen to her. Promise.'-_

"Nao, I'm here. You don't have to be afraid." Natsuki lay down next to the sobbing girl.

"If you want to release some of the pain I'll be here to catch you."

She encircled the waist of Nao and brought her closer. She felt the warmth and the shivering of her body.

"Hush... it's alright. It was just a dream. I'm here now."

"Was it…?" Nao whispered between her sobs.

"Of course. What did you dream of?"

"The park... the guy... " Still sounding disoriented, the crying girl stopped shaking.

"I see... " Natsuki suddenly remember this dream-theory Nao told her about. "And even if it did happen, it's not real, right? It didn't happen in this world because right now I am here and I am real. You can feel me, can you?" She brought herself a bit closer to fill the last little gap between their bodies. Nao stiffened at the movement, but soon relaxed when she could feel the steady breathing and the warmth of the body behind her. Strangely enough she didn't feel uncomfortable, she actually felt safe and was able to calm down for a bit to swallow some of her sobs.

"Yes. I can feel you." Normally, Nao would complain about the weirdness of their words, but right now, she was glad that the other girl was so close and sensitive.

"Well, I'm glad then." Natsuki said. Clearly relieved, she snuggled her head in the pink hair.

"So, you understood it." Nao's voice was a lot calmer by now.

"I guess at least the core of it. But I bet it's much too big for my head to comprehend all of it. Such things always scare the hell out of me because they are too huge and too far away to grab."

"I already figured that you're afraid of things that are too far away to grab..."

Natsuki shrugged away. She instantly knew what the younger girl was referring too. Almost automatically Nao turned around and searched Natsuki's eyes.

"Now, you're the one who's afraid." She spoke in a soft voice.

"I guess so."

Nao gave the scared girl a second and also used the time to compose herself a little more before she spoke again.

"You don't have to. I'm not asking you to hurt you. Just to let you release some of your pain too."

And here wrapped in the darkness of the night, the two girls were lying next to each other facing their worst nightmares. None of them had planned to give away any of their inner pain, but somehow the missing light made them both more comfortable. It seemed unreal as if they were still dreaming.

"What happened over there?" Nao started to ask. Natsuki closed her eyes and suddenly looked like she was in physical pain.

"She rejected me." She said almost inaudibly whilst fighting back her tears. The sight of it made Nao's heart ache. She embraced Natsuki only to release her in the next second to brush a tear away that escaped from the older girls' eyes.

"I'm sorry for being such a weakling. I should be the one comforting you." The older girl apologized under a sob.

"Bullshit. You owe me these answers anyway. But I can't believe that she would reject you. I mean she is crazy over you."

"Was... Now she's probably crazy about Sandra."

"Sandra? What is a Sandra?" The joke was cleary on Nao's side and Natsuki even had to smile a little.

"She is a German-girl who's into motorcycles." Natsuki said still in a broken voice.

"Ouch. So, Kaichou-sama isn't so perfect after all."

Natsuki started sobbing again.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to insult her. Well, maybe I did. Anyhow I can't stand seeing you in pain."

"Why is that? I always thought you would enjoy it?"

Nao was completely off guard. She had no idea herself. _That's actually a good question... Why the hell does it concern me that much when little puppy is crying... Oh shit... _ Nao's face went hot but thanks to the darkness no one could see the sudden clear realization on her face.

"I don't know... I guess I hate this Fujino-person more than you." She tried to underline the statement with a fit of laughter. But it didn't really sound honest. Luckily, Natsuki didn't go into the topic any further, which gave Nao room to ask some more.

"So, you proposed to her and she rejected you."

"I didn't really tell her about my feelings. But I wanted to. It was unnecessary though, because Sandra told me that they were together for a while and that I bring her nothing but pain."

"Hm, so Fujino didn't tell you herself?" Nao tried to evaluate the situation to make it less hard for Natsuki.

"No, not directly."

"And you believe Sandra so easily?"

"Why would she lie?" For the first time, Natsuki seemed to startled over her gullibility.

"Maybe because she's in love. You really are too good for this world."

"I never thought about it that way. But I guess if she had lied, Shizuru would have contacted me. But she hasn't." Natsuki stated reasonably.

"Oh okay. Maybe it's true then."

Natsuki buried her head in her pillow and Nao took her in her arms again.

"I'm sorry," was the last thing Nao whispered before both fell silent and eventually asleep.

* * *

**A/N:** Right now, I am writing chapter 21... and after that there is only one chapter left. It's coming to an end. I can't believe it...


	22. Departure

_**"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly"**_

**Be****ta: Akira Sasaki**_**  
**_

**Disclaimer: Sunrise = Mai HiME**

* * *

**Chapter 21 - Departure  
**

Shizuru couldn't bring herself to go to university today. After the headache had vanished she started to feel sick. Completely not used to the amount of alcohol, she had to suffer from her first hangover and she hated it. But lying around and doing nothing wasn't something a Shizuru Fujino could do so easily. Therefore, so she decided to clean up the apartment for a bit. She started in her room which was so tidy that there wasn't really anything to do at all. The kitchen and the living room however were more of a task but the real adventure was still right in front of her. Sandra was probably the messiest person on earth and Shizuru had always loathed the massive chaos in her room. She never really had the chance to give a decent cleaning to this room before now when she was all alone and free to do so. Maybe, Sandra would thank her for this later or she would be mad. Either way there was nothing that could stop the Kyoto-girl now. When she started to make her way through huge staples of paper she nearly fell down. _Ara, gravity is quite strong after a few bottles of wine._ She suddenly felt dizzy and sat down on the bed. _It's such a mess. I will never finish cleaning until Sandra gets home. Ah, the bed. I could really use a little nap right now._ Shizuru crawled under the blanket and reached out for the pillow, which she pulled over. By moving the soft fabric something made an odd crumpling sound. Shizuru tilted her head to see where the noise came from. A crumbled piece of paper was placed where the pillow had been lying seconds ago. _How untidy can a person be to even have waste under her pillow?_ The Kyoto-girl reached out for the paper for throwing it away, when she saw that it was the handwriting of her own on it. Of course, she knew that it wasn't right to look into someone else's private things but it was different when it was her handwriting and therefore she should already know the content of the piece anyway. So, she slowly unfolded it. By reading the words she instantly felt sick again. When she skimmed the lines pieces of her memory came back from the depths of her mind. The headache was back and so was most of the images from last night.

After she finished reading, she angrily crumpled the paper again. A few minutes later she could hear keys outside the door. _Just in time... _

"Hey Shizuru, I'm home. Where are you?" Sandra said, completely oblivious to the Armageddon that was awaiting her.

"I'm right here." Shizuru said in a cold voice whilst leaning on the doorframe.

"Are you feeling any better? You sound strange. Is everything alright?"

"I don't know. Is it? You tell me."

Sandra felt the tense atmosphere and became a bit uneasy.

"At least I hope so." The German-girl responded with an insecure voice.

"Well, sorry to shatter your hopes then. Have you seen this neat little sheet of paper before?"

Shizuru held up the crumpled evidence of her single party from last night. The colors seemed to have left Sandra's face and so did her voice.

"Ummm..."

"So?"

"You know. I thought it might be better to keep that for a while until... "

"Until what? Until I forgot about Natsuki and finally discover my real love for you?"

"Hopefully, yes." Sandra said honestly.

"Don't be stupid. You know how I feel. Why did you do something like that? It's despicable." Shizuru had troubles in keeping her voice calm.

"Maybe it is. But even so, I love you and I need you by my side and somehow you need me too."

"I fucking know that I need you. Or at least somebody. But even so... I hate your ways."

"I can understand that you're suffering because of this stupid girl but you have to let go."

Shizuru's mind snapped at hearing these last words.

"No, you don't understand. How dare you? You have no idea what Natsuki meant to me. What she still means to me and no one in the world could ever change this. I'm still dying by just hearing her name. The sound of her voice breaks my heart over and over again. Every time I have to smile it feels like giving a piece of me away. I thought I could live a life far away from her for her to be safe and without anger. I thought I could be so selfless but I can't. I just can't. I cannot stand this. I have to be with her no matter what... In this life or the next." The words, combined with desperate gaze from the blood-red eyes scared Sandra to an extend she couldn't describe. Shizuru was obsessed. That she was sure of.

"Shizuru... please. You have to calm down. This sounds really sick and I am worried. Just lie down for a bit and breathe steadily." The taller girl said, trying to be reasonable.

"Why won't you understand? Why won't anybody ever understand? Even Natsuki... she still doesn't care. She still left me here all alone without even saying goodbye or contacting me afterwards."

Sandra made a long pause as if she was debating with herself.

"Umm, about that... I haven't told you everything you know... "

Shizuru's eyes shot up in surprise and hope.

"What? What haven't you told me? Did she say anything about me before she left?"

Sandra couldn't lie anymore. She could almost feel the pain Shizuru was emitting.

"No... But I said something which I shouldn't have said I guess..."

"Spill it." Her eyes seemed to be more intense than usual. There was also a little craze in them.

"I told her that she should have never come because you were just doing fine... in our relationship... or something." The last words were more of a mumble.

Shizuru started to shake in anger. She felt like losing her mind again. Luckily for the rest of the world, she wasn't a HiME anymore.

"YOU WHAT?" Her voice was so cold and sharp it almost hurt physically.

"I'm sorry. I was angry about the way she..."

"SHUT UP! I don't want to hear any of your lies anymore! How could you do this to me when you said you loved me?"

The words stung like daggers.

"How can you do this to me when you know I love you…?"

"I'm doing nothing to you." Shizuru defended herself.

"You're acting even worse than your little Natsuki girl. You know I love you and you still treat me like shit. I know I did something stupid but I did that because I love you."

"No, you did that for yourself."

"And so did you! Think about it. Did you do anything of it for Natsuki or did you secretly do it all for yourself?" Sandra countered, not wanting to lose her pride completely. Shizuru's vision became dull. She didn't respond to anything anymore. She just walked into her room and packed her things.

"Shizuru? What are you doing? Where are you going?"

"Natsuki..." She stuttered, completely spaced out.

"Please stop." Sandra grabbed her by the wrist.

"No, this time I'll go for sure. This might be last chance ever to make things right. So, would you finally let go of me... or I'll make you." The last words were spoken so cold and precise that Sandra shivered under the impact of them. She slowly let go of the Kyoto-beauty and looked after her in pain as she left the apartment and her life.

It was quiet early when Natsuki was woken up by the sound of the birds that where singing their morning songs in the bright sunlight of the early day. The darkness had vanished and so had her tears. Right now, last night felt more like a hollow vision than reality. The only proof was the silently sleeping girl that was still lying in her arms. Natsuki could smell the scent of the pink hair and tried to figure out the flavor. She couldn't find the right words but decided that she liked it. For a few minutes she was listening to steady breathing of the younger girl and found comfort in the oddness of the situation. She traced the forms of the slender body in front of her with her eyes and stopped at every dark bruise that was visible. She was sure that there were a lot more hidden under the fabric but she didn't dare to take a closer look. She tried to free herself without waking her tired guest but as soon as she removed her arms, Nao's breathing changed and Natsuki was met by a cute and sleepy voice.

"You're already awake? How late is it?"

"I don't know. I suppose quite early. You can still sleep a bit longer." The raven-haired girl said reassuringly.

"Yawn... No, I think I am awake too."

"Okay, shall we have some breakfast then?"

"Yes, please. I'm starving."

The two girls seated themselves on the couch. It had become a kind of a ritual in the last days that they would watch TV in the morning while having some toast for breakfast.

_-_'Today will be the last warm and sunny day before a huge area of low pressure arrives on time with the end of the week. All of you who had planned a nice little family adventure on the weekend should reschedule their plans and try to get some of the last sunbeams today. The next week will... _'-_

Both girl's stared annoyed at the weatherman on the TV.

"Nice and we just had planned out our trip." Natsuki huffed, while sipping her coffee.

"It seems that someone still wants to punish me and keep me locked inside this apartment forever."

"Bullshit! Let's do it today!" Natsuki jumped up with a pumped fist.

"Hm?"

"I mean the trip. How are you feeling? Do you feel like having the strength to go outside today?"

"The strength my ass. Of course I do." Nao was eager to accept the challenge.

"Great! It's decided then. I'll make some preparations on my bike first and then buy something for lunch but in the afternoon we are free to go." The older girl smiled.

"So, the great technician is going to work on the motorcycle... then I would have to... Oh yes, I know what the lady has to do: I'll go to refresh myself then." Nao said with a big grin and Natsuki became bright red.

"Oi, someone has to take care of some... things... and since you're still not completely well I am doing my best to..."

Nao suddenly grabbed her wrist and gave her a serious but warm look.

"I know and I am very grateful."

The honest reply let the heat in Natsuki's cheeks erupt even more.

"You don't have to. It was my fault to begin with..." She stuttered, full of guilt.

Silence hung its huge and uncomfortable shadow over them. Luckily, the TV was still switched on and so after a few moments they could go back to a more relaxed state.

-'Ladies and gentlemen, as we start our descent, please make sure your seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright position. Make sure your seat belt is securely fastened and all carry-on luggage is stowed underneath the seat in front of you or in the overhead bins. Please turn off all electronic devices until we are safely parked at the gate. Thank you.'-

_It's already that late. The jet lag will sure be a problem for me the next days. I hopefully will reach Natsuki's apartment before it gets dark. I wonder what she'll think of the whole situation. I can't believe what Sandra did. Maybe I was too hard on her but hurting Natsuki is inacceptable and I will not let anything happen without telling her the truth. She needs to know, even if I make a fool of myself once more. This is the only resolution I can think of right now... Natsuki... How did your life change when I was away? Will you listen to me for once or will I end up lying to you again? Are you thinking of me right now?_

In front of Natsuki's apartment, the girls made ready for the short trip. Nao was standing next to the motorcycle, eying Natsuki suspiciously.

"Alright! Are you ready to ride Duran?" The biker said proudly.

"Duran?"

"Yes! Duran the Second!" Natsuki pointed at her bike.

"Of course, you would name anything after your dog. Stupid me..."

"That's not the answer! I asked if you are READY?" The sound was joyful but also commanding, and so Nao saluted right away.

"Yes, Ma'am!"

"Then let's go!"

"You sure are excited about this, ne?" The younger girl teased.

"I don't know why myself. I just love riding my bike." She wore her biggest smile. Nao had to admit that Natsuki really was a looker, especially in her leather suit.

"You're so easy to please."

"Not that easy... " Natsuki mumbled. Not even sure why she had said this.

"WHAT?" Nao's eyes got wide over the much too naughty answer.

"Hold on tight."

"Ha! You wish!"

Natsuki released the clutch and Nao suddenly had no choice but to hold on to Natsuki. Although, she had promised herself to act a lot cooler, she was not used to the power of the bike's engine and she also had to admit that she was a bit scared of the speed. While having her arms around the older girl's waist she could feel Natsuki's abdominal muscles. _She sure is working out... _Lost in thoughts, Nao start to form little circles with her fingertips.

"Oi, would you stop tickling me? I have to drive somehow..." Natsuki's words were barely audible against the wind. Completely unaware of what she was doing, Nao had no idea what the biker was talking about.

"Huh?"

She slowly started to realize what her hand was doing and became bright red under her helmet. She instantly stopped.

_How embarrassing... How could something like this happen...? I need to get that stuff out of my head. Damn that girl for being so attractive! And here is where the mistake starts... Girl... She IS a girl! I shouldn't think of her body anyway! God, this whole lesbian stuff is so contagious! _

The longer the ride took the farer they got away from the city of Fuuka.

"Oi, Natsuki is it far away?"

"No, not anymore... "

Natsuki could already see the huge bluff. The place she loved and feared the most. This was also the place where she wanted to take Nao before she left without saying goodbye and it felt like a little absolution to her guilty conscience. Outside of Shizuru she had never brought anyone to that special place but for some reason she wanted her mother to meet Nao. This may sound stupid but for Natsuki it was the only place where she felt like her mother was still close.

When they finally reached the top of the huge cliff Natsuki parked the bike in the usual position, while Nao seemed a bit irritated about the place. They both took off their helmets and looked at the sea. The sun was still high but had slowly started her way downwards. The ocean was deep blue but the sunrays turned it into a shiny and glistering piece of art.

"Beautiful." Natsuki hushed the words as if it wasn't meant to be heard by anybody.

"Indeed." Nao could feel the strange atmosphere surrounding the older girl. She didn't know why but she could clearly sense that this was a special place for her. Like a lighting, a sudden thought hit Nao.

"Natsuki..."

"Hm?"

"Could this be... I mean is this the place where you had that accident?"

Natsuki was more than amazed about the empathy of the younger girl.

"How do you know?" Natsuki asked a little flustered.

"I don't know. I had a feeling."

"Your feeling is right."

They both didn't know what to say anymore. They were stunned. Natsuki because Nao was being more considerate than she would have ever thought and Nao because Natsuki would bring her to such an important place.

Meanwhile in front of Natsuki's apartment-complex.

"You're back, Fujino-san?" The voice at the other end of the line said surprised.

"Yes, I am. I haven't told Natsuki though. I couldn't reach her on the phone. I think she might have left it at home." Shizuru was looking at the windows on the third floor.

"Maybe she's at home."

"No, I am in front of her apartment right now. I wanted to surprise her."

"Well, I am sure that'll be a surprise. But I have no idea where she could be."

"Well thank you Mai-san. I think I already know where she is." Shizuru smiled a little to herself.

"Okay, tell her I said hello when you've found her."

"I will. Goodbye."

Shizuru closed her cell and got back into the cab.

"To the cliffs outside of Fuuka, please."

"There are a lot of cliffs outside of Fuuka, young lady." The cab driver remarked.

"Just drive down the main road. I'll lead the way as soon as we're out of the city."

"As you wish."

_Soon the sun will be setting and your bike isn't at home. There are not many places where you could be at a day like this my dear Natsuki... Maybe destiny wants us to meet again at that special place..._

* * *

**A/N:** Alright, I updated it as soon as I finished writing. So I didn't have a second reading or something. So please bare with all the possible mistakes. I'm right now writing the final chapter.


	23. Destiny

_**"Destiny decides who you meet in your life but it's your heart that decides who gets to stay in your life."**_

**A/N:** Last Chapter. I would like to say thank you to all my readers and reviewers. Without you this story would never have been completed. I'm very grateful for the constructive criticism and all the praising. I am sad and happy at the same time. At least I did something where I can honestly say that I am proud of. Of course I am not fully satisfied because I have a sick obsession with perfection but I am content how everything turned out.

**Beta: Akira Sasaki**

**Disclaimer: Sunrise owns Mai HiME.**

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**Chapter 22 - Destiny  
**

"Are you hungry?" The raven-haired girl asked after a while of sitting in peaceful silence.

"Yes."

"Good, because I brought something to eat."

Natsuki gave Nao a bento-box that looked much too neatly for being prepared by someone clumsy as Natsuki.

"Did you make this?" The younger one asked nonetheless.

"Of course not, silly. I can't cook. I didn't want to poison you so soon after you dropped your pills. Who knows what might happen?"

"True. I might probably turn into a monster and eat you." Both had to laugh about this strange imagination. Natsuki was the first one whose face became serious again. They sat down at the edge and watched how the sun slowly began to set.

"That is the place I wanted to show you before I left. I'm sorry."

"Well, you're showing it to me right now. That's fine too." Both knew clearly that the 'sorry' was meant in another way but it was more comfortable this way. Natsuki relaxed a bit and leaned back on her elbows while closing her eyes.

"I love the sunsets here." She said in a dreamy voice.

"I don't think I've ever seen something that beautiful." What Natsuki didn't see was that Nao was not looking at the sun but at her when she said these words. The sight those both girls were able to regard at this moment looked like a painting from ancient times and their forms fitted in so perfectly.

"I bet you have seen a lot of those blazing sunsets here." Nao stated after a while.

"Yes. But every time it's different. Always beautiful but never the same."

"And this time it's even more special because you share it with me."

"Is that so?" Natsuki opened her eyes and grinned at Nao.

"Absolutely. Sharing such things make them twice as much special."

"I know." The older girl's face became serious again and Nao instantly knew what that meant.

_Of course she had been here with Fujino... _

"Fujino. I see. This place must be even more painful for you now."

"It was always painful, but I also find solace here. You're right though. I brought Shizuru here before." Natsuki eyes became distant.

"I thought so..." There was a short pause before Nao started to speak again. "How are you feeling right now?"

Natsuki stood up and walked a few steps away as if she had to think hard before she started to form an answer. Meanwhile a slender figure was approaching the cliff. Shizuru was still too far away to see anyone but she could already see a parked bike. When she reached the top of the cliff she could see Natsuki standing in front of a beautiful sunset. But to her surprise she was not alone. There was another figure standing a few inches away from her. And as her eyes got used to the blending light of the setting sun she saw the reason, why Natsuki had to leave her so suddenly, right in front of her eyes. _Yuuki Nao... here... _Shizuru stopped dead in her tracks. She was not close enough to understand a word, but she could clearly see that they had some kind of argument.

Natsuki finally began to form an answer to Nao's question. "I cannot stop thinking about what you said. I mean what if Sandra had lied? Shizuru and I have so many memories. Even here at such a private place I can feel her presence." While Natsuki was speaking her voice became angry and shaky at the same time. Nao was a bit irritated about the sudden burst of emotion. "When I look back now at these long gone times, it won't stop hurting because what we had was so incredibly beautiful and we both just threw it away. I threw it away and I am alone. You understand? I am alone!"

Now Nao was the one to get on her feet.

"Because you chose to!" The younger girl said a little aggravated.

"I fucking know that and I hate myself for it but what can I possibly do now?" The desperation in Natsuki's voice was pitiful, but Nao somehow could understand.

"It's never too late you know..." The younger girl said, whilst shielding her eyes from the last sunrays.

"Something like this from your mouth."

"I know it sounds sappy, but I guess it's true. If you love her and if you want her then you should never stop trying." Nao paused for a second, berating herself for being so stupid to show Natsuki the option of fighting for Shizuru. "But you should also know that there could be another way..." She added, trying to turn the tide at least a little.

"Hmm?" Natsuki turned around to face the other girl that seemed so out of character.

"I think I've fallen for you." Nao abruptly closed the distance between them and kissed Natsuki without giving the movement a second thought. And before Natsuki could even consider kissing her back she was taken aback by a very familiar voice.

"No!" Shizuru didn't even notice that she had almost screamed the word out loud. The black-haired girl felt like she was trapped in a bad dream.

"Shizu... ru..." Natsuki turned her head, looking straight into the crimson-eyes of the Kyoto-beauty. Those eyes she had seen in pain many times before. But looking at them now was like she could hear the slow cracking of her heart. Time seemed to have frozen. Only the setting sun disturbed the still life as dawn slowly forced back the light of day. The sky seemed to mirror the emotions of those three girls. Natsuki and Shizuru where still looking at each other. The latter couldn't hold back her tears any longer. She wasn't really crying. It was more like her tears were forcing their way outside. When Natsuki saw the destroyed picture of the usual perfect girl she wasn't able to control her emotions anymore.

"Shizuru... what are you doing here? I mean how?"

The Kyoto-girl didn't even consider answering this question and Natsuki already knew that this was absolutely unimportant right now. She made a step towards Shizuru who was about to turn around to flee the scene, when she realized that she was still standing next to Nao, who hadn't said anything and was staring at the ground instead. She now looked at the younger girl, who wasn't facing her but attempted to say something.

"You better go Kuga... This might be your last chance." The younger girl said, trying to sound nonchalant.

"Nao, I..."

"Don't" Nao cut her off. "Please don't say anything. Just go."

Shizuru was already leaving and Natsuki felt horrible about leaving Nao once again. But she had to go. Her heart was telling her that she has to be at Shizuru's side right now. And so Natsuki turned her back on Nao and started running after Shizuru.

"Wait! SHIZURU! Please!" She screamed. The girl stopped but didn't turn around. She tried to sound composed but she obviously wasn't.

"I didn't mean to interrupt something. I'm sorry for intruding."

"Stop it! Stop the fake voice and look at me!"

Shizuru wasn't responding. She was just staying there saying nothing.

"Please... I wanna see your face. Your eyes. Or I'll never believe that this is true." Natsuki whimpered.

"Do you want it to be truth? You should think about that first. If I turn around this might become true but if I don't, you still have a chance of pretending this never happened."

Natsuki was slowly closing the distance between them and with every step Shizuru's heart began to beat faster.

"I think I pretended for too long. I'm done with it." _Okay Natsuki, just for once do what's right and tell her your feelings._

"Look, I don't know if it's true that you're with Sandra or not or if your feelings for me have vanished. I just need to say this to your face. So, would you please turn around for me that I can properly talk to you?"

Shizuru slowly turned around. She was afraid to look into the eyes of the younger girl. The emerald eyes which she had missed so much. She was afraid that only the sight of them could melt her heart. The tears were still streaming down Shizuru's face and Natsuki finally realized that the older girl had missed her just as much. A flame of hope was set ablaze, bursting out into a huge fire the next second. Natsuki now took all her courage and slowly closed her eyes and distance between them. They were so close that she could feel Shizuru's breath on her lips and she faltered for a moment. This moment right before their lips met seemed to be the perfect moment. And just a second before she closed the final gap she breathed:

"Shizuru, I love you."

The crimson-eyed girl didn't even think for a second. That was what she had always dreamt of. She didn't hesitate to return Natsuki's kiss. She had always thought that a kiss with Natsuki would be something very vague and innocent. But this kiss was so full of emotion and passion that her knees became week. Natsuki seemed to enjoy the kiss just as much and it seemed to last forever. Even their tears had dried. When they finally broke the kiss, Shizuru formed the words on her lips without saying them out loud. But Natsuki had heard them anyway. After opening their eyes again the darkness had taken possession of all of their surroundings. Only their eyes were still clear and bright.

Emerald met Crimson and there was nothing else to say.

**The End.**

* * *

**A/N:** Okay. This is where it ends. I told you guys I thought of a solution and I am a die-hard Shiznat fan. I've always been. BUT during this story I came to love Nao and instead of making two different endings I decided to do a sequel. There is a lot of unfinished business but I wanted for all the Nao haters and Shiznat lovers this story to have a Shiznat ending. So for those who are interested how things could turn out in the future I would be happy to have you guys read the sequel and those who are satisfied better don't read the sequel. I haven't written anything for the sequel now. But I have a lot of ideas. Because the mix of Shizuru, Natsuki and Nao is so explosive that I just have to make sequel. So the ones who are going to read the sequel will have to face a lot more drama, suffering, pain, tears, hurt, decisions and of course love. What happens to Nao after the sudden appearance of Shizuru? Will she fight? How will she cope with the next big downfall? Does Natsuki really have no feelings for Nao at all? How will she react when she hears about Shizuru's relationship with Sandra? Is Sandra really forever gone? Will this Author's Note ever come to an end? Well guys, as you can see I don't like letting go. But I have to. I hope you enjoyed reading and that you will enjoy the sequel and to those who are die-hard ShizNat Fans and therefore are not going to read the sequel: I am also writing another story from time to time. If I ever finish the first chapter I'll upload it. Maybe you'll like this one. It's hopefully a pure Shiznat one. Although I now really like the idea of spicing them up^^

Alright, I take a bow. Thank you for your support. It was a pleasure writing for you guys.


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